JOIN IN THE DISCUSSION ON THIS EPISODE AND MORE IN MY FREE FACEBOOK GROUP, FIND YOUR FEMININE FIRE HERE.

Allison Jayne Ewing, is a psychotherapist and, EFT practitioner.  Surprised to find herself divorced at midlife, Allison realized none of the fairytales she read growing up said what happened when you did NOT live happily ever after.

Dazed and confused by her sudden single status, she embarked on the dreaded task of having to date again.
Allison noticed she wasn't alone. Many of her single friends were struggling with dating, and meeting shitty guys while desperately searching for ‘the one’.

The turning point was when she found the secret to turning on her feminine energy and attracting adoring men.

As a psychotherapist and an EFT practitioner for 25 years, Allison decided to focus on helping other midlife women find healthy available single men who will love and adore them. She has worked with hundreds of women to clear their unconscious blocks and manifest the life of their dreams.

Find her book, Learn To Date Like A Goddess, Find Love Again here!

Want more support from Amanda? Schedule a confidential 1-1 call with Amanda⁠ here.

In this 45 min call, we’re going to identify your #1 block to pleasure, why it’s showing up in the way it is, and what to do to turn it around. ⁠
⁠
After doing this work for almost a decade, I can quickly identify the patterns holding you back, and show you the steps to change it. ⁠
⁠
Permission to reach out even if it feels scary. Permission to reach out even if you aren’t even sure you want to do this work. Permission to reach out to explore if this is right for you, no strings or pushy sales tactics here.⁠

If you liked this episode, please consider giving me a 5 Star Review on Apple Podcasts! It truly does help the podcast grow. 

Have a topic or question you'd like Amanda to address on a future episode? Submit it on this anonymous form.

Amanda Testa [00:00:04]:

Welcome everyone to the podcast. It's your host, Amanda Testa. So what happens when happily ever after does not happen for you? So maybe you're finding yourself in the dating pool again in midlife and you're like, what? but you're in luck. because today, if you're looking to date like a goddess, or if you're already in a relationship and you're really wanting to learn some powerful tips to magnetize your partner, and feel more confident in the bedroom, you're in for a treat today. Today, I am going to be talking with Alison J. Ewing. She's a licensed clinical social worker and a certified EFT practitioner who's also a divorce and dating woman. She has just re recently written an amazing new book called Learn To Date Like a Goddess Find Love again. And so we are gonna be diving into all kinds of goodness today around really how we can use tapping among other things to, you know, kind of clear the things that are in the way of creating the relationship that we want, finding your empowerment around dating and feeling good in the process and all kinds of ways to have fun in the process. So welcome so much, Allison. So happy to have you here. Thanks. I'm really happy to be here. Yeah. And I'm curious if you would just kind of share a little bit more about you and what, you know, led you to be so passionate to write the book.

Allison Jayne [00:01:19]:

Sure, I am happy to. I was a psychotherapist, classically trained for a really long time in my career, and as time went on, I began realizing that my clients through regular sort of more traditional talk therapy would have these great insights- but weren't able to apply them. And so I dealt into more mind body techniques to see if I could try to break some of those barriers down for people, and I came across EFT tapping, which I find to be a complete game changer. So I switched my whole practice to working with clients exclusively with EFT tapping, and then, I got divorced. And when I went through that experience, it certainly changes a person. Right? My whole identity had to shift, and I had to really figure out who I was, who this new version of me was going to be because certainly it's not what anyone expects, I don't believe to to be single again. And for me, it was in my early forties. And then I slowly gathered a group of women around me who were also divorced. They sort of jokingly called me the divorce whisperer in my town, and I and I made some really amazing wonderful friendships out of this as we, as single women, kinda bonded together through not just our experience of of gone through having gone through a divorce, but also this entering the world of dating.

Amanda Testa [00:02:53]:

Yeah. And

Allison Jayne [00:02:54]:

I think one of the most pivotal experiences I had was I had a a friend, well, she's a good friend now and a colleague now because she does date coaching as well, who was going through her divorce, and I did not know her so well at that point. And I said to her, hey. Listen. I'm sure you're not maybe ready right now, but when you're ready to date, like, call me. Let's get a drink. I'll help you. I'm super excited for you. It's gonna be fun. I'll help you set up a profile, anything you wanna pick my brain about. I'm here for you. And later she told me something that really kind of caught me off guard at the time, which was, she said you were the only cheerleader in my life at that time about dating. Literally, everyone else in her world had kind of come to her with these, like, UGGG you have to date again. That's gonna be so awful. I'm so sorry. You must be dreading that and things like that. So her friends and family were really negative about it, and she actually was excited. You know, she was nervous and all the things we all feel, but she was kind of excited. There's something to having another shot at love that can be very exciting once you've worked through some of the the pain and the, you know, negativity of of your last relationship ending. And So it just highlighted for me that I have something to offer people, and it eventually led me to gatherings stories of my clients and my friends and my own experiences and pulling them together in this book that I wrote last summer.

Amanda Testa [00:04:26]:

Beautiful. I love it. And I think you're you know, it's it's true. You know, people have such a varied view on dating and what that entails and all of it, and especially when you're in a different phase in life and all of those things. So I'm wondering too, you know, I think a lot of times, even when whether you're in a relationship and you want to feel more like just have fun again and feel like that because I think that's one of the things I personally that you should always date even if you're in a long term relationship. Like, keep it fun and keep the, you know I'm curious, you know, when it comes to kind of working through people's blocks around that. What do you find, like, is number the one of the number one things that are holding people back from putting themselves out there in that way or, like, opening up? to to more.

Allison Jayne [00:05:12]:

Yeah. So what was very interesting to me is when the book came out, I had a lot of my married friends read it out of support. And I thought, oh, that's so nice of them, but they're not gonna get anything out of this book. And boy was I surprised with the feedback that I got. where they said, oh my gosh. This was so eye opening to me. And the one chapter in particular that a lot of people who were already in relationships gave me some feedback on is also a little bit of a controversial chapter in a way and I wanna be very careful how I talk about it because I really believe that the secret to a very successful heterosexual relationship is for the woman to be in her feminine energy as much of the time as possible. And then allowing the man to be in his masculine energy space. And listen, I'm a die hard feminist. I was a women's studies minor in college. And when I first started hearing about this concept of masculine/ feminine energy, I was a little turned off by it. So I'm guessing maybe even of your listeners might be right now. And I I was very skeptical. And as I started doing more research on it and delving in and figuring out what exactly is this that people are talking about out there, I realized how powerful this skill actually is if you really can get it get it right and understand it. So feminine energy is all about flow. It's about receptivity it is sort of for yogis out there, the yin to the yang. And so yin is very quiet. It's very gentle, it's relaxed. And masculine energy, the sort of yang energy, is the go go go produce, create, build. It's that always sort of in action mode, whereas the feminine energy is more in receptive mode. And here's the thing, in our modern day society, the masculine energy is certainly the most rewarded. I mean, we all know that. Right? We have to go go go career wise and and just in terms of maybe parenting or lifeing. Right? Like, life requires a lot of masculine energy, a lot of doing kind of energy, and it's it's definitely valued more as well as rewarded better. And so I think what has happened over time is women have gotten so focused on being in their masculine energy to be able to get all the things done that they need to get done on every day, that they then continue to stay in that masculine energy in their intimate relationship, and that is where it really doesn't serve us. If women can start to sort of lean in more to their feminine energy space in their intimate in their most intimate, their romantic relationship, they can kind of give up the reins, lean back energetically speaking, and allow their man to be in his masculine and his doing energy and allow him to do for her, to do for you. So what happens though is when I bring that up, a lot of women immediately gets scared and have a big reaction to that and feel things like, well, if I do that, he's not gonna step up, or he's you know, nothing's gonna happen there. But on the converse, what I've heard from a lot of men is I feel like she doesn't need me at all, and they feel sort of sort of pushed out when you're in when you're incorporating all the masculine energy in the relationship, they just don't really have space to step up and and be the hero, frankly, that they wanna be. And some people challenge me on this number, but I say about 90% of men are good men that want to do that. They want to be the hero for their woman in some way, shape, or form, and every man's a little different in how they show up in that way. If you are with a man that isn't interested in that, I say get rid of him because there's better ones out there. And I really do think that most of the time when men start to isolate in a relationship, you know, think about the guys who go golfing all day and then stay at the bar for hours after and don't come home or the guys who just veg out on the couch and watch TV and don't really try to interact I would say that's a situation where you wanna try to practice getting out of your masculine energy, leaning into your feminine energy more and seeing if he's then able to start showing up and being more present with you because he's suddenly feeling needed. So how does this look? It's it looks like asking him to do things for you. And when he does, literally saying, Thank you so much. You're my hero. It it's not trying to control how he does it either. It's hey. I need some help with this and such. Can you do that? You know? And then not telling him exactly how to do it, just letting him do it. and then kind of reinforcing the parts that you liked about whatever it is he does. But I think that as women were so used to being in control all the time, we're gonna tell them to grocery shop, and then we're gonna tell them exactly how to do it, exactly what I also go and exactly what to get, and we're not gonna leave any space rather than I super appreciate that you shopped, and I loved that you got a, b, and c. And then just kinda let that go and receive the guesture, And then maybe at a future time, you could have a conversation about something more specific that you needed him to do that wasn't done. But in the moment, you just wanna receive his masculine doing for you, and it's really kind of a win win when you can do it because You are less frazzled. You are more relaxed when you're in your feminine energy, and he gets to be the the man, the guy that he has always wanted to be for you.

Amanda Testa [00:11:36]:

I do I mean, I do feel like that oftentimes your partner wants to please you. Right? And I think when it comes to, like, the energetics, there's so many things around that, but it's just like there's a polarity no matter your you know, no matter what your gender identification is, no matter where you stand. because there's lots of nonbinary, and I wanna honor that too. Like, People might not always resonate with these terms, but I think what is true is, like and you can kind of flow in between them sometimes too. I think it's it's important to just being to notice. Right? Like, whether you wanna call it masculine, feminine, or right brain, left brainer, Yin and Yang, or, like, the lunar energy and the solar energy, they have similar properties. And you can tell in a relationship who like, a stronger in one area than the other. And it's so true, like, in our society, it is so built on, you know, like achieving and doing and, like, extracting all that you can for yourself. And I also see too a lot of times is that we don't relax and let go to have someone else support and that's such a huge key. Right? The -- Right. -- being able to let someone else support you. And especially if you've been hurt or you're dating or you've been in a long term relationship maybe where there's in in, like, engrained patterns, but I'm curious. You know, like, what are some other ways that you think help you know, help people help women feel more ease in, like, opening up to receive until, like, get support because that can be very hard.

Allison Jayne [00:12:54]:

Yeah. It's can be really hard. And I think that when when we've been sort of conditioned not to receive. Actually, I was just having a conversation with some girlfriends about this yesterday about how we it really can be difficult and we're just not used to it, so it can feel really uncomfortable. And I also wanna clarify here that I'm not talking about when I when I say more in your feminine energy, I'm not talking about being a doormat, because being a doormat is somebody who is just always trying to please the other person and always trying to do what they want or what they you know, you're basically trying to earn their love by being the person you think they want you to be, and that is actually sneakily that yang energy because it is that doing energy. So I just wanna really, like, emphasize that part, but that's not what I'm talking about here. I'm really talking about being in that receptive energy where intimacy builds. That's where intimacy truly builds. When you're able to just let go and let your guard down and just truly be you, and allow the other person to do for you - that is when these deep seeds of intimacy can grow and foster. And when you're always I got this. I got this. I got this. You're kind of shutting the other person out. And so what we were talking about yesterday was why is it so hard for women to receive, which I guess, was your question there that you we started this with and it's I I think part of it is just ingrained in us. I think part of it is we are so used to being givers. I heard recently that women invest reinvest 90% of their income into the family compared I don't know what it is with men, but it's less. And so it's that's just, like, sort of what we've been so culturally. What's the word? conditioned into. Conditioned. Thank you. Yes. Conditioned to be and to do. And so it can be really uncomfortable to start to let go of the reins, to start to allow to receive from someone else because we're not in control. And when we're not in control, our brain says, beep, beep, not safe, not safe. Right? Like, our brain goes on, like, fight or flight, like, not being in control feels unsafe, and so that's where it can feel really scary. So one thing I try to talk with my clients about is just remember how good it feels though when YOU are the giver. And if that's how we need to backdoor away into receiving, we would we can backdoor into receiving that way. Think about that you're receiving is helping someone else. And I think a lot of women can relate to that. a little bit better and then it feels more comfortable and just know that, yeah, when you allow for someone else to help you, it makes them feel good. For me, it was a really difficult life lesson that I was forced to learn on this receptivity stuff when I first got divorced because I was a single parent of a nine and eleven year old. Their dad moved an hour away, and my parents, no family here, nothing. So I suddenly had to figure out how to frequently be in two places at once for my 2 different kids and juggle all of this stuff, and I simply couldn't do it. And I had to very humbly just allow ,ask. First of all, ask for help. which is really hard, and then allow it and allow that receptivity in. And so it by being forced to have to receive, I realized how good it was for me, frankly for my children, and for the people that were giving to me. So when I started reading about this stuff with dating and playing around with it, frankly, I experimented with some different guys that I was dating. I realized, wow. This is incredible. I become extremely magnetic to these men when they know that they can do things that will light me up, that will make me happy, when I will receive whatever it is that they want to do for me, and they really do generally wanna please you.

Amanda Testa [00:17:13]:

Yeah. I love that so much. I'm curious too because, you know, I think when it comes to kind of weaving in the EFT, with helping people move through some of these blocks. First of all, maybe just describe what EFT is for those who aren't familiar and then kinda how it helps.

Allison Jayne [00:17:29]:

Okay. My favorite topic. EFT tapping is a lot of times people will just hear about it as tapping, is basically a combination of tapping on one's own acupressure points on your body. I can never do this without tapping on myself while I'm in these interviews. So you're tap on 9 different acupressure points on your body and while you're processing traumatic or emotional material. And what that does is it sends a calming signal to the amygdala to the fight or flight part of our brain, and there's been some really fascinating research. This is not just we think what's happening. They're finding this is what's happening at a biological level with EEGs and blood and saliva tests. that it puts you into this very calm state. It puts you into what's known as an alpha brainwaves state, which is sort of that relaxed state you get into before sleep or if you've ever done yoga, Shavasana, or if you for meditators out there, that's your alpha brain wave state when you're meditating. So simply by tapping on these acupressure points, it puts you in this meditative state, and therefore, our biological system, our neurological system, I should say, is either turned one way or turned the other. It's kind of an on off switch. So we're either in this sympathetic nervous state of high emotion or we're in this parasympathetic nervous state of relaxed alpha chilled out kind of state. And so when you are tapping and it's bringing you into that state, the emotion that you're feeling simply can't continue to operate in your body, that switch gets flipped off, and eventually, the emotion will have to get shut down, and it's the coolest feeling ever. It feels like it just evaporates out of your body. If you tap long enough and stick with it, sometimes you have to persist a little. Sometimes not. Sometimes it's pretty quick. And so when the emotion is gone, what the theory is right now is that a new neural pathway actually gets created and when the new pathway gets created, you basically don't look at the situation the same anymore. because you're not it's not the same neural pathway. So you see it differently. You certainly feel differently about it, and you can have a lot of times new thoughts about it, which is very exciting, so new insight and new thoughts. So the way you use it with this whole piece about dating is in relationship struggles and all of it is when you tap on whatever it is that's bothering you, You clear out that negative emotion, and suddenly you have a new view on the situation. And when you have a new view, you start acting different towards the person, and I cannot tell you it's wild how many times I've seen this happen. the other person will start acting differently in response to your shift and your change on the inside.

Amanda Testa [00:20:25]:

Yeah. It's amazing how, you know, because a lot of times people will think, well, if I'm the only one doing anything, why would I bother? Like, if my partner not willing or if I'm not finding people that I wanna date or whatever, but it makes such a difference when you do the work on yourself because it does bring, you know, when you're in more of alignment with who you truly are authentically when you are feeling good and you are more magnetic to people. The people that are in your life and people you wanna bring it to your life. Right?

Allison Jayne [00:20:52]:

Absolutely. Yeah. That's actually the whole premise of the program that I have is change on the inside and what shows up on the outside changes. It doesn't matter. You don't have to change your dating profile pictures. You don't have to, you know, start going out every night or anything. When you do the internal work and you really start clearing the blocks of what it is that's holding you back, the unconscious fears that you didn't even realize you had about being in a relationship or about intimacy, or any of that. When you start doing that work and clearing it, the people you are supposed to connect with show up, and they just show up naturally. It's wild and amazing. It actually just happened to me just this past week with a client who's about halfway through my 8 week program and was started to get frustrated. I could tell. She was like, nothing still still nobody online is chatting with me. I'm not getting anywhere. Nothing's happening. And then this Monday, she showed up, and she said, okay. I had 2 dates. And so many people are chatting me up. So many guys are chatting me up. I can't even keep track. And And I said, right. See what I told you? It's like a switch flips all of a sudden. When you've done enough of the internal work, you do. You become magnetic. And people often ask me or they sort of implied to me, well, that sounds magical, and I agree. It does sound magical. but it is not. It is neuroscience. There is a part of our brain called the reticular activating system that is responsible for seeing patterns. And one of the stories I tell in my book, which is, like, my favorite story to tell, is how there was a a client who had done a lot of work herself, tapping. She'd done a lot of other energy modalities. a lot of self introspection clear out some traumatic stuff from past relationships, childhood. And the whole time she was doing this work, she lived in a high rise building for about 8 years And one day, she gets on her elevator, and she notices this, like, handsome guy, and I've seen pictures. He's very handsome and objectively speaking. Right? So she was like, oh, who's this guy? And they start chatting, and he asks her out on a date, and they go out. And they start dating. And a couple weeks into dating, he says to her, you know, I've seen you on the elevator for 8 years and you never said hi to me, and you never noticed me. And it turns out he's this really great guy. And here she was spending all these 8 years going out with jerks because that was her schema, her internal psychological representation of what love was. You know, sometimes if we have an early caretaker who is who is sort of maybe hot and cold or emotionally unavailable, our brains think, well, emotionally unavailable or hot and cold is love. So I'm going to be attracted to those people. This is all unconscious. Right? So once she cleared all that out, her brain suddenly saw someone who wasn't that way. And it was almost like magic that she suddenly saw him and was able to go out with him. Meanwhile, you've been sitting here the whole time. And so it's really interesting. And I always tell people, it's like the part of the brain that, you know, when you decide, okay, I wanna buy, let's say, a Tesla, and then you see Tesla's everywhere all of a sudden, and you were like, were those Teslas there before? Of course, they were there the whole time, but your brain wasn't seeing them. So once you start to change your internal schema for love and what that can mean in all. And you start to expect more that actually, I expect to be adored. I don't just want to be sort of liked. Then your brain will start looking for men

Amanda Testa [00:24:42]:

who are going to step up and adore you or partners, I should say. Yeah. I think that's so great. And I think too because I personally have been married for since 2010. So my husband and I have been together for, like, 14 years. But what I love is that, you know, I am a big fan of -- people that listen to the podcast know. Like, I'm a big fan of working on your own your own self and your own sexuality, and you're and cultivating that energy within yourself, And when I'm like I when I can tell too, and I'm like, well, I better start doing some practices and get back into my own energy, and it feels so good. And then When I do that, he is like, can't get enough. He cannot get enough. And it's so it's like so interesting because you can tell too, And and we all are human. Like, we'll have cycles. It's normal to, like, go through times where you're challenged and, like, you know, we go through the seasons.

Allison Jayne [00:25:34]:

I

Amanda Testa [00:25:35]:

Nothing all in one day or however it goes. But but it's like when you can take that time to, like, just pour into yourself, it's amazing.

Allison Jayne [00:25:43]:

Yeah. It is. And it is a practice. Right? I was talking a friend about this recently because it's so easy to get off track and to get sort of out of the habit of basically keeping your vibe up Right? Like, one of the stories that I tell in the book is how I was able to shift from going out. There was a period of time where I was going out sort of looking. You know? I wanna find the 1. Right? Like so I I have this, like, searching vibe, which is definitely a turn off to people in general. Right? And so I realized, okay. I needed to shift my vibe to one of simply just having fun. I just wanna go out and have fun. And this one night, when I was really focused on it, I went out with some friends. I'm just getting fun. I'm not gonna worry. I'm not even gonna try to meet anyone. And, of course, as the night went on, my brain started going, oh, look at you know, I wonder if there's a guy here. I wonder if there's a guy there. Just add a habit. And I said, nope. Just like meditation. Right? You gotta bring it back to your breath. Right? So in this case, I said, nope. You gotta bring it back to fun. I gotta bring my mind back to fun to this practice that I have set up for myself. And so I did. I just kept going back to fun over and over and over. And, in fact, I did meet a guy that night. And I didn't even realize for the first, like, 10, 15 minutes that he was flirting with me because I really was not focused on finding anyone. But suddenly, I became magnetic. Whereas, I can tell you there have been nights I've gone out looking and nothing. I get nothing. I get no, you know, no interest from anyone. And so so much of it is about your vibe, and I think that keeping your vibe up is so crucial, and it's hard, and it's impossible to keep it up all the time. And you don't wanna try to keep it up in a fake way. It's so important to feel what you need to feel. I have a whole chapter on that in the book too because you have to feel what you need to feel first. You can't force yourself into feeling better. You can't force yourself for instance into gratitude, you know -- Right. -- once you clear what you're resentful about, gratitude naturally bubbles up. So that's where I love the EFT tapping because it helps clear that stuff away. But then when you can shift your vibe and keep it high, you you do. You have this magnetism. You pull people in, not just people. circumstances, opportunities, all sorts of things, miraculous things come into your life when you're in flow, and the best way to stay in flow is some kind of practice if it's daily meditation, daily EFT. I'm a big fan of affirmations. I've been actually encouraging my clients to use some of the reels or TikTok ones that repeat over and over because you can just, like, kinda leave it on while you're I'm a big fan of Abraham Hicks stuff. And, you know, you can leave it on while you're getting ready in the morning and just hear everything's working out in my favor. It always is. Somehow, someway, it's working out of my favor. Shift that mindset, and you shift your vibe, and so then you shift who you draw into you on a regular basis.

Amanda Testa [00:28:51]:

I love that, and I think that's too why, like, mixing in the tapping is so key because oftentimes, if there's a part of you that doesn't believe the affirmations, you gotta do the deeper work to be like, get it all on board. And that's so I'm wondering if this you know, I have a a question. You can let me know how this lands for you, but I'm curious if you might be willing. to maybe walk us through, like, a short little tapping around embracing your magnetism or kind of feeling into your, like, juicy feminine self.

Allison Jayne [00:29:17]:

Yeah. I love it. Yeah. Would that be something you'd be open to do? Yeah. Yeah. You would. So there's there are

Allison Jayne [00:29:26]:

let me say. There's two ways of doing tapping in a way. Tapping always works on the negative emotion or the negative energy. And so a lot of times you're gonna hear, and if anybody goes to youtube, or whatever, you're gonna hear people tapping on negative statements. And that is because we wanna honor what we feel first. Like I was just saying, we gotta clear whatever it is that's in the way of natural. Love is our natural state. We gotta clear the blocks to love for love to come out and for us to become magnetic for it. And so that's what mostly we do, but I know some people struggle with that because they think, oh, I'm supposed to be saying these affirmations, and you're making me say these negative statements. So I always wanna caveat that. Now you can't actually just tap on an affirmation sometimes too because if if you are resistant to the affirmation, simply by tapping on the positive affirmation, you're actually clearing the resistance to it. Yeah. So that's like a little secret. Not too many people in the EFT world talk about, but it's very effective. So so for instance, if you're feeling like, oh god, I don't wanna I really don't wanna date let's say, you just recently got single. I don't wanna start dating again. You can tap on even though like, I am so excited to date again. I am dying to date again. I am so looking forward to it. And all this sorta, like, part of you that's, like, fuck off will come up and get cleared. while you tap on that. So that is that's just -- Yeah. -- to know about that. So -- Yeah. -- with the example that you used of sort of, okay, being able to lean into your feminine, I would say the biggest block that people have to that is the fear of letting go of control -- Yes. -- and just leaning back. So we can tap on fear of letting go of control, and

Amanda Testa [00:31:17]:

See where that takes us. I love that. I think that's such a good one too because, I mean, it it's relevant to everything, and I often see it a lot too in in when it comes to sex as well because that piece of surrender is so huge and letting go to enjoying the experience. And so this is very I think is a perfect topic.

Allison Jayne [00:31:35]:

Perfect. Yeah. That's such a good point that in in the chapter I I have on sex. I talk about mindfulness in the bedroom. which is really the key to experiencing a lot of pleasure is if you can get out of your head and into your body and really feel all the feels, and that requires letting go of control as well. Right? And that can be really scary to people. So but it will just completely transform your sex life if you're if you're able to do So, yeah, I think this is a good one. And I do on my YouTube channel, there's a tapping instructional video. There's so many resources. People can just Google how to do tapping, and you'll see. And so I know you guys can't see me, so I'll just try to talk you through the tapping points. And, hopefully, everyone will catch on to exactly what we're doing. So you wanna take your fingertips on one hand and tap on the side of the other hand below the fleshy side of your hand below the pinky knuckle. And people often ask me, does it matter what hands it does not? People often ask me, does it matter what the order of the points that we tap in, not technically, but the reason we always teach it in about the same order is just for muscle memory, it helps you remember it faster. That's that's about it. But it's not probably gonna change your results per se. If you tap in different orders and some people start with tapping on the top of the head and some people end on it, that's a common difference that people will see out there. But Okay. So we're gonna start by tapping, like I said, on the side of the hand. And then gonna say a statement here 3 times, and the statement is known as the setup statement because we're pairing some kind of statement of acceptance with the problem that we're trying to change. And the reason for that is we're trying to prime the brain. We have to accept where we are before we are able to change. It's the ultimate paradox of mental health if you ask me because it's we don't wanna accept where we are. We just want we don't wanna be here. We wanna get to there. But the fact of the matter is we're here right now So that's what I think is really powerful about this technique is that we accept where we are, and then we work towards the change. So we we kind of allow our brain to feel safer in that way. So we'll do the setup statement 3 times. Then we're gonna move to inside the eyebrow where the bridge of the nose and the eyebrows meet and tap there. You can do both hands or one. And then the next point is the side of the eyes, just outside the eyes, not quite the temple, followed by the under the eye point on the bony ridge right below your pupil, the under the nose point, which is right where the upper lip and nose meet. The next point is often referred to as the chin, but it's actually in the crease of the chin. I'm gonna tap there. The next point is called the collarbone, but again this is just below the collarbone, so you find it by going to the hollow of your neck, you go down about an inch and over about 2. There's a little dense there. That's your collarbone point. The next point is under the arm about 2 inches below your armpits right around your rib cage, and the last point is just on the top of your head and I know there's a lot of type a people out there who would say, well, exactly where is the crown point? So the trick is you take your thumbs, you put them behind your ears, there's these weird little dents you probably never knew were there. And then you bring your middle fingers together and down, and that is the top of your that is your exact crown point. And so when you're tapping, you're just using your fingertips on that point, and then we stop and take a deep breath. k? So now we can go through it together. And if you'll be my echo back voice -- I will. -- say something. You will just repeat after me, and everybody listening along, if you repeat, if you echo back, you will get more out of this. So I encourage you to try that. So just start by kinda tuning into your body and just feeling this feeling of, oh, I don't wanna give up control. It doesn't feel safe, it doesn't feel comfortable, and maybe give it a number on a scale 1 to 10, how intense does that feel. and then we can just start by tapping on the side of the hand and repeat after me and say, even though it feels scary to let go of this control.

Amanda Testa [00:36:00]:

Even though it feels scary to let go of this control.

Allison Jayne [00:36:03]:

And just lean back and receive.

Amanda Testa [00:36:06]:

And just lean back and receive.

Allison Jayne [00:36:08]:

I accept that I have this fear.

Amanda Testa [00:36:11]:

I accept that I have this fear.

Allison Jayne [00:36:14]:

Even though it feels scary to just let go of control.

Amanda Testa [00:36:19]:

Even though it just feel it feels scary to just let go of control.

Allison Jayne [00:36:23]:

To just be in my feminine flow receptivity?

Amanda Testa [00:36:27]:

to just be in my feminine flow receptivity. Without doing anything? Without doing anything. Just receiving? Just receiving. That feels kinda scary. That feels kinda scary.

Allison Jayne [00:36:42]:

And I accept that it feels scary.

Amanda Testa [00:36:44]:

And I accept that it feels scary.

Allison Jayne [00:36:47]:

And even though it does feel scary to give up control,

Amanda Testa [00:36:50]:

and even though it does feel scary to give up control.

Allison Jayne [00:36:54]:

I'm not used to it. I'm not used to it. I don't know what's gonna happen. I don't know what's gonna happen. So, yeah, it feels scary.

Amanda Testa [00:37:02]:

So, yeah, it feels scary.

Allison Jayne [00:37:04]:

And I accept that I'm a little bit afraid. And I accept that I'm a little bit afraid. because I accept all of me. because I accept all of me. Okay. Now I'm going to the eyebrow point, that inside eyebrow, and tapping there, and just saying this fear of giving up control.

Amanda Testa [00:37:19]:

This fear of giving up control.

Allison Jayne [00:37:21]:

Going to the side of the eye. This fear of just leaning back and receiving.

Amanda Testa [00:37:26]:

the fear of just leaning back and receiving.

Allison Jayne [00:37:29]:

Without doing anything. Without doing anything. Under the eye? It's scary to think about. It's scary to think about. Under the nose, it's scary to think about just giving up control.

Amanda Testa [00:37:44]:

It's scary to think about just giving up control.

Allison Jayne [00:37:47]:

Chin crease? Yeah. I feel that it's scary.

Amanda Testa [00:37:53]:

Yeah. I feel that it's scary.

Allison Jayne [00:37:55]:

collarbone point. I feel this scared feeling in my body.

Amanda Testa [00:38:00]:

I feel the scared feeling in my body.

Allison Jayne [00:38:03]:

Just thinking about it. Just thinking about it. Under the arm, it is scary to give up control.

Amanda Testa [00:38:08]:

It is scary to give up control.

Allison Jayne [00:38:11]:

Tap of the head. Yeah. It's scary.

Amanda Testa [00:38:15]:

Yeah. It's scary.

Allison Jayne [00:38:17]:

k. Deep breath. And now you test the effectiveness by tuning back in to that feeling of, oh it's hard to give up control, And what's your new number? Did you have a drop in your number?

Amanda Testa [00:38:40]:

It did. I even just feel like my body's like, ahh

Allison Jayne [00:38:44]:

Yeah. Yeah. That's that alpha brain wave kicking in even after one round. Yeah. So you can imagine if you do sort of multiple rounds on this issue if your number dropped by 1, 2, or 3, keep going. Ideally, you want your number to be 3 or less, and then you know you've kinda cleared it, and you'll see sometimes it takes about 24 hours for you to really notice a big difference, but people can start to see things shift and change. And sometimes when you tap on one emotion, another emotion will creep up So maybe your fear of letting go of control might have been less 7. And then when you tap on it, like, sadness might pop up at a 9, and you think, oh, gosh. Like, I feel sad. I really haven't been letting my partner in. I've been so controlling. So that's okay. Just keep tapping and tap it down. It is designed to be a self help tool. Most people can use it that way. If it's really feeling super intense, I would recommend, you know, finding a practitioner to work with, if you're dealing with big stuff, you never wanna deal with, like, big trauma or anything on your own. But for just simple little things like this. It's the best self help tool I've found.

Amanda Testa [00:39:57]:

Hello. I love tapping too because I think And it's really good for people that might not enjoy meditating or have a hard time just sitting there because it's like an active process that can be really helpful. It keeps your you're you're focused on what you're doing. And so you just and once you get the habit, you can do it around anything, which I love. And it's also great to use with kids. I love using it with my daughter. It's such a great it's a great tool. So and it's so versatile, which is great. But I love how you specifically you know, like, how your methods specifically works with dating and, like, really finding that goddess within. Like, date like a goddess. I love that name because it's true. It's like we have when we can show up in that way that it really does bringour radiance online and just our life force energy and all that good juicy stuff that we want. Like, we want to be our best self in the world, and it doesn't always have to look like doing and striving.

Allison Jayne [00:40:51]:

Right. Right. And when you show up in that highest goddess vibe, not only are you do see it confident and magnetic in that way, But you're also boundaried, Right? But you're also you're when you feel like a true goddess who truly deserves the best treatment, you are not gonna put up with a guy who's treating you anything less than that, and you're not gonna have any fear of never finding another one because you're gonna just know I know I deserve this, and I am a goddess, and I can't. And I can just draw in another guy next week if you're not going to step up and be who I deserve. And that in and of itself is an idea that I think blows the minds of a lot of women, and it's hard, and it's scary to have that kind of faith that, okay, if I let this guy go who's not prioritizing me or who's hot and cold or whatever, that another one will come along. And so that's a perfect thing to tap on. It's even though I'm afraid that if I let this guy go, I'll never find another guy, I accept that I have this fear. That's a perfect one right there that'll keep you in that high goddess. Alright? I I know what I deserve, and I'm gonna wait. Like -- Mhmm. -- like a a queen would wait for the right, you know, the right treatment to come along for her.

Amanda Testa [00:42:06]:

I think that's true. I think a lot of times when people are looking for a new relationship, you know, they don't wanna repeat the same things they've had in the past, and they are, like, done. with putting up with different things. And so it's important, I think, to sometimes get help from a professional so that you can move forward, making sure you're not carrying around that past baggage and things so that you are able to truly, connect with who you want in the way you want. Right? So thank you so much for all this goodness. I'd love if you wouldn't mind, you know, sharing more about where everyone can connect with you and find your book and all of that good stuff.

Allison Jayne [00:42:38]:

Yeah. Yes. Thank you. So my website is learntodatelikeagoddess.com, and I actually have a special offer for any of your listeners can go to my website right now and download a free e copy of my book and start to explore every chapter has a tapping script in it to help you start to clear away some of these blocks. So that's a great opportunity for everyone listening, and You can also find me on instagram at @allisonjaynegoddessmaker

Amanda Testa [00:43:13]:

Beautiful. And I'll make sure as well to put all this in the show notes so everyone can hit that goodness as well as I'm wondering, you know, if there are maybe as any word you'd like to share if there's anything that a question that I you know, that you wish I would have asked.

Allison Jayne [00:43:30]:

that's a good question. I think that the big message that I do try to convey to women at midlife is don't let fear lead you down a path in any way, shape, or form when it comes to relationships. I do think that when you're dating in your forties, 50,60s, it can feel like there's some clock ticking, like you're running out of time, and it can kind of cloud your judgment or lead you into paths of either maybe picking the wrong person or or just not dating at all and just throwing in the towel. And, you know, my friend says there's a lid for every pot. First of all, we truly believe that. And, also, just it's it's you don't need to meet a 1000, guys, you're just looking for your one guy or your one partner. And so just do the work on yourself. Keep your heart as open as possible, which is clearing out all the blocks to that, and you will draw in the person for you, the ideal right fit person for you.

Amanda Testa [00:44:43]:

Well, thank you so much again, Allison. It's been such a pleasure to have you, and thank you all for listening. Again, you'll find all those resources in the show notes. So we will look forward to seeing you next week. Thank you for being here. Yes.Amanda Testa [00:00:04]:

Welcome everyone to the podcast. It's your host, Amanda Testa. So what happens when happily ever after does not happen for you? So maybe you're finding yourself in the dating pool again in midlife and you're like, what? but you're in luck. because today, if you're looking to date like a goddess, or if you're already in a relationship and you're really wanting to learn some powerful tips to magnetize your partner, and feel more confident in the bedroom, you're in for a treat today. Today, I am going to be talking with Alison J. Ewing. She's a licensed clinical social worker and a certified EFT practitioner who's also a divorce and dating woman. She has just re recently written an amazing new book called Learn To Date Like a Goddess Find Love again. And so we are gonna be diving into all kinds of goodness today around really how we can use tapping among other things to, you know, kind of clear the things that are in the way of creating the relationship that we want, finding your empowerment around dating and feeling good in the process and all kinds of ways to have fun in the process. So welcome so much, Allison. So happy to have you here. Thanks. I'm really happy to be here. Yeah. And I'm curious if you would just kind of share a little bit more about you and what, you know, led you to be so passionate to write the book.

Allison Jayne [00:01:19]:

Sure, I am happy to. I was a psychotherapist, classically trained for a really long time in my career, and as time went on, I began realizing that my clients through regular sort of more traditional talk therapy would have these great insights- but weren't able to apply them. And so I dealt into more mind body techniques to see if I could try to break some of those barriers down for people, and I came across EFT tapping, which I find to be a complete game changer. So I switched my whole practice to working with clients exclusively with EFT tapping, and then, I got divorced. And when I went through that experience, it certainly changes a person. Right? My whole identity had to shift, and I had to really figure out who I was, who this new version of me was going to be because certainly it's not what anyone expects, I don't believe to to be single again. And for me, it was in my early forties. And then I slowly gathered a group of women around me who were also divorced. They sort of jokingly called me the divorce whisperer in my town, and I and I made some really amazing wonderful friendships out of this as we, as single women, kinda bonded together through not just our experience of of gone through having gone through a divorce, but also this entering the world of dating.

Amanda Testa [00:02:53]:

Yeah. And

Allison Jayne [00:02:54]:

I think one of the most pivotal experiences I had was I had a a friend, well, she's a good friend now and a colleague now because she does date coaching as well, who was going through her divorce, and I did not know her so well at that point. And I said to her, hey. Listen. I'm sure you're not maybe ready right now, but when you're ready to date, like, call me. Let's get a drink. I'll help you. I'm super excited for you. It's gonna be fun. I'll help you set up a profile, anything you wanna pick my brain about. I'm here for you. And later she told me something that really kind of caught me off guard at the time, which was, she said you were the only cheerleader in my life at that time about dating. Literally, everyone else in her world had kind of come to her with these, like, UGGG you have to date again. That's gonna be so awful. I'm so sorry. You must be dreading that and things like that. So her friends and family were really negative about it, and she actually was excited. You know, she was nervous and all the things we all feel, but she was kind of excited. There's something to having another shot at love that can be very exciting once you've worked through some of the the pain and the, you know, negativity of of your last relationship ending. And So it just highlighted for me that I have something to offer people, and it eventually led me to gatherings stories of my clients and my friends and my own experiences and pulling them together in this book that I wrote last summer.

Amanda Testa [00:04:26]:

Beautiful. I love it. And I think you're you know, it's it's true. You know, people have such a varied view on dating and what that entails and all of it, and especially when you're in a different phase in life and all of those things. So I'm wondering too, you know, I think a lot of times, even when whether you're in a relationship and you want to feel more like just have fun again and feel like that because I think that's one of the things I personally that you should always date even if you're in a long term relationship. Like, keep it fun and keep the, you know I'm curious, you know, when it comes to kind of working through people's blocks around that. What do you find, like, is number the one of the number one things that are holding people back from putting themselves out there in that way or, like, opening up? to to more.

Allison Jayne [00:05:12]:

Yeah. So what was very interesting to me is when the book came out, I had a lot of my married friends read it out of support. And I thought, oh, that's so nice of them, but they're not gonna get anything out of this book. And boy was I surprised with the feedback that I got. where they said, oh my gosh. This was so eye opening to me. And the one chapter in particular that a lot of people who were already in relationships gave me some feedback on is also a little bit of a controversial chapter in a way and I wanna be very careful how I talk about it because I really believe that the secret to a very successful heterosexual relationship is for the woman to be in her feminine energy as much of the time as possible. And then allowing the man to be in his masculine energy space. And listen, I'm a die hard feminist. I was a women's studies minor in college. And when I first started hearing about this concept of masculine/ feminine energy, I was a little turned off by it. So I'm guessing maybe even of your listeners might be right now. And I I was very skeptical. And as I started doing more research on it and delving in and figuring out what exactly is this that people are talking about out there, I realized how powerful this skill actually is if you really can get it get it right and understand it. So feminine energy is all about flow. It's about receptivity it is sort of for yogis out there, the yin to the yang. And so yin is very quiet. It's very gentle, it's relaxed. And masculine energy, the sort of yang energy, is the go go go produce, create, build. It's that always sort of in action mode, whereas the feminine energy is more in receptive mode. And here's the thing, in our modern day society, the masculine energy is certainly the most rewarded. I mean, we all know that. Right? We have to go go go career wise and and just in terms of maybe parenting or lifeing. Right? Like, life requires a lot of masculine energy, a lot of doing kind of energy, and it's it's definitely valued more as well as rewarded better. And so I think what has happened over time is women have gotten so focused on being in their masculine energy to be able to get all the things done that they need to get done on every day, that they then continue to stay in that masculine energy in their intimate relationship, and that is where it really doesn't serve us. If women can start to sort of lean in more to their feminine energy space in their intimate in their most intimate, their romantic relationship, they can kind of give up the reins, lean back energetically speaking, and allow their man to be in his masculine and his doing energy and allow him to do for her, to do for you. So what happens though is when I bring that up, a lot of women immediately gets scared and have a big reaction to that and feel things like, well, if I do that, he's not gonna step up, or he's you know, nothing's gonna happen there. But on the converse, what I've heard from a lot of men is I feel like she doesn't need me at all, and they feel sort of sort of pushed out when you're in when you're incorporating all the masculine energy in the relationship, they just don't really have space to step up and and be the hero, frankly, that they wanna be. And some people challenge me on this number, but I say about 90% of men are good men that want to do that. They want to be the hero for their woman in some way, shape, or form, and every man's a little different in how they show up in that way. If you are with a man that isn't interested in that, I say get rid of him because there's better ones out there. And I really do think that most of the time when men start to isolate in a relationship, you know, think about the guys who go golfing all day and then stay at the bar for hours after and don't come home or the guys who just veg out on the couch and watch TV and don't really try to interact I would say that's a situation where you wanna try to practice getting out of your masculine energy, leaning into your feminine energy more and seeing if he's then able to start showing up and being more present with you because he's suddenly feeling needed. So how does this look? It's it looks like asking him to do things for you. And when he does, literally saying, Thank you so much. You're my hero. It it's not trying to control how he does it either. It's hey. I need some help with this and such. Can you do that? You know? And then not telling him exactly how to do it, just letting him do it. and then kind of reinforcing the parts that you liked about whatever it is he does. But I think that as women were so used to being in control all the time, we're gonna tell them to grocery shop, and then we're gonna tell them exactly how to do it, exactly what I also go and exactly what to get, and we're not gonna leave any space rather than I super appreciate that you shopped, and I loved that you got a, b, and c. And then just kinda let that go and receive the guesture, And then maybe at a future time, you could have a conversation about something more specific that you needed him to do that wasn't done. But in the moment, you just wanna receive his masculine doing for you, and it's really kind of a win win when you can do it because You are less frazzled. You are more relaxed when you're in your feminine energy, and he gets to be the the man, the guy that he has always wanted to be for you.

Amanda Testa [00:11:36]:

I do I mean, I do feel like that oftentimes your partner wants to please you. Right? And I think when it comes to, like, the energetics, there's so many things around that, but it's just like there's a polarity no matter your you know, no matter what your gender identification is, no matter where you stand. because there's lots of nonbinary, and I wanna honor that too. Like, People might not always resonate with these terms, but I think what is true is, like and you can kind of flow in between them sometimes too. I think it's it's important to just being to notice. Right? Like, whether you wanna call it masculine, feminine, or right brain, left brainer, Yin and Yang, or, like, the lunar energy and the solar energy, they have similar properties. And you can tell in a relationship who like, a stronger in one area than the other. And it's so true, like, in our society, it is so built on, you know, like achieving and doing and, like, extracting all that you can for yourself. And I also see too a lot of times is that we don't relax and let go to have someone else support and that's such a huge key. Right? The -- Right. -- being able to let someone else support you. And especially if you've been hurt or you're dating or you've been in a long term relationship maybe where there's in in, like, engrained patterns, but I'm curious. You know, like, what are some other ways that you think help you know, help people help women feel more ease in, like, opening up to receive until, like, get support because that can be very hard.

Allison Jayne [00:12:54]:

Yeah. It's can be really hard. And I think that when when we've been sort of conditioned not to receive. Actually, I was just having a conversation with some girlfriends about this yesterday about how we it really can be difficult and we're just not used to it, so it can feel really uncomfortable. And I also wanna clarify here that I'm not talking about when I when I say more in your feminine energy, I'm not talking about being a doormat, because being a doormat is somebody who is just always trying to please the other person and always trying to do what they want or what they you know, you're basically trying to earn their love by being the person you think they want you to be, and that is actually sneakily that yang energy because it is that doing energy. So I just wanna really, like, emphasize that part, but that's not what I'm talking about here. I'm really talking about being in that receptive energy where intimacy builds. That's where intimacy truly builds. When you're able to just let go and let your guard down and just truly be you, and allow the other person to do for you - that is when these deep seeds of intimacy can grow and foster. And when you're always I got this. I got this. I got this. You're kind of shutting the other person out. And so what we were talking about yesterday was why is it so hard for women to receive, which I guess, was your question there that you we started this with and it's I I think part of it is just ingrained in us. I think part of it is we are so used to being givers. I heard recently that women invest reinvest 90% of their income into the family compared I don't know what it is with men, but it's less. And so it's that's just, like, sort of what we've been so culturally. What's the word? conditioned into. Conditioned. Thank you. Yes. Conditioned to be and to do. And so it can be really uncomfortable to start to let go of the reins, to start to allow to receive from someone else because we're not in control. And when we're not in control, our brain says, beep, beep, not safe, not safe. Right? Like, our brain goes on, like, fight or flight, like, not being in control feels unsafe, and so that's where it can feel really scary. So one thing I try to talk with my clients about is just remember how good it feels though when YOU are the giver. And if that's how we need to backdoor away into receiving, we would we can backdoor into receiving that way. Think about that you're receiving is helping someone else. And I think a lot of women can relate to that. a little bit better and then it feels more comfortable and just know that, yeah, when you allow for someone else to help you, it makes them feel good. For me, it was a really difficult life lesson that I was forced to learn on this receptivity stuff when I first got divorced because I was a single parent of a nine and eleven year old. Their dad moved an hour away, and my parents, no family here, nothing. So I suddenly had to figure out how to frequently be in two places at once for my 2 different kids and juggle all of this stuff, and I simply couldn't do it. And I had to very humbly just allow ,ask. First of all, ask for help. which is really hard, and then allow it and allow that receptivity in. And so it by being forced to have to receive, I realized how good it was for me, frankly for my children, and for the people that were giving to me. So when I started reading about this stuff with dating and playing around with it, frankly, I experimented with some different guys that I was dating. I realized, wow. This is incredible. I become extremely magnetic to these men when they know that they can do things that will light me up, that will make me happy, when I will receive whatever it is that they want to do for me, and they really do generally wanna please you.

Amanda Testa [00:17:13]:

Yeah. I love that so much. I'm curious too because, you know, I think when it comes to kind of weaving in the EFT, with helping people move through some of these blocks. First of all, maybe just describe what EFT is for those who aren't familiar and then kinda how it helps.

Allison Jayne [00:17:29]:

Okay. My favorite topic. EFT tapping is a lot of times people will just hear about it as tapping, is basically a combination of tapping on one's own acupressure points on your body. I can never do this without tapping on myself while I'm in these interviews. So you're tap on 9 different acupressure points on your body and while you're processing traumatic or emotional material. And what that does is it sends a calming signal to the amygdala to the fight or flight part of our brain, and there's been some really fascinating research. This is not just we think what's happening. They're finding this is what's happening at a biological level with EEGs and blood and saliva tests. that it puts you into this very calm state. It puts you into what's known as an alpha brainwaves state, which is sort of that relaxed state you get into before sleep or if you've ever done yoga, Shavasana, or if you for meditators out there, that's your alpha brain wave state when you're meditating. So simply by tapping on these acupressure points, it puts you in this meditative state, and therefore, our biological system, our neurological system, I should say, is either turned one way or turned the other. It's kind of an on off switch. So we're either in this sympathetic nervous state of high emotion or we're in this parasympathetic nervous state of relaxed alpha chilled out kind of state. And so when you are tapping and it's bringing you into that state, the emotion that you're feeling simply can't continue to operate in your body, that switch gets flipped off, and eventually, the emotion will have to get shut down, and it's the coolest feeling ever. It feels like it just evaporates out of your body. If you tap long enough and stick with it, sometimes you have to persist a little. Sometimes not. Sometimes it's pretty quick. And so when the emotion is gone, what the theory is right now is that a new neural pathway actually gets created and when the new pathway gets created, you basically don't look at the situation the same anymore. because you're not it's not the same neural pathway. So you see it differently. You certainly feel differently about it, and you can have a lot of times new thoughts about it, which is very exciting, so new insight and new thoughts. So the way you use it with this whole piece about dating is in relationship struggles and all of it is when you tap on whatever it is that's bothering you, You clear out that negative emotion, and suddenly you have a new view on the situation. And when you have a new view, you start acting different towards the person, and I cannot tell you it's wild how many times I've seen this happen. the other person will start acting differently in response to your shift and your change on the inside.

Amanda Testa [00:20:25]:

Yeah. It's amazing how, you know, because a lot of times people will think, well, if I'm the only one doing anything, why would I bother? Like, if my partner not willing or if I'm not finding people that I wanna date or whatever, but it makes such a difference when you do the work on yourself because it does bring, you know, when you're in more of alignment with who you truly are authentically when you are feeling good and you are more magnetic to people. The people that are in your life and people you wanna bring it to your life. Right?

Allison Jayne [00:20:52]:

Absolutely. Yeah. That's actually the whole premise of the program that I have is change on the inside and what shows up on the outside changes. It doesn't matter. You don't have to change your dating profile pictures. You don't have to, you know, start going out every night or anything. When you do the internal work and you really start clearing the blocks of what it is that's holding you back, the unconscious fears that you didn't even realize you had about being in a relationship or about intimacy, or any of that. When you start doing that work and clearing it, the people you are supposed to connect with show up, and they just show up naturally. It's wild and amazing. It actually just happened to me just this past week with a client who's about halfway through my 8 week program and was started to get frustrated. I could tell. She was like, nothing still still nobody online is chatting with me. I'm not getting anywhere. Nothing's happening. And then this Monday, she showed up, and she said, okay. I had 2 dates. And so many people are chatting me up. So many guys are chatting me up. I can't even keep track. And And I said, right. See what I told you? It's like a switch flips all of a sudden. When you've done enough of the internal work, you do. You become magnetic. And people often ask me or they sort of implied to me, well, that sounds magical, and I agree. It does sound magical. but it is not. It is neuroscience. There is a part of our brain called the reticular activating system that is responsible for seeing patterns. And one of the stories I tell in my book, which is, like, my favorite story to tell, is how there was a a client who had done a lot of work herself, tapping. She'd done a lot of other energy modalities. a lot of self introspection clear out some traumatic stuff from past relationships, childhood. And the whole time she was doing this work, she lived in a high rise building for about 8 years And one day, she gets on her elevator, and she notices this, like, handsome guy, and I've seen pictures. He's very handsome and objectively speaking. Right? So she was like, oh, who's this guy? And they start chatting, and he asks her out on a date, and they go out. And they start dating. And a couple weeks into dating, he says to her, you know, I've seen you on the elevator for 8 years and you never said hi to me, and you never noticed me. And it turns out he's this really great guy. And here she was spending all these 8 years going out with jerks because that was her schema, her internal psychological representation of what love was. You know, sometimes if we have an early caretaker who is who is sort of maybe hot and cold or emotionally unavailable, our brains think, well, emotionally unavailable or hot and cold is love. So I'm going to be attracted to those people. This is all unconscious. Right? So once she cleared all that out, her brain suddenly saw someone who wasn't that way. And it was almost like magic that she suddenly saw him and was able to go out with him. Meanwhile, you've been sitting here the whole time. And so it's really interesting. And I always tell people, it's like the part of the brain that, you know, when you decide, okay, I wanna buy, let's say, a Tesla, and then you see Tesla's everywhere all of a sudden, and you were like, were those Teslas there before? Of course, they were there the whole time, but your brain wasn't seeing them. So once you start to change your internal schema for love and what that can mean in all. And you start to expect more that actually, I expect to be adored. I don't just want to be sort of liked. Then your brain will start looking for men

Amanda Testa [00:24:42]:

who are going to step up and adore you or partners, I should say. Yeah. I think that's so great. And I think too because I personally have been married for since 2010. So my husband and I have been together for, like, 14 years. But what I love is that, you know, I am a big fan of -- people that listen to the podcast know. Like, I'm a big fan of working on your own your own self and your own sexuality, and you're and cultivating that energy within yourself, And when I'm like I when I can tell too, and I'm like, well, I better start doing some practices and get back into my own energy, and it feels so good. And then When I do that, he is like, can't get enough. He cannot get enough. And it's so it's like so interesting because you can tell too, And and we all are human. Like, we'll have cycles. It's normal to, like, go through times where you're challenged and, like, you know, we go through the seasons.

Allison Jayne [00:25:34]:

I

Amanda Testa [00:25:35]:

Nothing all in one day or however it goes. But but it's like when you can take that time to, like, just pour into yourself, it's amazing.

Allison Jayne [00:25:43]:

Yeah. It is. And it is a practice. Right? I was talking a friend about this recently because it's so easy to get off track and to get sort of out of the habit of basically keeping your vibe up Right? Like, one of the stories that I tell in the book is how I was able to shift from going out. There was a period of time where I was going out sort of looking. You know? I wanna find the 1. Right? Like so I I have this, like, searching vibe, which is definitely a turn off to people in general. Right? And so I realized, okay. I needed to shift my vibe to one of simply just having fun. I just wanna go out and have fun. And this one night, when I was really focused on it, I went out with some friends. I'm just getting fun. I'm not gonna worry. I'm not even gonna try to meet anyone. And, of course, as the night went on, my brain started going, oh, look at you know, I wonder if there's a guy here. I wonder if there's a guy there. Just add a habit. And I said, nope. Just like meditation. Right? You gotta bring it back to your breath. Right? So in this case, I said, nope. You gotta bring it back to fun. I gotta bring my mind back to fun to this practice that I have set up for myself. And so I did. I just kept going back to fun over and over and over. And, in fact, I did meet a guy that night. And I didn't even realize for the first, like, 10, 15 minutes that he was flirting with me because I really was not focused on finding anyone. But suddenly, I became magnetic. Whereas, I can tell you there have been nights I've gone out looking and nothing. I get nothing. I get no, you know, no interest from anyone. And so so much of it is about your vibe, and I think that keeping your vibe up is so crucial, and it's hard, and it's impossible to keep it up all the time. And you don't wanna try to keep it up in a fake way. It's so important to feel what you need to feel. I have a whole chapter on that in the book too because you have to feel what you need to feel first. You can't force yourself into feeling better. You can't force yourself for instance into gratitude, you know -- Right. -- once you clear what you're resentful about, gratitude naturally bubbles up. So that's where I love the EFT tapping because it helps clear that stuff away. But then when you can shift your vibe and keep it high, you you do. You have this magnetism. You pull people in, not just people. circumstances, opportunities, all sorts of things, miraculous things come into your life when you're in flow, and the best way to stay in flow is some kind of practice if it's daily meditation, daily EFT. I'm a big fan of affirmations. I've been actually encouraging my clients to use some of the reels or TikTok ones that repeat over and over because you can just, like, kinda leave it on while you're I'm a big fan of Abraham Hicks stuff. And, you know, you can leave it on while you're getting ready in the morning and just hear everything's working out in my favor. It always is. Somehow, someway, it's working out of my favor. Shift that mindset, and you shift your vibe, and so then you shift who you draw into you on a regular basis.

Amanda Testa [00:28:51]:

I love that, and I think that's too why, like, mixing in the tapping is so key because oftentimes, if there's a part of you that doesn't believe the affirmations, you gotta do the deeper work to be like, get it all on board. And that's so I'm wondering if this you know, I have a a question. You can let me know how this lands for you, but I'm curious if you might be willing. to maybe walk us through, like, a short little tapping around embracing your magnetism or kind of feeling into your, like, juicy feminine self.

Allison Jayne [00:29:17]:

Yeah. I love it. Yeah. Would that be something you'd be open to do? Yeah. Yeah. You would. So there's there are

Allison Jayne [00:29:26]:

let me say. There's two ways of doing tapping in a way. Tapping always works on the negative emotion or the negative energy. And so a lot of times you're gonna hear, and if anybody goes to youtube, or whatever, you're gonna hear people tapping on negative statements. And that is because we wanna honor what we feel first. Like I was just saying, we gotta clear whatever it is that's in the way of natural. Love is our natural state. We gotta clear the blocks to love for love to come out and for us to become magnetic for it. And so that's what mostly we do, but I know some people struggle with that because they think, oh, I'm supposed to be saying these affirmations, and you're making me say these negative statements. So I always wanna caveat that. Now you can't actually just tap on an affirmation sometimes too because if if you are resistant to the affirmation, simply by tapping on the positive affirmation, you're actually clearing the resistance to it. Yeah. So that's like a little secret. Not too many people in the EFT world talk about, but it's very effective. So so for instance, if you're feeling like, oh god, I don't wanna I really don't wanna date let's say, you just recently got single. I don't wanna start dating again. You can tap on even though like, I am so excited to date again. I am dying to date again. I am so looking forward to it. And all this sorta, like, part of you that's, like, fuck off will come up and get cleared. while you tap on that. So that is that's just -- Yeah. -- to know about that. So -- Yeah. -- with the example that you used of sort of, okay, being able to lean into your feminine, I would say the biggest block that people have to that is the fear of letting go of control -- Yes. -- and just leaning back. So we can tap on fear of letting go of control, and

Amanda Testa [00:31:17]:

See where that takes us. I love that. I think that's such a good one too because, I mean, it it's relevant to everything, and I often see it a lot too in in when it comes to sex as well because that piece of surrender is so huge and letting go to enjoying the experience. And so this is very I think is a perfect topic.

Allison Jayne [00:31:35]:

Perfect. Yeah. That's such a good point that in in the chapter I I have on sex. I talk about mindfulness in the bedroom. which is really the key to experiencing a lot of pleasure is if you can get out of your head and into your body and really feel all the feels, and that requires letting go of control as well. Right? And that can be really scary to people. So but it will just completely transform your sex life if you're if you're able to do So, yeah, I think this is a good one. And I do on my YouTube channel, there's a tapping instructional video. There's so many resources. People can just Google how to do tapping, and you'll see. And so I know you guys can't see me, so I'll just try to talk you through the tapping points. And, hopefully, everyone will catch on to exactly what we're doing. So you wanna take your fingertips on one hand and tap on the side of the other hand below the fleshy side of your hand below the pinky knuckle. And people often ask me, does it matter what hands it does not? People often ask me, does it matter what the order of the points that we tap in, not technically, but the reason we always teach it in about the same order is just for muscle memory, it helps you remember it faster. That's that's about it. But it's not probably gonna change your results per se. If you tap in different orders and some people start with tapping on the top of the head and some people end on it, that's a common difference that people will see out there. But Okay. So we're gonna start by tapping, like I said, on the side of the hand. And then gonna say a statement here 3 times, and the statement is known as the setup statement because we're pairing some kind of statement of acceptance with the problem that we're trying to change. And the reason for that is we're trying to prime the brain. We have to accept where we are before we are able to change. It's the ultimate paradox of mental health if you ask me because it's we don't wanna accept where we are. We just want we don't wanna be here. We wanna get to there. But the fact of the matter is we're here right now So that's what I think is really powerful about this technique is that we accept where we are, and then we work towards the change. So we we kind of allow our brain to feel safer in that way. So we'll do the setup statement 3 times. Then we're gonna move to inside the eyebrow where the bridge of the nose and the eyebrows meet and tap there. You can do both hands or one. And then the next point is the side of the eyes, just outside the eyes, not quite the temple, followed by the under the eye point on the bony ridge right below your pupil, the under the nose point, which is right where the upper lip and nose meet. The next point is often referred to as the chin, but it's actually in the crease of the chin. I'm gonna tap there. The next point is called the collarbone, but again this is just below the collarbone, so you find it by going to the hollow of your neck, you go down about an inch and over about 2. There's a little dense there. That's your collarbone point. The next point is under the arm about 2 inches below your armpits right around your rib cage, and the last point is just on the top of your head and I know there's a lot of type a people out there who would say, well, exactly where is the crown point? So the trick is you take your thumbs, you put them behind your ears, there's these weird little dents you probably never knew were there. And then you bring your middle fingers together and down, and that is the top of your that is your exact crown point. And so when you're tapping, you're just using your fingertips on that point, and then we stop and take a deep breath. k? So now we can go through it together. And if you'll be my echo back voice -- I will. -- say something. You will just repeat after me, and everybody listening along, if you repeat, if you echo back, you will get more out of this. So I encourage you to try that. So just start by kinda tuning into your body and just feeling this feeling of, oh, I don't wanna give up control. It doesn't feel safe, it doesn't feel comfortable, and maybe give it a number on a scale 1 to 10, how intense does that feel. and then we can just start by tapping on the side of the hand and repeat after me and say, even though it feels scary to let go of this control.

Amanda Testa [00:36:00]:

Even though it feels scary to let go of this control.

Allison Jayne [00:36:03]:

And just lean back and receive.

Amanda Testa [00:36:06]:

And just lean back and receive.

Allison Jayne [00:36:08]:

I accept that I have this fear.

Amanda Testa [00:36:11]:

I accept that I have this fear.

Allison Jayne [00:36:14]:

Even though it feels scary to just let go of control.

Amanda Testa [00:36:19]:

Even though it just feel it feels scary to just let go of control.

Allison Jayne [00:36:23]:

To just be in my feminine flow receptivity?

Amanda Testa [00:36:27]:

to just be in my feminine flow receptivity. Without doing anything? Without doing anything. Just receiving? Just receiving. That feels kinda scary. That feels kinda scary.

Allison Jayne [00:36:42]:

And I accept that it feels scary.

Amanda Testa [00:36:44]:

And I accept that it feels scary.

Allison Jayne [00:36:47]:

And even though it does feel scary to give up control,

Amanda Testa [00:36:50]:

and even though it does feel scary to give up control.

Allison Jayne [00:36:54]:

I'm not used to it. I'm not used to it. I don't know what's gonna happen. I don't know what's gonna happen. So, yeah, it feels scary.

Amanda Testa [00:37:02]:

So, yeah, it feels scary.

Allison Jayne [00:37:04]:

And I accept that I'm a little bit afraid. And I accept that I'm a little bit afraid. because I accept all of me. because I accept all of me. Okay. Now I'm going to the eyebrow point, that inside eyebrow, and tapping there, and just saying this fear of giving up control.

Amanda Testa [00:37:19]:

This fear of giving up control.

Allison Jayne [00:37:21]:

Going to the side of the eye. This fear of just leaning back and receiving.

Amanda Testa [00:37:26]:

the fear of just leaning back and receiving.

Allison Jayne [00:37:29]:

Without doing anything. Without doing anything. Under the eye? It's scary to think about. It's scary to think about. Under the nose, it's scary to think about just giving up control.

Amanda Testa [00:37:44]:

It's scary to think about just giving up control.

Allison Jayne [00:37:47]:

Chin crease? Yeah. I feel that it's scary.

Amanda Testa [00:37:53]:

Yeah. I feel that it's scary.

Allison Jayne [00:37:55]:

collarbone point. I feel this scared feeling in my body.

Amanda Testa [00:38:00]:

I feel the scared feeling in my body.

Allison Jayne [00:38:03]:

Just thinking about it. Just thinking about it. Under the arm, it is scary to give up control.

Amanda Testa [00:38:08]:

It is scary to give up control.

Allison Jayne [00:38:11]:

Tap of the head. Yeah. It's scary.

Amanda Testa [00:38:15]:

Yeah. It's scary.

Allison Jayne [00:38:17]:

k. Deep breath. And now you test the effectiveness by tuning back in to that feeling of, oh it's hard to give up control, And what's your new number? Did you have a drop in your number?

Amanda Testa [00:38:40]:

It did. I even just feel like my body's like, ahh

Allison Jayne [00:38:44]:

Yeah. Yeah. That's that alpha brain wave kicking in even after one round. Yeah. So you can imagine if you do sort of multiple rounds on this issue if your number dropped by 1, 2, or 3, keep going. Ideally, you want your number to be 3 or less, and then you know you've kinda cleared it, and you'll see sometimes it takes about 24 hours for you to really notice a big difference, but people can start to see things shift and change. And sometimes when you tap on one emotion, another emotion will creep up So maybe your fear of letting go of control might have been less 7. And then when you tap on it, like, sadness might pop up at a 9, and you think, oh, gosh. Like, I feel sad. I really haven't been letting my partner in. I've been so controlling. So that's okay. Just keep tapping and tap it down. It is designed to be a self help tool. Most people can use it that way. If it's really feeling super intense, I would recommend, you know, finding a practitioner to work with, if you're dealing with big stuff, you never wanna deal with, like, big trauma or anything on your own. But for just simple little things like this. It's the best self help tool I've found.

Amanda Testa [00:39:57]:

Hello. I love tapping too because I think And it's really good for people that might not enjoy meditating or have a hard time just sitting there because it's like an active process that can be really helpful. It keeps your you're you're focused on what you're doing. And so you just and once you get the habit, you can do it around anything, which I love. And it's also great to use with kids. I love using it with my daughter. It's such a great it's a great tool. So and it's so versatile, which is great. But I love how you specifically you know, like, how your methods specifically works with dating and, like, really finding that goddess within. Like, date like a goddess. I love that name because it's true. It's like we have when we can show up in that way that it really does bringour radiance online and just our life force energy and all that good juicy stuff that we want. Like, we want to be our best self in the world, and it doesn't always have to look like doing and striving.

Allison Jayne [00:40:51]:

Right. Right. And when you show up in that highest goddess vibe, not only are you do see it confident and magnetic in that way, But you're also boundaried, Right? But you're also you're when you feel like a true goddess who truly deserves the best treatment, you are not gonna put up with a guy who's treating you anything less than that, and you're not gonna have any fear of never finding another one because you're gonna just know I know I deserve this, and I am a goddess, and I can't. And I can just draw in another guy next week if you're not going to step up and be who I deserve. And that in and of itself is an idea that I think blows the minds of a lot of women, and it's hard, and it's scary to have that kind of faith that, okay, if I let this guy go who's not prioritizing me or who's hot and cold or whatever, that another one will come along. And so that's a perfect thing to tap on. It's even though I'm afraid that if I let this guy go, I'll never find another guy, I accept that I have this fear. That's a perfect one right there that'll keep you in that high goddess. Alright? I I know what I deserve, and I'm gonna wait. Like -- Mhmm. -- like a a queen would wait for the right, you know, the right treatment to come along for her.

Amanda Testa [00:42:06]:

I think that's true. I think a lot of times when people are looking for a new relationship, you know, they don't wanna repeat the same things they've had in the past, and they are, like, done. with putting up with different things. And so it's important, I think, to sometimes get help from a professional so that you can move forward, making sure you're not carrying around that past baggage and things so that you are able to truly, connect with who you want in the way you want. Right? So thank you so much for all this goodness. I'd love if you wouldn't mind, you know, sharing more about where everyone can connect with you and find your book and all of that good stuff.

Allison Jayne [00:42:38]:

Yeah. Yes. Thank you. So my website is learntodatelikeagoddess.com, and I actually have a special offer for any of your listeners can go to my website right now and download a free e copy of my book and start to explore every chapter has a tapping script in it to help you start to clear away some of these blocks. So that's a great opportunity for everyone listening, and You can also find me on instagram at @allisonjaynegoddessmaker

Amanda Testa [00:43:13]:

Beautiful. And I'll make sure as well to put all this in the show notes so everyone can hit that goodness as well as I'm wondering, you know, if there are maybe as any word you'd like to share if there's anything that a question that I you know, that you wish I would have asked.

Allison Jayne [00:43:30]:

that's a good question. I think that the big message that I do try to convey to women at midlife is don't let fear lead you down a path in any way, shape, or form when it comes to relationships. I do think that when you're dating in your forties, 50,60s, it can feel like there's some clock ticking, like you're running out of time, and it can kind of cloud your judgment or lead you into paths of either maybe picking the wrong person or or just not dating at all and just throwing in the towel. And, you know, my friend says there's a lid for every pot. First of all, we truly believe that. And, also, just it's it's you don't need to meet a 1000, guys, you're just looking for your one guy or your one partner. And so just do the work on yourself. Keep your heart as open as possible, which is clearing out all the blocks to that, and you will draw in the person for you, the ideal right fit person for you.

Amanda Testa [00:44:43]:

Well, thank you so much again, Allison. It's been such a pleasure to have you, and thank you all for listening. Again, you'll find all those resources in the show notes. So we will look forward to seeing you next week. Thank you for being here. Yes.