The Art Of Flirting with Amanda Testa

EPISODE 208: Art of Flirtation

[Fun, Empowering Music]

Amanda Testa: Hello, and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. I am your host, Amanda Testa. I am a sex, love, and relationship coach, and in this podcast, my guests and I talk sex, love, and relationships, and everything that lights you up from the inside out. Welcome!

Would you like to master the art of flirtation in your relationship? If you’re looking to keep the playful spark alive and well, this skill is a must. This week on the pod I’m going to show you why flirting can be so fun and how to get better at it starting today. This is Amanda Testa, your host, and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast.

So I love flirting. I think it is such a fun way to stay connected, and I will just brag on my amazing husband for a moment because he is a master woo-er, and I always joke about when we first got together because when we were dating, he did the most romantic things. Number one, he was up front and honest which was quite refreshing, and he didn't play games, he was really up front about his story and what he wanted. 

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I really appreciated that. Number two, he sent me love letters in the mail, right? Such a beautiful thing. He also, one time, came over with a card and gave me a foot massage and left. This is the beauty of flirting. It’s giving without intention of receiving something in return. He was intentional with what he wanted and shared it with me and inspired me to do the same and, really, thus an epic flirtation began that we still continue to this day. And so, so many people ask how do we keep the flirting alive, and how do you do it, and what if you're not a flirter, what if it feels hard for you? What if your partner doesn't flirt in a way you want them to, what can you do? And so, I’m gonna share a little bit about that today.

Number one about flirtation is it really keeps the energy in your relationship alive and flowing. Like anything, it needs nourishment to thrive, right -- your relationship. Specifically, in this podcast, I’m gonna talk more to flirting in relationship versus, like, when you meet someone, but you can use these skills in any situation, really, because flirting can just be a fun way to be in your own energy  and share that with others, right? 

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It doesn't always have to be with a goal in mind, and I love how Mama Gena says in her book The School of Womanly Arts -- she says: 

“Flirtation is nothing more or less than enthusiastic self-love and experiencing it in every fiber of your being and allowing that love to overflow to others. The gift of flirting leaves the giver refreshed and the receiver enhanced. It is not currency; it is something that is done for the sheer pleasure of it, not necessarily with any goal in mind.”

I love that, and I think it’s so true, and if you are flirting, will you sometimes get things that you want, yes, and will you have fun, yes, but it’s done just for the pure joy of doing it, for the pure joy of sharing your love with others, and loving yourself is a big part of it too. 

So I want to share a few keys around flirtation. There’s so much science done on this, and so, I also like to just bring in really understanding who you’re with or who this person is. 

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If you're in a long-term relationship, you know what the person that you’re with probably likes and doesn't like, so always keeping that in mind. 

And so, when you are going to flirt, you want to pay attention to the other person with your whole body, right? You can start by being in your own body, and sometimes this takes practice, right? Focusing on what you love about yourself, focusing on what feels good in you, focusing on the playfulness that you might feel or maybe any excitement or turn on, or maybe focusing on the goodness of your own body or just the warmth in your heart, right? Even taking some breaths into your heart, right? Even taking some breaths into your heart before you connect with someone can just bring in more openness. 

So when you pay attention to that person with your whole body, you can be aware of their energy, of their state, and what’s going on for them, right? You can feel if your body wants to lean in. I think leaning in is such a beautiful way to flirt just by bringing your body closer to that person and notice are they leaning in or are they pulling away and really honoring what you're sensing from the other person. Do you feel a call to lean in more, and are they responding? 

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If not, honoring the cues, right? Really being aware of your partner’s cues when they are inviting you in or when they are like maybe now’s not a good time, and you can try again later because we’re always busy during the day, and sometimes someone might not want to flirt, and sometimes they do, and so, that’s important to tune into. When you are paying attention to the other person with your entire body, you can feel into that. You can feel into their openness, or are they, you know, writing an email or something and they’re busy in this moment and you can come back later, right?

Another thing, when you are paying attention to someone with your whole body, is you can subtly mirror what they’re doing. There’s a lot of studies on this, on mirroring. You don't want to copy exactly what the person is doing but just maybe mirroring their body position. Mirroring their body movements in a subtle way can actually bridge connection. This actually can work in a lot of situations. Not just in relationships, but, you know, anyone you’re trying to connect with. Maybe if you do a little mirroring you can find a connection.

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Also, when you are paying attention to someone with your whole body, then you can notice maybe when might be a good time to touch. I think showing affection through touching can be so beautiful, right? It’s, again, touching without expectation, touching to give the touch, touching to show affection without expecting anything in return, and if you get it, great, and if you don’t great, right? 

You're not touching to get something; you’re touching to give affection and to play and to be flirtatious, right? So maybe you touch their low back or maybe you give them a hug or a kiss, maybe a passionate kiss. Sometimes kissing without expectation can be super hot and fun, right? Press your hands on their body. Hug, and when you hug, really let your bodies press together, not just one of those pat-on-the-back hugs but a hug where you’re touching each other’s bodies, right? A

Also noticing when you are with someone for a while how they like to be touched, and make sure you're touching them in the way they want to be touched, right? Not necessarily how you want to touch them, but how they want to be touched. Maybe you are so called to grab their butt but they don’t like that? Maybe you can touch their low back. Maybe they love when you touch their ass, and that’s great, and you can just grab with abandon, but knowing what kind of touch your partner enjoys can be so powerful, and if you don't know, guess what? You can ask. 

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You can even just say, “You know what I’m missing is more touch, and I just would love to know how would you love for me to touch you?” That can be a great conversation starter, right? Would it be okay if when you're working at your desk, if I can come behind you and massage your shoulders or whatever it is, but ask if you don't know.

The other thing about paying attention to the other person with your whole body is, then, you can also make eye contact with that person, right? Looking in their eyes, that is such an underrated connection tool, and I know people can laugh and turn their nose up at it and think it can feel corny, but sometimes just giving someone your presence and your eye contact is a beautiful thing. Whether it’s your partner, whether it’s your kids, whether it’s your dog, right, your pet, sometimes just that eye contact can be a beautiful thing that we don’t get enough of because, in this day and age, we’re so often on our screens and on our phones and busy, that just taking that time to really look at someone means a lot, and it’s important. So I think that those are some keys around paying attention to the other person with your whole body.

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Some other ways that are really key for flirtation, I think, are actively listening to the person that you’re talking to or your partner, right? Actively listen to what they're saying, and remember the small details that they share with you so that you can bring them up later. 

Show them that you care about them by paying attention to what they’re telling you. Even if it’s something so boring to you, to them it may be so important. For example, my daughter loves some silly show that I could care less about, but for her, she loves to talk about it, and so, I am going to remember the small details of the people and the show that she shares with me so I can bring it up later. Then she feels heard and she feels seen, right? Just think about when you share something with your partner when they ask about it later. How good does that make you feel, right? So remembering to listen to what your person or what the person that you’re with is saying, and you can bring those details up later just to show that you're listening. Again, listening is a big key, and we can talk about this for days, but I’m just gonna touch briefly on that right now.

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The other thing is being silly and having fun together, right? Make them laugh. Maybe there are certain inside jokes that you share. Maybe there’s a funny thing that you experienced once that you want to talk about again. Maybe you just want to be silly together, right? We, often, are so serious that we forget the playfulness. 

What could you do to add in more silliness and play to what you're doing? Maybe it is adding in some silly sexual inuendos to what you're doing, right? Just having more fun and being silly. Making them laugh can be just such a fun way, ‘cause when you laugh together, too, you're also releasing stress, you're releasing energy, and it can be so connecting. I know there’s nothing better than when my husband and I have one of those moments where we just laugh so hard that we can't stop, and we laugh and laugh and laugh. [Giggles] Sometimes we have stories that we go back to, and we’re like, “Oh, my gosh, remember that time…?” And it still makes us just cry with laughter, and that is such a fun way to connect.

Another great way to flirt is with compliments. Now, not using some corny line or something inauthentic, but an authentic compliment can be such a great way to flirt, and some keys around this would be how can you let your person know that you desire them, right? 

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Sharing how attractive they are to you. Sharing what you love about them, what turns you on about them, what you appreciate about them, and making it a daily thing. How can you, daily, share what you love about your partner. 

How can you let them know every day that you desire them and that you want them and you're happy to be with them? Especially in long-term relationships, it can get kind of stagnant. You can just take each other for granted, and, really, we have no clue what’s around the corner so it is so important to be loving and share that with the person that you're with, and how good does it feel when your partner lets you know that they desire you, that you are desired, that you're wanted? That feels so good, and so, it’s awesome to offer that to the person, right? 

Mention some aspect of their personality that you love, and also compliment them in front of others when you have the opportunity. This is great to do for kids too. They love to be praised -- having you brag about them in public, right? Maybe it’s something that -- you know, again, for your partner, when you have the opportunity to compliment them in front of others and really share your appreciation for them.

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You can do this in so many different ways, right? Maybe it’s writing love notes. Maybe it’s sending sexy texts. Maybe if you know your partner loves getting flowers, you don’t have to go and spend $75, but you could. You could get extremely extravagant, or you could just go and pick up a $5 bouquet at the grocery store, right? If you know your partner loves something, how can you maybe bring that into it, right? Sending them small tokens, letting them know that you are thinking of them. That’s basically the key, right? When you are feeling loving and you want them to know, right, how can you let them know that you are thinking of them? Maybe you’re out and about and you see something that reminds you of them, and you snap a picture of it, and you send it to them, right? Letting them know that you are thinking of them in ways that you enjoy and in ways that you think they might enjoy. I think sometimes people, often -- well, what do I say if I wrote a love letter? What do I say if I write a love note? I think you can just let your imagination have fun with it, you know? Share what you appreciate about them. Share something that you’re grateful for, you know? 

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I think this is a beautiful thing that has been passed on in my family. I guess I can thank my grandfather because he was so loving to my grandmother. He was always writing her love notes. He was always drawing pictures, writing love notes, sticking them in her books, sticking them around the house, sticking them in drawers, and I just thought that was the sweetest thing, right? Then my mom and dad always used to leave notes for one another, and my husband and I do that too. Even now -- I love it -- my mom will come to visit, and she’ll write little notes and leave them around the house, and I’ll find them in random places, and it’s the best to just get a little love note. 

And so, how could you be playful in that realm? What if you just have a little post-it pad, right, and just write down 25 post-its, maybe one little thing you appreciate about them, right? Like, I love your blue eyes or I love the shape of your ass or I love when you make me laugh or I love the top of your lip or I love the way you parent or I love how you're so fun when you play with the dog or whatever it is, right? Just writing down and hiding them around. 

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Hide them in their shoes. Hide them in their pockets. Hide them in a jacket. Hide them in a book. Hide them around in drawers. It can be just a fun way to play and to, again, let the person know that you are thinking about them and that you appreciate them and that you love them. It never gets old, and I know sometimes people might be listening and be like ah, this is so corny or this is so cheesy, but, you know what, like everything, you have to nourish it and love it like a plant. Your relationship, too, needs the same things. Like anything that you want to nourish and thrive, you have to give it attention and love and all of those things.

So I love sending those little reminders in whatever way feels good, and you know, if you really want to get crazy, you can go to the store and buy a ton of cards. You can get on Amazon, order a package of cards, and just write notes. Have a package of cards that you can use if you want to write a love note. You can even drop it in the mailbox at the post office if you want them to get it in the mail which is super fun ‘cause sometimes my husband still does that, and I love it so much. I’m like ooh, I got a special letter! Ah, it’s so fun, and the other fun thing about love notes, which I think is great, is if you're with someone who is nostalgic or likes to hold onto things, you can reread them again and again which is so beautiful. 

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I’m that type of person, right? I love to look at old pictures, and I love to look at old love notes, and that’s just who I am, and so, my husband knows that about me and likes to see me in the box of love letters reading them. I’m like, “Oh, remember when you sent this to me?” or, “Remember when I sent this to you? Oh, we used to be so --,” and then it can remind us, right? Sometimes, like everybody, we can get in a habit, and I’ll be like, you know what, one thing my husband told me when we got married is if you want more love, give more love, and sometimes if we’re in a rut or something like that I’ll be like you know what, I need to write a love note, and it does. It gets the pattern going again. We will have cycles in a relationship, right? Sometimes we’re gonna be way more playful and flirtatious, and other times we’re gonna be just surviving, and other times we’re gonna be in, maybe, a winter, and other times we’re gonna be super hot and horny for one another, and it’s just the way it is. And so, kind of honoring where you are but keeping the connection alive can be done through flirtation.

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Some other things that I think are really powerful to note here is you tune into yourself and your own connection with yourself -- how can you tune in deeper to saying yes to what excites you, saying yes to what feels good to you. Can you take time to realize that you are important, that your needs matter, and what is it that you need, what is it that you want, and giving that to yourself, and asking that for yourself.

So maybe if you want more flirtation and your partner isn't willing or doesn't know how, you can just start the conversation. You can even say, “Hey, check out this podcast. Can we listen to it together and talk about it afterwards?” Or you can just say, “Here are some things that I think would be super fun,” and I love this jar exercise. I think I learned this from Michaela Boehm. Can’t recall but, basically, each get a piece of paper and write down things that you would love for your partner to do for you, right? It can be the most mundane thing. It can be the most extravagant thing. Really, you're just letting your imagination have fun, and you're gonna write these things down on a piece of paper with enough room in between each line that you can cut it out, and then what you're gonna do is you're gonna cut out all those things that you desire from your partner, and you’ll put them in a jar, and then you can give that to your partner and say, “Look, if you're ever thinking of something that you wanna do for me, here are some things you can choose.”

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I remember I used to do this for my husband back in the day. I made a folder of all the things I wanted him to give me. Like, “If you're ever thinking of something you wanna give me, here you go,” because we’re not mind-readers, right? Some people think, “Well, I just want them to know what I want. I just want them to just know and sense it,” and guess what, people don't. That is putting way too much pressure on your partner and yourself that you're gonna mentally telepathy information to them. Yes, sometimes people are very intuitive, and sometimes they're not, and that’s okay, but you can ask for what you want. And so, this can be like a fun little game, that way your partner can go through those lists. Maybe they're not capable of doing all the things, and that’s okay because we also want to honor people’s limits, honor what people are capable of, but then there can be some ideas, right? If you have put a list of 25, 35 things in a jar for your partner, then they can say, “All right, well, what are some of these things that do feel doable?” It can just get their brain and their wheels turning too because they might have other ideas that they want to -- it can just be like flexing the muscle, right? 

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We often have atrophied muscles in this department, especially if we’re in long-term relationships, and so, how can you flex the muscle in ways that feel doable as it gets stronger and stronger, and then it will be functioning just like new. And so, it can be super fun to do that. And so, by saying yes to what excites you, you can remember that, right, and share that with your partner.

Okay, I had a couple other things that I wanted to mention. Doing something helpful for the other person can also be a flirtatious act, right? So maybe you’ve been really busy or your partner’s been really busy and you notice maybe things are out of control in certain areas of the house or maybe there’s something that your partner is noticing that they complain about a lot. Maybe you can help them out in that area, right? Maybe help unload the dishes more. Maybe help offer more parenting time so your partner can have a break, right? These are very important things to do for one another, and also asking for what you need. Again, such a skill to work on is being able to ask for what you need and really state the why behind it so that your partner can get on board, right, because sharing the household responsibilities is a big thing, and sometimes going over and beyond is so appreciated, right? 

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So that can be like acts of service, if you're familiar with the love languages. You kind of want to know what your partners’ are in a way, and I have mixed emotions about that body of work, but the key is, if you can understand what your partner likes, how they enjoy receiving love, then you can give love to them in those ways. So sometimes acts of service can be very flirtatious and fun. As long as you're enjoying it, right? Again, it’s coming from your own joy and fun. Also being spontaneous can be fun, right? We can also get stuck in ruts. What’s something new you can do together?

A couple years ago, my husband and I did an improv class together, and it was so fun. It was kind of a random idea, but we both thought it would be fun, and it was really empowering in so many ways because there’s a lot of good relationship-building skills in improv because it is all about trusting your partner and not talking over them but working with whatever they’ve given you, right? “Yes, and” versus “no, but.” It’s like yes, and how can we support one another, how can we build on what this other person’s doing, how can we be there for one another in whatever way? 

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So, I will say, improv can be a really fun thing to do for your relationship. That can be a spontaneous thing that you might want to do and surprise each other. The thing is, when you're gonna surprise each other, try to keep in mind what your partner’s into because if they're not into the thing that you’re surprising them with, that’s really not as thoughtful as you might think it might be, right? We really have to be selfless sometimes in our relationships. Again, this is coming from a place of getting to have fun and having the pleasure around sharing your love, right?

Another thing is presence. I think presence is so underrated. Presence is what so many desire. So many times I hear this from clients, especially clients who identify as women, around wanting presence from their partner. Yes, we get busy. Yes, work’s important. Yes, providing is important, but presence is so, so important, and everyday presence. Not just Friday night we have a date, I’m gonna give you presence then and then I’m gonna be busy. No, it’s presence in the day. I love how Stan Tatkin talks about launchings and landings. Finding some way of connection in the morning, finding some way of connection when you come back together at the end of the day -- or if you leave for work and come back. These launchings and landings are so key, and finding ways to connect in little ways throughout your day. 

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So presence, turning off your phones and truly being present with one another can be so key. The other thing is date nights, right? It can be easy to put those on the back burner or to say, “Oh, date night’s gonna be Netflix and a movie and some popcorn or whatever,” which is fine, right? 

But on occasion, getting dressed up for one another can be super fun and flirty and hot, right? How much do you love to see your partner all dapper and looking good? I love it, and I know when I put in a little effort, it goes a long way, right? I can't tell men enough -- or anyone, really -- when you're going to bed or anytime you think you want to be intimate, brush your teeth. These little things like how can I show my partner that I care by taking care of my own body, taking care of my own self. Maybe I haven’t showered in four days. Maybe they love that, right? Some people do, and I know sometimes being unshaven and unbathed is super hot, and sometimes partners like cleanliness. I mean, it really is knowing what your partner wants and how can you turn them on by giving that to them, right? 

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How can you turn yourself on by turning your partner on? Ooh, that’s fun to think about, right? How can I turn myself on by turning my partner on ‘cause I know they love this, and it makes me super turned on when they're turned on. So I’m gonna just put in a little effort, and it really goes a long way. So not forgetting to do that for one another. It can be so easy to get in our ruts, and so, having fun and finding ways to flirt, again, you can practice this, right? You can practice this starting today, you know? Maybe I’m curious, out of all the things that I shared today if there were one or two that really struck a chord. They're like, “Mm, yeah, I definitely think I can do this, “ right? Maybe even just playing with your own energy like how can I really be in my own energy, feeling really good in myself and sharing that love with others? Even if it’s just smiling at someone.

The other day, I was out to breakfast, and I was just feeling so good, and I was smiley, and I remember smiling at this lady in line for the bathroom. I was sitting at the table, and she came over, and she was like, “That is just the best smile. Thank you for that. So often, people just don't give you any attention or are just busy on their phones. That was just such a genuine smile, and that felt so good to receive,” right? 

0:21:07

That felt good for me to give it, it felt good for her to receive it, and that lightened both of our days, right? Ah, it’s so good, and so, I’ll invite you to play with flirting, and what parts of it feel challenging to you, maybe? What parts feel easy? For the parts that feel challenging, how can you be with those, and what might you need to move through that, right? Sometimes being curious like, well, I notice when I go to flirt I feel like this ugh in my chest and maybe it’s that I never saw any flirting in my house coming along or I thought that women aren’t supposed to flirt, and that has to come from the man or whatever silly stories the conditioning of our culture has sent your way, you can unravel that and be like huh, that’s interesting. That might be why. I never saw a lot of touch in my family of origin, or I never experienced much flirting, you know? I’m kind of a serious person so maybe it’ll be hard for me to be a little more playful, but we all have it in us, right? We all have that ability, and it is such a fun way to play in your relationship. I really can't speak enough to keeping that playfulness alive and knowing yes, you’ll have cycles, but when they're good, let that run. Let it run! Have as much fun as you can.

0:22:10

So practice your flirting, and I’d love to hear how it goes for you. Please let me know. You know, really practice, right? Maybe you want to pick a totally safe circumstance to start, right? Maybe thinking of, throughout your day, how can you be more in yourself and share that essence with others in a way that turns you on, okay? [Laughs] I am so happy to have you all here listening. Thank you so much for supporting the podcast. I truly, truly can’t thank you enough, and I will look forward to seeing you next week!

[Fun, Empowering Music]

Amanda Testa: Thank you so much for listening to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. This is your host, Amanda Testa, and if you have felt a calling while listening to this podcast to take this work to a deeper level, this is your golden invitation. I invite you to reach out. You can contact me at amandatesta.com/activate, and we can have a heart-to-heart to discuss more about how this work can transform your life. 

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[Fun, Empowering Music]