Getting your partner on board with relationship improvement.

Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hello and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire Podcast. I am your host, Amanda Testa. I am a sex, love and relationship coach, and in this podcast, my guests and I talk sex, love, and relationships and everything that lights you up from the inside out. Welcome, hello and welcome to the podcast. Today I want to talk about something that comes up a lot, and this is when you want to make changes, but your partner does not or you want to do work in your relationship and your partner does not. And so I want to address this in two ways because number one, I'm going to share some tips around why even doing the work on your own is so important as well as how you can talk with your partner about this and why it's important to you. And so often I have seen that when one person in a relationship makes changes in themselves, there is a ripple effect that happens.
(00:59):
And this happens for a few reasons, but number one is oftentimes we have our own stories. We have our own issues, we have our own, our own life, our own inner child, our own family of origin, all the things that could be affecting how we show up in our relationship, how we treat ourselves, how we love ourselves. And this definitely can happen with clients, or excuse me, with your partner as well. So with clients who are interested in the work and their partner doesn't come along, then I work with women so much in this area because things change. Things change when you change. And again, one of the reasons why is that when we work on our own body, our own being, then we develop a different coherence within ourselves. And when I'm talking about coherence, I'm meaning everything is moving in the same direction.
(01:48):
So for example, when you say you want to have a better sex life and there's parts of you that might be still afraid or have shame or maybe have some work to do in that area, still those are going to show up in your partnership. And so when you can work on those things on your own, you come to the partnership in a different way and you can communicate basically the same thing on all levels when you have that coherence within you. So there's not mixed messages coming out of your mouth to your partner because our bodies are very wise and our partners relate to our body, our nervous systems relate to our partner's nervous system. And so when we are continually triggering one another or are getting an arguments or having these stress cycles activated, then your nervous system and your partner's nervous system aren't going to feel comfortable coming together.
(02:38):
There's a shutdown, there's a fear. There's something there that doesn't enable the two of you to merge in a way that feels good. And so when you are able to even work on your own and get things into coherence, really strengthening the blueprint of health at the core of who you are, which we all have, we all have our blueprints of health, and the blueprint is how we are born, how can thrive and over life things happen. They can leave imprints on our blueprint to cause us to behave in ways that maybe aren't in alignment with our true selves or what we really want. And we're human. So we all have these things. It's nothing that's just who we are as humans. We're animals when it comes down to it. And we've just never been really taught how to work with one another on that level.
(03:21):
So yes, you can talk and communication is such a big thing, but it's also teaching your body to feel comfortable and safe in the presence of your partner and vice versa. And so when you work on your own self, you start to develop a higher level of trust within yourself. You develop better boundaries, you develop a strong sense of what you want, what you desire and what you don't. You learn how your body likes to be treated not only on a sexual level, but just in general, how you like to be treated, how you love your own self, how you thrive on your own, how you treat yourself with kindness and nourish yourself. And when you do that and your partner picks up on that, they are more likely to do that same thing in their own bodies. And you don't always, always have to do the work together.
(04:08):
So much can be done by just doing the work on one person. There is a ripple effect that happens. And then when you have this higher level of coherence within yourself, this higher level of trustworthiness within yourself, this higher level of blueprint that is online, then it requires things to shift around you. This ripple effect happens. And so I see this all the time, so just knowing like, oh, my partner won't do this, that's okay, because oftentimes they come along for the ride. And if they don't, then six months, nine months down the line you can reevaluate. But nine times out of 10, there is a shift that happens when you change. The other thing is being able to just talk about doing coaching or work together in general can be extremely triggering, right? Because so often in our culture we aren't taught to do that.
(04:54):
We think that if you get help, that means something's wrong with you or you're broken or your relationship is doomed, all those things we never are taught like, oh, this is just a healthy thing you do. Man, I so wish that there was a business, like a wedding bootcamp class. I could teach people just to, here's how you can actually have great sex and here's actually how you can communicate and learn that stuff from the beginning versus being down the line and realizing things are in a rut or you're bored or you're not having desire or all the things that happen resentment, all the things that show up in your bodies and in your relationships. And I know that when you bring this kind of topic can be challenging, even just talking about it can feel difficult and it's natural to feel nervous or afraid when bringing up the conversation.
(05:41):
And for any type of conversation, I really think what's so important is to make sure that you find a good time to do it. Don't just blurt it out of the blue. You need to find a time that you're both willing and available to have a conversation. And we've all had those moments where you are maybe not in the right time or environment and you decide to bring up something at exactly the wrong time. Having it turn into a big argument. I laugh because my husband and I used to always do this, and we would be going out to dinner and of course there would be something that I would be pissed about and I would have to turn into this big argument in the car before we go into the restaurant and then the first half of the day we're sitting there pissed and fuming at one another.
(06:17):
Can any of you relate to an experience like that, right? It's hard and it can be challenging to have a conversation without it turning into an argument. So how do you avoid this? So I'm going to share just some communication tips to start, and there's five steps that I really think can improve the communication. And the number one I just mentioned is making sure you have the time and the space for the conversation. So making sure that you're not running out the door. Your partner's not in the middle of a zoom call or about to jump into a meeting in two minutes in the middle of something else. You really want to make a time where you can both be present and available. So maybe it's even like, Hey, I would love to chat with you about something. Do you have time now? Or would you rather do it this afternoon?
(06:54):
Right? And just making a time to do it. And once you are in a place where you're both available, then you really want to be able to listen to one another and without interruption, without starting another conversation, those can be very challenging things. I know myself interrupting is something I'm always working on. So that is a real growth edge that I always am leaning into because the thing that happens with interrupting or starting another conversation is it breaches trust actually. And it takes practice because it's easy to get triggered by something your partner may say. So just take a deep breath when that happens and focus back in on one another and listen, just really listen to what they are saying. And you want to start the conversation with something positive, sharing something really genuine that you appreciate about your partner or that you really love.
(07:37):
So for example, it may be they are great at helping out with the kids in the morning, really share how you appreciate that so much. Or maybe they always take out the trash every night and you're like, oh, I'm so glad. I really hate opening the gate to the dumpster, and thank you for doing that, whatever it is, and making sure it's genuine. Because if it's not genuine, then the conversation probably won't go as well because they'll know that you're not being honest. So really tuning in even if it feels hard, finding something deeply honest and genuine that you love and appreciate to share and start there. Maybe even it's just taking a minute to look at each other and just take a breath and realize, I really appreciate you and that you are in this together with me. Thank you. Right? Then the third thing is you want to clearly state what you need and the why behind it.
(08:17):
So if you're looking for more ways to improve your relationship or maybe you want more physical touch or maybe you want to, I think the key is stating why it's important to you. So even do some soul searching, some journaling before you have the conversation. Why is this important to you? Maybe you're looking for more physical touch is the example I was saying. So you could share why this is important to you. So I would really love if you could give me a hug and a kiss before you get out of bed in the morning. It makes me feel so appreciated. I love feeling your warm body next to me. It makes me feel loved and I really feel seen by you in that moment. And then when you explain the why, your partner can understand what you're looking for and perhaps they can even come up with some other ideas of what they can do to meet that need.
(08:57):
The why is really, really important. And then number four, give clear and concrete action steps. So if you share crystal clear action steps of what they can do to help you, even if it seems super obvious, this is so important. So for example, in the morning when you get up, could you please roll over and give me a hug or a kiss before you get out of bed really specific When you come home from work, could you please get up and give me a kiss and a hug when I walk in the door? Again, sharing why when you are able to just connect with me right when you come in, I feel so happy to see you. It makes me feel so loved and it makes me excited to want to spend time with you later. So when I'm washing the dishes, could you come and give me a little squeeze?
(09:34):
It makes me feel so appreciated when you do that. I don't always love washing dishes and just feeling your support as I do a task I don't like makes me realize that we're all in this together. We are a family. We all do our household contributions, and that feels really good. So giving really specific concrete things that can do, even if it seems super obvious, right? Because we're not mind readers. None of us know what the other person is thinking. We can't read each other's minds. So that is such an important thing. And then number five, be really open to what your partner has to say into return, right? So this is a conversation. It's not a list of demands. So maybe if you're asking a question around wanting to do some exploration around making your sex life better and why it's important to you, I really miss those deep connections that we've had.
(10:15):
And I know life has been crazy. Hello. It's been stressful. There was covid. We have kids business and life can be so stressful and it's easy to get wrapped up in the hamster wheel, and I really miss our deep connection. It's so important to me to have that with you. And I know it seems like just kind of the norm out there for a couples just to kind of start falling into these routines and ruts, but I don't want that. For us. I know what we have is really special, and I know that when we make time for one another, we just are so much happier. Our family just is so much happier. The kids are happier. There's just such a ripple effect, right? Sharing the why is so key. So going back to being open to what your partner has to say in return, it is a conversation.
(10:58):
So be open to what they can and are willing to do to support you and just take turns going back and forth. Allow that conversation to happen. Let them respond to you and to be open to what they say, right? Because the more you do this, the more trust you're going to build with one another, and you know that you can talk about what you need without being attacked and without starting an argument, the more you're going to build trust and intimacy and honesty with each other. So those are just some good starting points that I wanted to touch on because when you bring up these deeper conversations, it can feel scary. And so I also am going to walk you through just some journaling prompts for you to think about as you consider making things better in your relationship or making your sex life better, or possibly working with a coach because, so these, you are able to have the conversations in a way that you're really connected to why it's important to you.
(11:44):
Again, as I mentioned earlier, it's really important you want to create this relationship that's going to flourish for years to come. So whether this is just a relationship with yourself, which is so important because what you bring into your own relationship with yourself, you're going to bring into any relationships in the future, whether you're currently in one or whether you will be, is an investment in your future creating that reality. You want to live one that lights you up, that is full of connection and intimacy and deep love. As humans, we have such that need for belonging and safety and deep love. And when your partner can understand this, they're much more likely to come on board. The other thing is, like I was saying earlier, our culture is so conditioned that you don't get help unless something's wrong. And a lot of times not always, and I don't want to generalize because I know this can kind of sound very generic, and I don't mean it to, but I just see a lot of times in the couples that I work with, if there's a heterosexual relationship and the male partner is not as excited to come on board, it's because they are taught that that means something's wrong with, they have a lot of hesitation because it brings up a lot of fear.
(12:42):
A lot of men aren't taught to express their emotions, the only acceptable emotion they can have as anger. If you've never seen the documentary, the Mask You Live in, I highly recommend watching it with your partner or if you have sons, or if you have male identified people in your life, because it does really show that's such a common thing that they are really ashamed in a lot of ways if they ever have an emotion. So what comes naturally, what comes easy is anger. And being able to open vulnerably is a very challenging thing oftentimes. So knowing that there's fear behind it, a lot of times if someone's not interested or if they immediately say no, or I'd never do that, or that's dumb, or we don't need that, just know that that's so common and normal, so challenging for everyone to open up and be vulnerable.
(13:24):
So again, you want to just make that, bring all this to your mind's eye before you have a conversation, really trying to understand their point of view as well, and ask questions to get a clear picture of their perspective. Really be curious. I think being curious, seeking to understand is such an important tool in life while staying connected to your intention and why this is important for you, your relationship, your family, and as you have these conversations again and again, I just want to remind you to breathe. If you feel reactive, breathe, it may be taking some time even before you go into a conversation, taking care of yourself, drink a glass of water, take a little walk, take some breaths, do something to feel good and grounded and connected to yourself, to your why. And if things get too tense or if you feel like you're about to get into an argument, you can always say, you know what?
(14:08):
Let's revisit this after we've had a chance to calm down and let's take some time to really think about our thoughts on this, right? And we'll come back together and we can talk about it in a few days. And honestly, I, I'll be truthfully honest with you, most of the time our partners want to support us, especially when they can understand the benefit. So being curious, being creative, and learning how you can find a solution around it is huge. So I'm going to share some journaling questions with you. So you can just play with this. If this is something that you're interested in for yourself or with your relationship, why? What are the results you're looking to achieve? What do you think would change in your life, in your relationship, in your sex life? What would you love to see? What would you love to see different?
(14:48):
If you could paint a picture of a magical, I love that magical wand thing, you just cast this vision of what you love your life to look like, your relationship to look like. What would that be? Maybe how you would interact with one another. Maybe there's more kindness and care in your interactions. Maybe there's more playful flirting. Maybe there's more toe curling orgasms. Maybe there's more laughter. Maybe there's more of a even distribution of the household contributions. What are the results that would feel so good? And why are they important to you? Why are they important? How may your life transform? How could the relationship be affected? If you have a family, how might that look? As the ripple goes outward, maybe your kids don't see you fighting in the morning anymore, and so they have less stress as they go into their day, whatever it might be.
(15:38):
And just taking some time to journal these. I'll also put a PDF in with the show notes for this episode. So you can grab this PDF with these questions, and you can find that at amandatesta.com/talkingtoyourpartner, amandatesta.com/talkingtoyourpartner. So again, why are these important to you? How will your life transform? How will this affect your relationship, your family? Again, staying connected to why is now the right time for this? Why is right now the right time for this? Sometimes it feels like there's never a right time, but if things continue as they are, how might things look in six months, three years, right? Five years down the line, if you don't do anything to change these patterns, how might that affect your relationship, your own self-worth? How might that affect how you feel every day? How might that affect your family, your kids, your family members?
(16:29):
Sometimes that's a painful thing to think about. So I'll just invite you to take a breath if that feels hard and just know it's okay. There's always an opportunity to change if you so desire. But also sometimes it takes digging in to what might things happens if nothing changes, that can bring up some more deeper whys behind why it's important to you. And then also thinking, how might your partner feel if you did work without them? Maybe that's the step that feels right. Maybe you do it and I'll see how it goes for you, and that's okay too. Why would they want you to do it? And how important do you think your happiness is to your partner and to your family? And I think it's also really important to think about your fears or maybe even what your potential partner's fears are, right? So often there's a fear around, well, this means we're going to break up, or this means we're going to have to be humiliated in front of another party.
(17:19):
This means someone's going to have to hear all our deepest, darkest secrets. And first of all, everything that happens in a container of coaching is totally confidential. But also the key is that you realize that that's not the intention for the work. It's for deepening your own connection and strengthening your relationship, not pointing out flaws or focusing on what didn't work or hashing out old arguments. That's not what this is about. But knowing that's what people think, right? So often people will think, well, then we're just going to get scrutinized, and then I'm going to be ganged up upon, or I'm going to feel like I'm wrong or bad. These are all realistic, adequate fears. And when it comes to doing work on yourself, on your sexuality, on your relationship, fears come up. I mean, it's bound to happen. We are so conditioned that this is a taboo subject and things we should just be born knowing what to do.
(18:06):
And porn teaches us such bullshit about what sex is actually like. So we've never learned, it's not our faults. I just always say this and the beautiful thing, it's learned skills. These are learned skills. Anybody can learn these skills, and it's possible for anyone if you have the desire. It is possible, and I see it all the time. I love how one of my couples that I recently worked with, I love how so often this was a couple where the partner was very reluctant to come along, but they did. And they're like, I don't consider myself a very woo type of person. And to me, he was thinking, coaching felt very woo. I don't necessarily agree, but yes, I totally validate that thought. You don't always know What are you getting into? And so he was like, what I loved is the fact that how everything was so approachable and just all the information education I received, my mind was blown.
(18:57):
And now that brings so much confidence into the bedroom. When you have confidence about what you're doing and you've learned something new, it helps to be more spontaneous and to have more trust about how things are going to unfold. Also, understanding that things can not always look like they do on tv, and they're not meant to. That's fake. And it's okay if things come up during sex because it is an opportunity for your body to release and to experience higher states of arousal. And part of learning how to have great connection is letting your nervous system, teaching your nervous system how to handle that kind of thing, because that's sometimes part of the work. But again, it's all a journey and it's all about being curious. So the other thing is you can just tune into how would you feel if your partner's just like no.
(19:45):
And what are you willing to do if they say no? Right? What are the things you're willing to do and what are you not willing to give up, right? Because I think that's an important thing. So if they do say no, that's okay, because you know what? You can still do the work on your own. You can still, like I said at the beginning of this call or the podcast, there's so much that can happen when you change your own body and being, I mean, it's miraculous to me how that works. I've seen it in my own life and so many clients. It just blows my mind thinking that what are some of the objections that you foresee and how might you address them? If your partner's like, well, I'm just worried that you're going to turn into this crazy sex fe and then I'm not going to be able to satisfy you.
(20:24):
And then you're going to want to have an affair and read all the things that people think. Try to feel into what are the objections you think may come up and how you might answer those questions. Well, some of the answers you could say even to those, right? There are, you are what I want. You are what's important to me. I want us to have this together. It's not like I'm going to go look it for someone else. I want that for us. And I think just really tuning in what are that might come up and how to address this, right? So again, just to kind of recap, spending time looking at these questions, feeling into why, how you want to feel. What can you do to honor yourself? And before you go into the discussion, have that deep connection to your intention. How do you want to feel when you have this conversation?
(21:06):
How can you honor yourself and why it's important to you and your relationship and everything else that comes from that? Because communication is such a challenging and amazing opportunity to deepen your intimacy. It's part of all part. It all comes together. And I just wanted to bring this podcast today because I just have people always asking me about this. And so I just wanted to address some of the things that I see a lot and some of the concerns. And so hopefully, if nothing else, this episode will have given you just some tips on having better communication in general with your partner or anyone. Because again, these five techniques I mentioned earlier are simple. If you can remember them. And it's partly practicing and practicing and practicing, staying calm and practicing breathing so that you can remain grounded and always knowing you can take a break, you can come back.
(21:57):
We're humans. It's okay. Whatever happens, it's okay. And I think that wanting to better your sex life is so fun, even if it's just for you. Because we have such capacity for pleasure in our systems. Every cell in our body is wired for pleasure, wired for connection. That's who we are as humans, and it's our birthright to experience that and to enjoy it in a way that feels right and doable for you. And that looks different for every single person on the planet. So it'll be comparing yourself to others and know that, yeah, if you are curious and want things to be different, they can be. Even if it's just as little as you deciding that every day, you are going to tap into what feels good for you, even if it's that little thing. Like today, I'm going to just do what feels good to myself, to my body, and nourish myself throughout the day as best I can.
(22:41):
And notice how that shifts things around you. That little step right there can be a huge one. So thank you so much for being here, for tuning in. I so appreciate each and every one of you. I truly, truly do from the bottom of my heart, because this podcast would not be possible without your support. And I just want to send you much love wishing you a beautiful day, and thank you. We will see you next week. Thank you so much for listening to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. This is your host, Amanda Testa. And if you have felt a calling while listening to this podcast to take this work to a deeper level, this is your golden invitation. I invite you to reach out. You can contact me@amandatestthe.com slash activate, and we can have a heart to heart to discuss more about how this work can transform your life. You can also join us on Facebook and the group Find Your Feminine Fire Group. And if you've enjoyed this podcast, please share with your friends. Go to iTunes and give me a five star rating and a raving review so I can connect with other amazing listeners like yourself. Thank you so much for being a part of the community.