Creating A Ritual Recap For Your Relationships

January 3, 2024

Creating a Ritual Recap + intentions for your RelationshipWith Amanda Testa

What does your relationship need to flourish in 2024?

This episode is a must-listen if you’re looking to deepen your understanding of yourself and your relationships. Creating an intentional ritual around reflecting on your relationship is about cultivating a practice of mindful reflection and intentional living. Whether you’re seeking to improve your relationship with yourself, your partner, or your community, this episode offers valuable insights and practical tools to help you on your journey.

Listen in to discover:

✨How to set up a ritual space, and some suggestions for year end rituals.

✨What it means to “Groundscape” in your life, and how to reflect through this lens.

✨How to cultivate wisdom and power in the face of traumas and challenges.

✨Get the prompts I personally use to create a relationship vision,

And much more!

👉Download your 2023 Year in Review Journal HERE.

Join the Planting Your Seeds of Desire Workshop for FREE! RSVP HERE.

(Complete transcript below)

Listen in here on Spotify, or Apple Podcasts

JOIN IN THE DISCUSSION ON THIS EPISODE AND MORE IN MY FREE FACEBOOK GROUP, FIND YOUR FEMININE FIRE HERE.

👉Download your 2023 Year in Review Journal HERE.

Join the Planting Your Seeds of Desire Workshop for FREE! RSVP HERE.

Want more support from Amanda? Schedule a confidential 1-1 call with Amanda⁠ here.

In this 45 min call, we’re going to identify your #1 block to pleasure, why it’s showing up in the way it is, and what to do to turn it around. ⁠⁠After doing this work for almost a decade, I can quickly identify the patterns holding you back, and show you the steps to change it. ⁠⁠Permission to reach out even if it feels scary. Permission to reach out even if you aren’t even sure you want to do this work. Permission to reach out to explore if this is right for you, no strings or pushy sales tactics here.⁠

If you liked this episode, please consider giving me a 5 Star Review on Apple Podcasts! It truly does help the podcast grow.

Have a topic or question you’d like Amanda to address on a future episode? Submit it on this anonymous form.

If you want to dive deeper into the Seeds of Desire ritual, I’m hosting a live workshop where we’re going to be doing just this, and I’ll put the link to that on that webpage, amanda testa.com/yearinreview And you can join for the Sowing Your Seeds of Desire Ritual on January 13th, 2024, 10:00 AM to noon mountain time, and that is going to be another powerful ritual.We’re going to really set the sacred space. There’s a whole beautiful ritual that I’m going to walk you through on planting your seeds of desire. And it’s so good.

There’s so many lessons we can glean as we reflect on our experiences. So one of the ways I like to do my year-end review is first of all, take a look, gather the things I might want to look through. I gather my calendar, I get my journal and I get my phone. I love to look through my photos. Photos are such a great way to kind of reflect and I know it can be easy. My husband and I laugh. He feels like we always are just on a treadmill. Sometimes it can feel so busy, but when we pause and look back at the year and we were looking at all the things that we did and all the experiences that we actually enjoyed together as a family and all the one-on-one time, we actually made for each other. It was huge to pause and reflect on that, taking all the things that you need and creating a little sacred environment for yourself. So maybe that looks like just(02:58):Cleaning your desk or wherever you’re going to sit, cleaning off the table so you can have a quiet space. Maybe that looks like lighting a candle, maybe that looks like playing some music. Maybe that looks like putting on something that makes you feel beautiful. Maybe that looks like rifting, some essential oils, but just something to create this environment that tells your brain, okay, something special is happening here so I better pay attention. So when you start this ritual review, I love creating that sacred space first and foremost. And once you have your space set up, then I like to do it kind of like by month. So if it feels like overwhelming, then you can break it out into a couple of days. You don’t have to do it all at once. You get to choose how this goes. But typically I like to break it down by month.(03:43):So I look through my calendar, what did I do? What were the important meetings? What were the important milestones? Did we have a trip? Did we have something exciting that happened with our kid or something like that. So I look back through in my journal, I sometimes peek through that too. Granted, that can feel a little overwhelming to me. So I often just look at my calendar and then just see what you want to celebrate about that month. Maybe look at a challenge that might’ve coming up and reflect on that. What did you learn from that? The key with life is there’s always going to be the shit that’s hitting the fans somewhere, somewhere. It’s hard, it’s challenging. That’s just life. And we’re going to have hard times. We’re going to have those times where the unexpected happens or where it’s challenging. And what we can do is just kind of look back and maybe you’re in a time like that right now and just kind of honor where you are.(04:34):Just honor the season you’re in. And sometimes that can just be all you can do. Just acknowledge, wow, this is a challenging time and I know I’ll get through it. Or maybe this is a challenging time and I need to find some more support. Or maybe we had a really challenging time when this happened, but here’s what we did. We called friends for support. We got together as a family and talked about solutions. We sought help from a coach or a therapist. We did the things that we needed and we moved past it. And then you can kind of see, okay, well that was a challenge and we moved past it. Let’s celebrate what we did. That worked right. That’s kind of how I like to do that. And if there was a celebration that was really, if there’s a celebration of something great that happened that month, I like to look at that too and say, wow, how wonderful was it that we got to go away for the weekend and that we got really connect with one another?(05:23):And how funny it was when we had this inside joke that happened in the car. You can just kind of put yourself back into a moment that felt really good. What about it felt good? What about it made you smile? What was the environment? What was the temperature? What did you notice on your skin? What were you smelling? What were you tasting? What were you hearing? And put yourself back into those pleasant moments because our brain doesn’t really know the difference between it happening in the past or it happening right now. And then you can have that experience again. So it’s such a great way to retrain your brain to focus on what wentAmanda Testa (05:56):Well, what you accomplished, and what you learned, what you’re proud of. And I think the other thing that I like to call in when I’m doing this, there’s an archetype that if you’ve been listening to the podcast, you may have heard me talk about this archetype before, but it’s called the groundskeeper archetype. And this is if you think about a groundskeeper, the groundskeeper is going around, it’s weeding, it’s watering, it’s moving things into the sun or away from the sun. It’s really connecting to what does this environment need and how can I support this? And I like to bring in the groundskeeper archetype when we’re looking at our year in review as well, because we can say to ourselves, okay, what did I do that worked well? What were the rituals? What were the routines? What were the things that we did that worked well?(06:48):And what maybe didn’t work so well so that you can look forward into this next year saying, all right, it really worked well when we did the rose stem and thorn at dinnertime, right? That’s a game we learned from my daughter’s kindergarten teacher, which is so great. You might’ve heard a version of this, but you talk about your rose is something good that happened that day. The stem is something you learned and the thorn, that’s something that was hard, but we discovered when we do that, it’s really fun to do at dinner, and my daughter loves that. But that could be just a little example of a ritual that you might do. Okay, that was a ritual that worked really well for us. We want to move that into the next year.(07:25):And then I might think about some rhythms that might not have worked so well. Okay, well, we had a new school and so we were transitioning to a whole new time of day of getting out the door, and there was a lot of chaos around trying to get everything done in time. And so what I realized wasn’t working was me trying to work out, take a shower, do everything I need to do right before I drop my daughter off when we only have a very short amount of time now that we are in a new school and new time. And so I just had to repo some things. I had to re-pot some things. So instead I’m like, all right, what’s going to work in the morning is me spending time with my kiddo, helping her get ready, making her breakfast, helping her do her lunch, and having that connection.(08:07):And then after that, after I drop her off, I can do a quick workout when I get back or I can make sure to work out at lunch, or I had to move that to a different type of the day, and I had a lot of feelings about that. So I had to work through all that came up and realize what is most important to me in this moment? What is the most important thing for me? This connection, that’s always my number one goal connection. And so looking at, okay, what is going to yield the most connection during this part of the day? It’s spending time with my kid, helping her. And so when I surrendered to that, it’s made the mornings so much better. So that’s something I realized I had to shift, and now that I have things are so much better. So maybe you could look at something like that in your life. Maybe there’s a time of the day that feels challenging or a certain routineAmanda Testa (08:54):Or a transition that’s hard that you could look at, what could I do differently here? Does this need to happen at a different time of the day? How could I maybe ask for help in this or what needs to change to make it more doable? So that’s what you’re doing. You’re weeding what needs to be weeding, keeping doing, watering, what needs to be continued and repotting or moving around things that need to shift. So this is kind of what you can do as you look through your months and bring those into the next year. That’s what I love about this groundskeeper. The other thing I love about the groundskeeper is there’s a mantra around this that I really love and it’s called I am fertile ground. I’m fertile ground. I tend to, all of me, I move things where they need to be. I weed and water accordingly.(09:40):And I think that’s the big thing here. That’s what we’re doing. We are taking care of what needs to be taken care of. We’re reviewing what’s working. So this is kind of what I do. I do that for each month, check out my calendar, check out my pictures, note what went well, kind of note on the challenges and how we overcame them or what I might need support around to move forward and keep going month by month. And at the end, I love to do a year in review photo album because I think that can be really fun. And then I share it with my family. We make a whole fun event out of it. We make popcorn and I show it on the big screen, not the tv, and I’m such a dork, but I love that because it helps us all remember through our trials and tribulations, through the fights and the tears.(10:22):We have a lot of love and we have a lot of fun and we have a lot of connection, and it’s great to see that. And I often intentionally use my camera. I don’t post a lot of my life on social media, but I take pictures a lot because I like to just remember that I’ve done things because hey, I’m also getting older and my memory is not quite what it once was, but if my husband and I sneak time together, I like to take a picture of that. Or if I have a sweet moment with my daughter, I like to take a picture of something that reminds me of that moment. So that’s kind of what I like about it. And I think the other beautiful thing is when we review, I like to also think about my relationships, my relationship to myself, my relationship to my sexuality, to my sensual self, how that relates to my husband, what our relationship, what are the things that we did that nourished us?(11:11):Because when we can go back in and review what made these situations enjoyable, the more we can intentionally create those environments to bring that in the future. What worked well with our family, with our relationship, with our sex life and what worked well is a great first starting point because you want to focus on the good, and then also you can look at what was hard, what was challenging, what needs to shift. Again, using that, the groundskeeper archetype through all these different, you can kind of view that lens of the groundskeeper as you check out every aspect of your life, what might need to shift, what didn’t work and why. And remember that everything that happened this year, everything that happens brings you into your own power and wisdom more deeply. Everything can be an opportunity for your growth, and maybe it’s looking at the world and thinking, this is a shit show and I don’t like what I’m seeing. So what can you do to make things different? Maybe it’s becoming more active about causes you care about. Maybe it’s speaking out more. Maybe it’s having hard conversations with people. Maybe it’s signing up for groups where they are taking collective action on the things that you’re passionate about. We have to look at what we can do because it can be really easy to bury your head in the sand, but that’s not going to get our world to be where we want it to be. Right?(12:33):After you’ve gone through your year and you’ve kind of created your list, what went well, what we didn’t like, what you want to move forward with, I like to do a little ritual around letting go. What do you want to leave behind? And I like to, I really love burning things. This is not for everyone. So make sure that you are very careful in however you do this, but there’s easy ways you can do this, right? You can make it as simple as or as complex as you want, but I often just like to take a paper and write down, okay, here are the things that I’m no longer available for in 2024 and write those down. Here are the experiences I don’t want to have. Here’s all I’m letting go of. I’m letting go of the way I acted when I was tired and rude.(13:15):I’m letting go of not taking a deep breath before when I feel myself getting really triggered, whatever it might be. I’m letting go of petty arguments that mean nothing. Whatever it can be. You think of this, what are the things that you want to let go and write them down and you can maybe create a little funeral for these things. So gathering all your emotions around it. Give yourself an opportunity to grieve and release and perhaps bury that paper in your backyard or bury it in a place that you enjoy going or perhaps burning it in a fire safe bowl or in the toilet somewhere safe. But as you let that go, then taking time afterwards to just sit with that. Let it move through. Maybe you want to dance, maybe you want to shake, maybe you want to have some kind of symbolic letting go release, and then you’re going to shift gears.(14:03):So maybe I do a little quick cleanse of my space and bring in a new piece of paper, and then I take some time to write down what I do want. What are the emotions I want to feel the next year? What are the experiences that I do want? What do I want to see and what are the collective things that need to be changed so those things can happen. I love feeling into that. What is the vision I want to see? What do I want to have? What do I want my relationship with my partner to be like? What do I want my relationship with my kids to be like? Now we’ve cleared space. We’re going to bring in what we want into that space. Another idea around releasing that you can always do that’s super simple is taking a shower, right? Doing a real intentional shower around, rinsing away all that.(14:50):You’re ready to let go. Asking the spirit of the water to cleanse you. Or you can do it in a bath. You can do it in a walk. You can take a walk around the block saying out loud all the things you’re leaving behind as you’re walking. Oftentimes when I’m doing a release walk, I’ll just like literally people walking by, I probably think I’m crazy, but my neighbors, they think a lot of the crazy rituals I do. But anyways, walking down the street and really just taking your hands and throwing off things that you’re leaving behind. There’s so many easy ways that you can do that. It can be really simple or it could just be like, you know what? I’m no longer available for this deep breath moving forward. But again, after you release, you want to make space to call on what you do want.(15:30):What do you want to fill that space with and have fun with this? Have fun with this part. I think this is when we get to shift into planting our seeds of desire, which is a really fun process. Just for right now, I’m going to invite you just take a pause, maybe take a nice breath. That’s a lot. And this type of ritual, I really do think it’s important to make the time for, honestly, you don’t need that much time, but if you can give yourself a couple of hours, it’s great because we don’t give ourself that enough. We don’t give ourself the time to celebrate ourselves and to look back and reflect, and we learn so much when we take the time to do that. We really do. Because again, pausing, giving yourself time to be in your own energy and your own brain, like looking at your own situation, that’s how you can make change. When you are acknowledging what is letting go of what you don’t want anymore, then there’s an opportunity to bring in new things, to bring in new visions, to bring in what you want.(16:27):I love this quote by Diane Ackerman. You’ve probably seen it, but I’ll share it again.” I don’t want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well.” I love that. And for me, that means truly enjoying all of the aspects of being in this divine physical form and this human body reveling in all the different emotions, allowing ourselves to fully inhabit all of ourselves, letting our life force energy really expand to our edges. That’s what we’re meant to be fully alive, and it’s not easy in this world. So we really have to make space for that and pursue pleasure, pursue what lights us up, tune into what we are wanting to do and trying to make space for more of that. And that’s why I’m such a big advocate for pleasure, because pleasure and pain are actively actually originate from the same place in the brain, the nucleus accumbens, and knowing that you can train your brain to move towards pleasure more often than not.(17:30):And I really like working with the tool of pleasure as medicine because it really is. It can shift our entire physical state. It can shift our emotional state. It can shift our relational state, everything, because when we have this stable base of support in our nervous system, which I’ve talked about a lot in this podcast, the more we can handle the waves and challenges that come across our way. I’m going to share with you a little bit more about seeding your desires for 2024, and I’m going to share a couple of prompts that I would like for you to think about as you move into this next year. And specifically, you can look at this through any aspect of your life, but I specifically want to bring in some things to think about for your relationship, right? Because I feel like when we are doing these visionings, oftentimes we do think about our relationship.(18:24):It can be really important to kind really take some time to focus on that. We really want to align our expectations and our values and our future goals with our partners. And if you don’t have a partner, this is a great time to feel into what that might look like for you, or what is the relationship with yourself that you want to cultivate. Maybe it’s like, you know what, I’m going through a time of transition and I don’t want to have those same patterns in my past relationship as I do in my new relationship. Maybe it’s I’m done having shame around my body and I’m ready to embrace it as it is and find ways to find more pleasure in my body as it is today. I am done feeling shut down or on my sexuality. I really want to enjoy sex. I want to feel good in my body.(19:07):I want to want to connect with my partner. I want to feel that deep pleasure and joy again. These are the times where you get to think about that. One of the things I see so often in my clients is that connecting to what you want is hard. People will say, if I had a whole day to myself and a million dollars, I wouldn’t even know what to do with it. Guess what? Now you get to think about it. What do you want? What do you want? It’s important. What you want is important. It’s your compass. When you can tune into what you want, it helps to guide you there. And oftentimes it’s like, yes, I want this. And there’s some collective things that need to change to make that happen, but it’s still important to vision what you want, important to vision what you want.(19:51):So I’ll invite some questions for you to think about when you’re thinking about building this relationship with yourself with a partner. I think a lot of it has to do with communication, working towards your common dreams while also honoring your individual goals and aspirations. And the thing is, when you can connect to your vision, it can be your lighthouse, right? It can remind you of what is truly important when things get hard. Number one, thinking about this, what are our core values and how do we align? What are our core values and how do they align? Or maybe it’s what are my own values? What are my own values that are important to me? How do we envision our daily life together with my partner?(20:47):And so maybe if you don’t have a partner and you want to have a partner, what do you want your daily life to look like? What do you want that to look like? I love thinking about the little things when you do these visions. Think about the little things. Maybe it’s, I love before we get out of bed, my partner rolls over and gives me a kiss and massages my leg. Or I love how at the end of the day, I love how my partner cooks dinner. And then we clean the kitchen together while our kiddo is playing in the other room or we put on the iPad so we can chit-chat while we clean up and we can connect while we do a mundane task to make it more fun. These kinds of things.(21:34):And it’s really good to bring your partner into this conversation too. So if you want to re-listen to this or go to the show notes, you can go to amandatesta.com/yearinreview. And I also have a journal you can download that walks you through this. How do we envision our daily life together? And then moving on to what are our individual and joint long-term goals? What are the goals that we have? What are the goals I have for myself and what are the goals that we might have together? And this is a big one I like to think about too. What does support and care look like in our relationship? When I’m having a hard time, what do I need from you? When you’re having a hard time, what do you need from me? And it’s good to talk about this when you’re in a good space.(22:19):So when you’re nice and regulated and calm versus when you’re activated or pissed off or sad, it’s harder to ask for what you need in those times so that when you can think about What do I need when I’m having a hard day? And make a list of those things, give it to your partner and have them do the same for you. I’m feeling anxious. I need this. If I’m feeling stressed out, I need this. If I’m feeling sad, I need this, I’m feeling happy. Let’s do this. And it’s just good to know. And then it can help your partner. No one’s a mind reader, right? And everybody’s usually triggered when there’s something happening, and so no one’s acting, no one’s first response is usually their best. So when you can help people know what you need, they can give it to you, and it’s amazing big learning to ask for exactly what you need.(23:06):Powerful thing. So these are just a few to get you started, and I just want to share some of these because I love doing this. It’s changed so much my relationship as well, because when we take this time to get together, for example, Friday, we went to the coffee shop and I had these questions and we kind of went through them and talked, and it was so great to get on the same page again, to realize what is important to you this year? What can I do to support you? How can we love each other better? What were some of our favorite moments? It was so great to recap that and spend time connecting. And I think that it’s so important to do. It’s so fun(23:44):To do too because it really helps you see each other in a good light, right? When you can really look at where you’ve come, how far you’ve come, what the growth edges are, and how you’ve worked towards those, it can be really important to see each other in that light. Another breath, that’s a lot. It feels good and exciting, and also sometimes a lot. It can bring up a lot. So I just want to invite you to give yourself a little breath, and thank you for listening. Thank you for being here. And here’s what I want you to do. I want you to go to amanda tested.com/your in review, download your journal if you haven’t yet, and make some time to do this reflection. I’d love to hear from you how it goes too. Please, please, I love talking to you all. So please send me a direct message on Instagram.(24:35):My Instagram is @abtesta and you can just let me know how it went when you did this review, What was one of your biggest celebrations from the year? I would love to hear, please share with me and sending you so much love.

If you want to dive deeper into the Seeds of Desire ritual, I’m hosting a live workshop where we’re going to be doing just this, and I’ll put the link to that on that webpage, amanda testa.com/your interview, and you can join for the Sowing Your Seeds of Desire Ritual on January 13th, 24:10 AM to Noon Mountain Time, and that is going to be another powerful ritual. We’re going to really set the sacred space. There’s a whole beautiful ritual that I’m going to walk you through on planting your seeds of desire, and it’s so good.

I look forward to seeing you then. If you can join, we’ll see you on the next episode.(25:25):Thank you so much for listening to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. This is your host, Amanda Tessa, and if you have felt a calling while listening to this podcast to take this work to a deeper level, this is your golden invitation. I invite you to reach out. You can contact me www.amandatesta.com/activate/and we can have a heart to heart to discuss more about how this work can transform your life. You can also join us on Facebook and the group Find Your Feminine Fire Group, and if you’ve enjoyed this podcast, please share with your friends. Go to iTunes and give a five star rating and a raving review so I can connect with other amazing listeners like yourself. Thank you so much for being a part of the podcast.

Reclaiming Your IntuWitchin with Mia Magik

December 18, 2023

Reclaiming Your IntuWitchin With Mia Magik

Looking to reclaim your inner magic and self trust?

Get ready to ignite your intuWitchin and reconnect with nature’s wisdom in the latest episode of “Find Your Feminine Fire” podcast, where I dive deep into a captivating conversation with the extraordinary Mia Magik.

As a modern ambassador of ancient wisdom and author of “IntuWitchin”, Mia shares her journey of embracing her intuition after years of ignoring her inner voice, leading to profound transformations and a deeper connection with the universe.

Listen into this powerful episode to discover:

✨How Mia’s intuitive abilities were present in childhood but got suppressed due to societal pressures, and why it can be hard to listen to your IntuWitchin.

✨Mia’s transformative experience in New York City that rekindled her connection to the Universe and her inner knowing.

✨The power of reconnecting with nature and the elements and concrete examples of interpreting signs from the universe and nature in everyday life.

✨How these principles of deepening your IntuWitchin can enhance both romantic and platonic relationships.

✨Exploring the link between physical ailments and emotional/spiritual needs.

✨Emphasizing a lifestyle that celebrates sensuality and joy in various forms.

and much more!

This episode is an invitation to step into a world where intuition, nature, and pleasure intertwine, leading to a life filled with magic, purpose, and deep fulfillment. Tune in and be inspired to awaken the magic within you!

Listen below, or tune in via: Apple Podcasts, Spotify or your fave pod player.

(Complete transcript below)

JOIN IN THE DISCUSSION ON THIS EPISODE AND MORE IN MY FREE FACEBOOK GROUP, FIND YOUR FEMININE FIRE HERE.

Mia Magik is a modern ambassador of ancient wisdom, reclaiming the truth that “Witch” means wise. She guides self-discovery and inner wisdom connection, termed ‘IntuWitchin,’ also the title of her first book.

Leading The Academy of Magikal Artistry, Mia has empowered thousands to unlock their supernatural potential to find purpose and prosperity. Her advocacy for Mother Earth informs her work and teachings, promoting a more magikal, sustainable world.

Mia’s expertise is backed by certifications in 13 disciplines, including Hatha Yoga and NLP. She facilitates transformative retreats and personal coaching, helping individuals and professionals from various fields to realize their own unique magik.

Website & Social Links:https://miamagik.com/https://www.instagram.com/miamagik/?hl=en https://www.youtube.com/@miamagik

Free Intuwitchin Download

Want more support from Amanda? Schedule a confidential 1-1 call with Amanda⁠ here.

If you liked this episode, please consider giving me a 5 Star Review on Apple Podcasts! It truly does help the podcast grow.

Have a topic or question you’d like Amanda to address on a future episode? Submit it on this anonymous form.

Amanda Testa (00:02):Hello and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire Podcast. I am your host, Amanda Testa. I am a sex, love and relationship coach, and in this podcast, my guests and I talk sex, love, and relationships and everything that lights you up from the inside out. Welcome. Hey, what’s up? It’s Amanda. If you’re enjoying this pod and you know are ready to say yes to more pleasure and you are just wanting to know, how the hell do I do it? Well, you are in luck because as of now we have spots available in the Pleasure Foundation, which is my pleasure membership, where twice a month you get an amazing practice that teaches you how to drop into your body to become more connected to yourself and to learn the art of sacred self-care. So if this is something you’re interested in, go to amanda testa.com/tpf as in the pleasure foundation, amanda testa.com/tpf and we will see you there.(01:01):Welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire Podcast, and if you are looking to find your inner guidance, your inner magic, discover your spiritual essence a little more and really trust your intuition, you’re going to love this week’s episode because today on the podcast, I am so excited to be talking with the wonderful Mia Magik and she is a modern ambassador of ancient wisdom. She is also a big proponent of reclaiming the truth that which means wise and helping others to discover this as well. She is also the author of her newest book called IntuWitchin, which we are going to be talking a little bit more about today as well. And she’s just empowered so many with that ability to unlock that supernatural potential within themselves, trust themselves to find their purpose and prosperity, and is very, very connected to Mother Earth and her teachings and uses that a lot in her work as well. So I’m so excited to talk with you today, Mia, thank you so much for being here. Yeah,Mia Magik (02:01):My pleasure. So excited to be with you.Amanda Testa (02:03):I would love to start just a little bit, if you wouldn’t mind just telling everyone who may not be familiar with you, a little bit about what kind of led you on the path to connect more deeply with your intuwitchin and what that means for you.Mia Magik (02:17):Yeah, absolutely. I think that my personal experience with intuition and inner wisdom and our guidance is that I just made one too many mistakes, not listening really. I lived many years of ignoring the voice, ignoring the call, just really trying to prevent, yeah, I guess my higher self from entering my life and from guiding me and from really showing me the way that I was always meant to take. But it’s scary. It can be really frightening to go against the societal status quo and our programming, whether that’s religious programming or parental programming. And so my journey was very long. I grew up in a very beautiful natural environment in the redwoods in northern California, and it was the kind of place where you could really hear that voice clearly. It’s not a lot of noise and distraction. It’s a very tranquil, very natural environment and place.(03:17):I was very connected to my intuition as a little girl. I knew what I wanted to do. I knew who I wanted to be, I knew where I was going to go, and at a certain point my peers started really dragging me down and really being totally flabbergasted that I could even consider that I would ever achieve some of these things. And so many of us, I think that what happens is we have these intuitive guidance or hits or voices. We have this inner wisdom and the outside world tells us it’s wrong and it tells us that it’s dangerous, that will be abandoned or rejected or that we are not good enough to achieve these things that we hear these whispers calling us to do. And so I, like many other people, listened to what everybody else had to say about me and all of the judgments and the ridicule that people had for my dreams and my goals and what kind of life I saw fit and wanted to lead for myself.(04:22):And I just became miserable. I just became a shell of myself. And I lived that way for over a decade and it was so heartbreaking and I was so depressed and so riddled with anxiety and so unhealthy that I just kind of hit my own rock bottom moment. And I experienced the voice of my intuition or the voice of God, the higher intelligence of the universe come down and talk to me one day. And I was just walking on the street of New York City and I was so done with myself and my relationship and just who I’d become. I was just like, this girl is not me. I don’t want to be this person anymore. And I just looked up and I was like God? And immediately there was this gust of wind that came whipping down through the trees and into my hair. And as it rustled in the leaves, the sun, which had been blocked from me, opened up and was beaming onto my face.(05:29):And it was like I could see the clouds in a whole new way and the universe responded to me. And that was how I started cultivating a relationship with what I call into witch. And because which means wise, it is our inner wisdom. And in that moment it was that okay, God or this energy of the universe is actually all around me. It’s here in everything. And I think that is the ultimate wisdom, truth, and ancient idiom that we can all reconnect to in order to live a more magical life and ultimately be able to feel more aligned with who we truly are rather than who we think we’re supposed to be.Amanda Testa (06:11):That story just give me chills all on my arms like, oh, so beautiful. I think it’s powerful that you were in that moment open to it because like you were mentioning so often we might just be totally oblivious to the signs and symbols that the universe might want to send our way. Why do you think that is?Mia Magik (06:30):Well, I think we’ve been programmed too, you work in sexuality and this is about feminine fire. The feminine fire has been villainized, demonized, blamed, shamed, shut down, oppressed, suppressed. And I think that that’s exactly how we’ve started to lose, not started. We’re like we’re lost. I mean, look at society right now. Everybody lost. We’re having a hard time these days. And in my experience, the loss itself is really a result of the loss of our connection with nature. And once upon a time when you look back, the oldest science on earth is astrology and even pre astrology, what we would study as a species was the language of nature. And it was about how clouds would form and how different weather patterns would move through and the shapes that flocks of birds would make or the waves that waves would crash. We would read information here, even the way that the Dalai Lama is chosen, maybe not still, but I’m pretty sure it’s like in reading the clouds, there’s this divination of the clouds.(07:40):And when you look at our bodies, right, this physical bones like the stones and the mountain, this is the earth and then we have rivers like creeks and streams of blood flowing through us. Those are the waters within us. We breathe this air that the natural world provides for us. And then there’s electricity making our hearts beat in every single moment. We are made of the same elements as the universe, but we’ve forgotten that. And throughout history, throughout our current era, witch hunters and the church and the major religions as a whole have wiped out anyone whose feminine fire was activated and was ignited. They have stripped us of our relationship to nature. They desecrated and confiscated temples and then they turned them into churches. And so people who had these same places of worship for thousands of years, the place would be the same, but the setting would be completely different and the type of worship would be completely different.(08:38):And the alternative was death. If you stood up, if you spoke out, if you placed yourself in opposition to the church, the alternative was death. And so that is how we’ve lost this symbolic relationship and deep communication with is because there really wasn’t another safe choice. And that’s why it’s so brave for all of us who are on this path right now to be reclaiming this wisdom. And it’s so important is because it is where we all came from and it is who we all were. And everyone comes from an indigenous civilization. If you go far back enough, the church is not a culture and it was like a genocide, colonization worldwide. And so I think that we’ve lost a relationship to understanding that everything around us has information and has wisdom or guidance for us. And that is what my book and my work is all about. It’s just helping us remember that the universe has this beautiful language that it’s speaking to us all the time. And if we reconnect to our own infinite nature and remember we are also a reflection of the macrocosm in our little micro lives, it really creates a lot of deeper meaning and allows us to glean significance from even seemingly mundane moments like that one on the streets of New York. For me.Amanda Testa (10:00):I love that. I think it’s interesting too when we think back to maybe when you were young, you were talking about growing up in the redwoods, and I know it’s something about when you’re little in these memories, and maybe not everyone grew up in an environment like that, but I know my dad’s side of the family was in rural Georgia, and I would always go, I love nature. I would spend so much time outside and there was zero fear. And even in my early twenties, first moving to Colorado, that’s one of the reasons I moved here is I just love being in the mountains. I love being outside, never feeling worried or afraid, sleeping outside. And it’s so interesting how as we grow up or as we just hear all those messages like, oh, that’s not safe, or you’re going to get, if you go into the forest, you’ll get eaten by a bear or whatever. So I’m curious for you too, when it came to reclaiming that connection and even being in New York City, being able to reclaim it there, what are some of the other maybe a story or something that you can share around how you were able to reclaim that connection to nature even more over the years?Mia Magik (10:59):Yeah. Oh man. It comes from so much deep listening. It’s really, it’s a journey. It’s not an easy thing to me. It’s innate now, but it does take a lot of work. And part of the reason why we’re afraid of nature is because of that same witch wound is because if a witch hunter caught you outside singing to a tree, doing a ritual in the forest gathering herbs, which was our original medicine, that was all we had as medicine. If you were caught doing any of the things that people had done previously for the hundreds of thousands of years of our species, again, you were killed or tortured or burned alive. And so I think that people have just absolutely come to be afraid of being in nature. And even for me personally, I still go out into nature all the time, and I still have this just, it’s not delusional.(11:52):I get it’s there, but this crazy fear of someone’s going to come and get me, I literally will think like, oh, someone’s going to track my phone and know exactly where I am out in the middle of this forest or whatever, and they’re just going to come and get me and they’re going to wipe me out. And it seems totally irrational, but it’s wired into us. And there’s a reason for that because when we are out in nature, when we experience our sovereignty and receive the reflection of true abundance, not scarcity, like extractive capitalism and the way that our society functions like consumerism, that’s all scarcity, that’s all telling you you’re not good enough and you need these things in order to be safe, healthy, well, hot desired, whatever it is, all scarcity. But when you’re out in nature, she’s the atomic expression of abundance.(12:38):And if you are connected to nature and know how to grow your own food and make your own medicine and build your own house, then you don’t really need the powers that be. And so for me, the best thing, the most impactful thing is just going out and spending time. And there is so much nature within just a few miles of even every major city. Obviously you’re in Denver, so you’ve got a bunch of cool, beautiful nature right around you. But even in la, in San Francisco, in Miami, in New York, in Chicago, there is so much beautiful nature right around almost every major city in the world. Same goes for places like Paris and Switzerland. Obviously Switzerland’s got a lot of dope nature, but you can get out of a big city pretty quickly and easily and find nature. So one of the things that I love to do is just let myself melt onto the earth.(13:28):You can do this in a park, but if there’s more people around, they might look at you or nudge you or be like, are you alive? So I like to go find a really rural place and just kind of get myself off the beaten path and actually just lay on the earth like womb down, face down sometimes one ear to the ground or third eye to the ground, heart to the ground, womb to the earth. And I like to feel as if my heart is growing roots and my heart is going to send all these tendrils out and I’m going to kind of click in or link with all of the mycelial networks, the roots of the trees, all of the communication that’s happening down beneath the ground. And I let my heart just send love out to it. And within a few minutes, your body starts to actually regulate with the earth.(14:18):So your heart rate will slow, your stress responses will lessen. Your nervous system will absolutely, we call it a nervous system. It will stop being so nervous and you will have to, or I certainly have to go through the thoughts and they’re like, oh my God, what if somebody, they’re going to come upon me, they’re going to think I’m weird. Or they’re like, let ’em think that that’s okay. And so I have extended this practice for up to five plus hours and who I feel at the end of that experience, which I get, that’s a long time, I totally get it. Everyone’s like, what the fuck? I’m not going to lay on the ground for five hours. But what happens when you do something like that is that all the thoughts, all the distractions, all of the resistance, all of the reasons why you should just get up or just go about your day and do something more important, all of those things fall away eventually.(15:10):And it’s just you and the vibration of the planet and the song of the earth. And to me, it really truly does feel like she sings a song to you. And I notice that my sense of myself, my sense of fulfillment, of peace, of trust, of ease of abundance, just genuine tranquility, happiness, fulfillment, I feel so good after doing that ritual. And that’s also something that’s so simple. You don’t even have to do anything. You’re not, there’s no fancy prescription. It’s just being there with her. And when you think about our modern world and how few moments there are for doing a thing that it would’ve just been like normal. You would’ve slept on the earth all night. You would’ve made your food on an earth and floor with a fire you would eat on the floor. You would have been connected to the earth almost all day every day for your entire life.(16:11):And so taking a few moments out of our busy modern days and creating that reconnection, the shift in my life and reality that I notice after I do that, I’ve done this ritual several times, and one was in Crete in Greece. My life transformed after that a couple of times now is mostly in the redwoods where I grew up, and I watch dreams unfold after doing it. And my perspective is, and I think this goes for anyone who’s wanting to create more connection to nature or to come home to themselves, is again that you watch the reasons why not. And all the little stories you just watch all of that melt away. And what you create space for then is your true nature and really understanding what that means and what that is. And that is deeply fulfilling and comforting and nourishing to all of us because most of us were not encouraged to be our full selves when we were young or right now at all. And it’s profound medicine for the spirit.Amanda Testa (17:20):Even as you tell that story, I’m just noticing my nervous system is slowing down feeling that just deep, rich, earth energy. It is magical. I mean it is. And I think I love that example because, and even just if you are somewhere you can go sit and look at a plant, you can have your own plant because just that regenerative nature, it helps remind you that’s in you, right? So it is So healing.Mia Magik (17:48):Yeah, growth cycles, seasons, death, rebirth, we all go through the same things that nature does, and she’s such a powerful role model of just being with what’s present and also going with the flow.Amanda Testa (18:00):Yes. Oh my goodness. And so I’m loving this and I’m curious too. So obviously being able to tune in to that level takes practice the same as learning to tune into our body and learning to tune into trusting the symbols that we see. And I’m curious for you maybe if there’s any tips that you could offer the listeners around how they can better understand the signs and signals from the universe, how they can tune in more deeply?Mia Magik (18:25):Yeah, totally. So one of the first things is really just even wherever you are, wherever you’re listening to this from just looking around your environment. So anything earthly is going to be physical, tangible things. Again, earthly body, bones, stones, mountains, physical environment, home, car, career, finances, relationships, health of the body itself. These are all earth element things. So if you’re experiencing a challenge in your life, you can look at these elements and their significance and really read into what’s happening here, what’s going on. And I’ll share an example from the book that actually was with me and Layla in a second. So then the water is the emotions, it’s the creativity, it’s the sacral chakra, it’s our sexuality. It’s right, it’s the blood, sweat and tears, it’s crying and it’s the energy that’s in motion within us, the way that water flows and falls and has so many different expressions, hurricanes and ocean waves and trickling creeks and rain and mist and fog.(19:27):There’s all these different expressions of water, just like we have so many expressions of emotion and the way that sexuality has so many flavors and different textures as well. And so water, any type of water, any water faucet, any pipe burst, right? It’s like there’s something here for emotional reality, creativity, going with the flow or not being in resistance, breath, air. It’s how we’re using our voices to communicate. This is the sign of expression and the mind. It’s like the stories that run the thoughts, how we talk to ourselves and we’re breathing. It’s like expression is always sort of an interchange. It’s either us talking to ourselves or us talking to someone else. So the breath is the element of mind and communication and expression and two ravens flying by the window for me right now, winged one. So the birds have this higher perspective.(20:17):They have this gift they can see from the zoomed out picture. Then the fire is the element of our action, our motivation, our transformation. Something goes in the fire. It’s either incinerated or we cook it, right? I love, there’s this Buddhist thing that the same hot water that softens the potato, hardens the egg. So even though it’s water, it’s the heat actually that’s doing the thing. And so that heat inside of us, what is it doing? What is it changing? What is it bringing forth from within us? And how are we driven? How are we taking that fire inside us and acting upon it? What are we doing? So one time I ignored my intuition, I walked into our dear sister Layla’s house, and I heard water running, and I was like, oh, who’s showering? And it was like, God, girl, she lives with other people who caress, who’s showering.(21:08):And 45 minutes after we were sitting by the fire hanging out, she goes, oh my God, the tub and the bathtub had been overflowing into her living room for an hour. And when you look at all these things, it’s like, okay, wow. She was in really deep emotions that night though. Her waters were overflowing. That’s why I went over there. I ignored my intuition. She had a $20,000 bill for her living room. Ceiling floor lights are like the fire. The lights were out, the lights were taken out because there wasn’t anything to clearly illuminate the situation. It was kind of just mired in the fog of that emotional experience. And then you look at the home, it’s the body, it’s the foundation, a ceiling, a bathroom floor, and a living room. Ceiling floors are foundation, ceilings are like limitation or security, kind of that structure, that protection.(21:56):And so you can really look at, okay, the foundation, the floor got flooded by the emotions. The ceiling is no longer safe. It’s not actually protecting us because of that same flooding. Because when we’re overly in our emotions, sometimes we do do damage. We have to be regulated with the ways that we experience our emotions. A bath full of water is really safe because it’s contained, but sometimes when we let the waters overflow, we flood things or there’s damage created. Same as a friend who’s just too depressed or too angry at something can really affect you and can really flood your relationship with them. And so even something like that, anything in your life, you can look at how the elements play into the greater significance and the signs that are being provided for you. And that is what into which in what my book is all about, is reading the language of the universe, being able to work with these elemental invitations and understand how we can then respond in a more empowered way, create a more active dialogue with the universe in response.(23:07):Or like, oh, wow, okay, the waters were running. Let me check in with myself emotionally. How am I doing? What am I maybe letting flow too much like it’s overflowing? Or what am I damning? Where am I damning my rivers? And so that’s just a very small, simple example of how you can really start seeing the way that you are creating your reality. And so you are using your reality to communicate with yourself all the time. And that’s a really powerful habit to get into. And it is ultimately a lifestyle that I really lead and believe deeply in. And it’s an exploration of the law of correspondence, that ancient idiom as above, so below as within so without, it’s one of the universal laws. And it’s a way to really create an empowering, actively engaged way of working with your healing and understanding how you’re being invited to deepen into it every day. And in every way,Amanda Testa (24:07):It invites in that slowing down too to pay attention and how easily we can dismiss like, oh, she lives with people. Probably someone’s taking a shower versus how easy it is to like, oh, that’sMia Magik (24:19):Huge. When she got that bill, I was like, oh my God, girl, I knew, I knew. I had a little inkling. I had this little voice. And I think that’s one of the issues that we have most often is not listening to the voice. And for me, that’s the difference between intuition and intuition is like intuition. Yeah. Okay. It might come in, it might say something to you, it might have an invitation for you, but because the difference between knowledge and wisdom is embodiment, it’s like how are you acting upon it into which it is? Like what do you do about it? And then not just what you do, but how do you use that wisdom to read the deeper significance of what’s going on and know that you are being communicated with.Amanda Testa (25:00):I’m curious too, when it comes to relationships and how people can use this to deepen their relationships.Mia Magik (25:08):Yeah. Oh my gosh. That’sAmanda Testa (25:09):Something you are cool to share about. Yeah.Mia Magik (25:11):There’s so many ways I think that I really love when people and my sister’s friends, this also goes for one of the chapters in my book is called Body Language. Every part of your body has significance down to each one of your toes and your teeth. And so I love whenever people, if they get hurt, really talking through, okay, wow, you injured your right ankle will. Feet are roots, and ankles are the joints that connect our legs to our feet. And so if you hurt your right side, this is your masculine side, and our legs are how we move forward, how we walk forward in our lives. And then again, feet are what connect us to the earth are really our roots. So how is that meeting point between the way you connect to your roots and the earth and the way you walk forward in your life, again, in this masculine way, in this action directive, how is that needing some attention?(26:09):How is that needing a little healing? What is it that, again, do you need to slow down? Do you need to really connect with now while you’re relying more on your left foot, you’re relying more on your feminine side? What does that mean for you and what does it look like? So that’s one of my favorite ways to do it in relationships is really to support people in understanding what maybe the significance is of an event in their life, to know how best to handle it or to move forward. But I just love spending time with people in nature. I love going out and bathing in wild waters and sitting beneath waterfalls and just resting at the base of trees. I took a nap the other day underneath the tree. I was just in Tanzania and a couple of us girls just laid down beneath this gorgeous tree and all took a nap together.(26:56):And it was just so magnificent. And doing breath, doing intentional conversation, something we talk about in VITA so much is the fears, desires and loves really using that. I love that practice. I think it’s so impactful. I use that in my retreats all the time, just really helping people get more connected to one another. And then there’s really going deeper, like ritual bathing with one another. And I have a sister who leads beautiful baptisms. And even just, I’ve done some ceremonies where you just either wash someone’s hands or someone’s feet very in that Jesus mode of like, I will wash your feet. And it feels so good to just have someone cleansing your hands and just tending to you in this beautiful way. And so I think that in relationships, it depends on whether we’re talking about more intimate and romantic relationships or with friends, but just going out and spending time in nature together is such a healing and beautiful bonding experience. And you’ll both get different inspiration and different hits and insights. And just sharing them together is again, such an important way for us to reclaim our ancient origins and how we once really operated not only in synergy and harmony with one another, but also with the planet. I loveAmanda Testa (28:14):That. It’s so funny you told a story about the right ankle because a couple years ago I did break my right ankle. I was hiking with my husband, and it was so funny. It was the most beautiful day I was walking with my dog and I was looking up not paying attention. I was like, ah, asked and what a beautiful day talking to my dog and literally just did not see a hole and stepped in it. And it was so interesting because it did, it forced all this slowing down. It forced me to let my husband take care of me to higher right side help to do all the things, the dog walking, because I couldn’t drive for eight weeks. So it was just so interesting that you picked up on that. I was like, oh, it was huge to slow down and all that deeper connection that was there.Mia Magik (28:59):I love those little ones. I almost said something else. I was about to go knee, and then I was like, ah, I choose ankle. The other day I was talking to another sister and I was like, yeah, I’m just using this example. She’s in a fight with her brother. And I was like, yeah. And just say to the brother’s wife, like, Samantha, can you please? And she looks at me and she’s like, how the fuck did you know her name? I was like, oh, I don’t know. Just pulled that one right out.Amanda Testa (29:21):Yeah, it’s your intuition in action.Mia Magik (29:24):That’s right.Amanda Testa (29:25):I just knew to talk about the right ankle. So one of the question that I would love to just touch on, we always love talking about pleasure and just how nature just is pleasure, but how it’s deepened, how all work around your intuition and everything else, how that weaves in pleasure too.Mia Magik (29:46):Yeah, I mean, that’s how you and I first met. And I think that to me, when I look at nature, when you look at all, I’m looking outside and now at just these beautiful clouds, and I was always one of those kids that when I would look outside in the plane, I was like, I just want to touch them. What does that feel like? I just want to lay in that these pillowy beautiful blankets of air and mist and water. And so of course there are things in nature. There are spiky things and pokey things and poisonous things. But even those things, I just look at the sensual smorgasbord that she has created, the sense of flowers, the taste of berries, all the fruits, even the texture of the leaves that you turn into, baskets and things like the resins that become incensed. There is so much to enjoy.(30:48):And I think that’s another thing that people get really, we kind of create this story that pleasure just means sexuality rather than the fact that we’ve been given five or six senses to really enjoy. And yes, the sense of touch in our most sensitive zones is like, yeah, it’s heightened. It’s amazing. It becomes sexual pleasure, great all the way here for that. And there is so much pleasure to be experienced just by enjoying. For me, I’m one of those like, oh man, on a muddy day, I’m going to take a hike barefoot and I’m going to just be squinching my toes in that mud. When I see people with their shoes on the beach, I’m like, are you okay? Have you ever felt sand in your toes? Do you know what you’re missing? So good. I’m like, is everything all right? Are you good? I saw this girl walking her dog on the beach the other day wearing shoes.(31:40):I was like, can I carry those for you? I’m happy, but you should take ’em off. And so I think that for me, finding all the ways that pleasure supports you, and then really looking at, again, using your intuition, what are the ways that you have resistance to pleasure or disempowered stories about pleasure and working through those things? That has been really the biggest gift for me. And I learned that time when we first met in Mexico, one of the sisters, Emily, I think was like Mia, you’re just innately a tantrika. You just are. It’s just who you are. It’s just the way you function. This is just who you are. And to me, that’s because I delight in my senses. I delight in what my eyes can see with the clouds. I delight in the fact that I can always sense the earth holding me beneath me acting as this great mother, this living sentient deity upon whose skin we are, bacteria, I can feel her holding me.(32:41):I get to taste all these amazing fruits and peaches and things that she creates like, Ugh, come on. Ugh. The smell of magnolias and jasmine and roses and I, it’s just all the sound of birds, of dolphins, of whales, of someone you love, telling you how much they appreciate you, there is so much pleasure to be gleaned and received from the world. And for me, intuition is also following the threads of where we resist it or where we run away from it, or where we think it’s too much or not enough. And that I think is a really great guidance system. And pillar is like, wow. Oh, I noticed myself shying away from pleasure not with food. I really enjoy all my food with pleasure, but then when I’m in nature or I’m good in nature and I’m great with food, but when it comes to romantic pleasure or being worshiped or being taken care of, like your husband did for you when you hurt your leg, those are the ways that I avoid pleasure.(33:46):And again, to reiterate, that type of pleasure is something very particular that would be emotional pleasure. Oh wow, someone’s here for me and someone’s nourishing me and caring for me, and maybe not necessarily has to be dotting on me, but I’m safe. I’m taken care of. Wow. Can I experience the pleasure and the settling that that provides for my nervous system? Can I give myself the gift of really enjoying that and watching the places where we avoid pleasure or shame, pleasure, feel to me like some of the ultimate harbinger of your healing path. Okay, well, this is really something that I need to look at then. This is something I want to work with. And for me, I just was working with to get to where I am to manifest financial abundance and a purposeful life and lots of specific dreams like this book and the subsequent projects that come after that.(34:41):All the different things that I have in my life now. I watched where I resisted physical, spiritual, or emotional pleasure where I was allowing myself to continue experiencing existential pain or where I was blocking that soothing or that love or that type of intimate connection again, platonic or otherwise. And that was really what guided me. And then when I would ask my intuition or ask my higher self or ask the goddess and mother earth like, okay, what do I do? Help me. And I would get an insight or an invitation. I would just do it. And sometimes the pleasure is in the after effect. Sometimes it’s in the reward. Sometimes the thing you have to do to get to the pleasure is not that pleasurable. It can be really challenging or confronting or scary, even terrifying. Honestly, we’ve both been there a lot of times specifically going into the darkness and the shame around healing your own sexuality can be so horrifying and agonizing. But then on the other side, there’s this deeper orgasmic potential or there’s this open heart that can actually meet someone in love. And so for me, the pleasure is, yeah, it’s always worth the pain. And when we follow the pleasure and when we strive to remedy the pain, there’s just always rewards and blessings on the other side.Amanda Testa (36:13):Yes, so, so beautiful. It’s so true. I think about that too. It’s like the open that comes from it, that in itself is life-changing, right? The more I think connected to your own self, you are, of course, the more you’re connected to others, the more empathetic you are, the more the collective is affected, right? Because you are more connected to it.Mia Magik (36:36):Yeah. And I find that in that open-heartedness too, so many like myself, my clients, when I really started experiencing an even deeper layer of open-heartedness in my partnership, I started having these wild amrita orgasms just gushing everywhere. It was like, oh. And I messaged my sister who, excuse me, that’s one of the things that she teaches. Dakota Chanel, she’s amazing. And I messaged her and she was like, well, yeah, of course the yoni and the cervix are so connected to the heart, so if the heart feels safe, she’s going to be more open, more ecstatic, more ready, more justified. And it was so powerful for me to feel that even it wasn’t even other physical types of orgasms. It was literally like these floodgates from within my body just reacting to the feeling of my heart being safer and less armored in the container of my partnership. So powerful.Amanda Testa (37:38):It’s so true. I think I have a similar experience of that with my husband. We had been married, I don’t know, five or years or so when I first started doing my sexual healing work. And I could not believe, I thought things were pretty good, and I was blown away. I was like, oh, this is what I love about this work. There’s so much to it. There’s so much depth. And now we’ve been together for 15 years, and it just continues to evolve and get more luscious and fun and so good.Mia Magik (38:06):Yeah, that’s the dream too. And that’s like rewriting the whole matrix narrative of what love and union is. It’s like, oh, once you get married, the sex dies out, and then you have kids and then you’re miserable and you just deal with it. It’s like, no, no,Amanda Testa (38:22):It’s notMia Magik (38:22):Available for that story. I want a different one. Yes. Yeah,Amanda Testa (38:26):I love that you are writing that in every way. Yeah. So I’m curious too where everybody can find you and connect with you and what other fun things that you have going on.Mia Magik (38:36):Oh my God, there’s so many fun things going on. So I run retreats in castles that are going to Hogwarts for the week where we do a lot of this deep feminine, transformative, embodiment work, lots of somatic release, lots of breath work, lots of rituals outside in nature, lots of deep connection and sisterhood. They’re my absolute favorite experience to create. So I have Castle retreats. I have the book coming out January 30th into witching. That is such a beautiful exploration again, of the language of the universe and how we can learn to speak it to live in this really empowered dialogue with it. I have courses and programs. Everything is under the umbrella at Mia Magic, M-I-A-M-A-G-I-K. So my Instagram, my YouTube, my website is all M-I-A-M-A-G-I-K Mia Magic. And it’s really just an incredible ecosystem and lifestyle of what does it mean to live your most magical life?(39:30):What does that mean for you? What kind of pleasure are you seeking? What kind of magic might unfold from within you? And really how can you be in service and devotion to that? And so it’s such a gift. It’s so powerful. And ultimately, I think the through line of everything we’ve been talking about, for me, it’s just about giving my inner child and the little girl inside of me, the kind of life that she always hoped and dreamed of. And for I believe that we could all live in a magical life and feel fulfilled and purposeful and abundant and pleasurable. And so that’s really my mission is to just support people in accessing that for themselves. And I’m going to be a trailblazer and a role model till the day I die because I will die on this hill. I love it. And I’m here to live a magical life and help create a more magical world.Amanda Testa (40:23):Yes. I love it so much. Thank you. I also, if there is maybe any question that you wish that I would’ve asked that I didn’t ask, or any important last words you’d like to share?Mia Magik (40:35):Well, I don’t know if it’s a question I wish you would’ve asked, but one thing that I would say to people is that the most impactful way that I have created more pleasure and also more abundance, which I find are the two main things we’re looking for, is I want pleasure and I want money. And the best way that I have manifested both of those things is by working with the earth. So I don’t shop at Amazon. I don’t support any of the big conglomerates. I buy everything secondhand, everything secondhand. Unless I am supporting a craftsman or like an artist or a person. Like these earrings were made by this amazing woman who I found at this cool craft fair. So in my home, all my furniture is secondhand absolutely everything. And it’s a pillar that I have found that instead of thinking that vintage or secondhand is cheaper or less expensive, it’s actually that we are operating from true abundance and that we are not needing to consume more and what’s new and what’s next in order to keep plundering the earth and damaging and desecrating her.(41:41):So I find that literally the more conscientious I am about my footprint and my impact, the more the goddess blesses me with financial abundance and other rewards of dreams coming true. And I truly believe that that’s because this planet is the mother we all share. We are all her children. And every good mom just wants to be acknowledged, wants you to come home every once in a while, say, what’s up, be present, have some quality time. And I think that if we can all remember to do that and learn how to do that, we can start to change the things and the ways and these systems that have been built up around us to keep us in scarcity and keep us out of our pleasure and out of our power, and we can truly reclaim that sovereignty and rebuild and ultimately, I hope rebirth a more magical, more harmonious relationship with ourselves, each other and the earth.Amanda Testa (42:35):Yes. Thank you so much, Mia. It’s been so fun to talk with you. And yeah, I’ll make sure to put in the show notes where you can find in two witching and all the beautiful things that Mia is up to, and you can find her on Mia Magik at all the places too. M-A-G-I-K. Yeah. So thank you so much again for being here and for those listening, thank you for tuning in and we’ll see you next time.Mia Magik (43:00):Blessed. Thank you.Amanda Testa (43:02):Thank you for listening to the Find Your Feminine Fire Podcast. If you love this episode, please go ahead and forward it right now to someone who you know would love it. And if you’ve not yet had a chance to leave us a rave review on Apple Podcasts, please make sure to rate and review if you enjoyed the podcast, as well as make sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. Thanks for listening, and we’ll see you next week.

Creating Joyful Connections to Your Body with Thais Harris

December 12, 2023

Creating Joyful Connections to Your Body with Thais Harris

Have you ever wondered how your health and nutrition plays into your Feminine Fire?

If you’re seeking ways to nourish your spirit, body, and mind, you’re in for a treat with our latest conversation.

In this episode of the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast, I’m thrilled to sit down with Thais Harris, a board-certified holistic nutritionist who helps clients cultivate deeper self-love as the guiding principle in making dietary and lifestyle improvements.

Thais’s journey from the world of graphic design and acting to holistic nutrition is nothing short of inspiring, driven by personal health challenges and family experiences. It’s a story that speaks to the transformative power of food and self-care.

Together, Thais and I dive deep into the intricate connections between nutrition, stress, and overall well-being. We explore how our food choices can significantly impact our health, vitality, and even our emotional state. Thais shares eye-opening insights into the importance of traditional diets and the role of joyful movement in nurturing our resilience and vibrancy, and creating better relationships.

Listen in to discover:

✨ Uncover how stress impacts health and learn strategies to combat its effects through nutrition.

✨ Conscious eating and practical tips on making mindful food choices that align with your body’s needs and your soul’s desires.

✨ Getting your family on board, and how to guide your children towards nourishing food choices in a supportive, non-restrictive manner.

✨Embracing menopause and advice on using nutrition and self-love to navigate this transformative stage gracefully.

Grab your favorite beverage, find a cozy spot, and join us in this enlightening conversation. It’s time to unlock the secrets to fueling your feminine fire through the power of nutrition and self-love.

Listen below, or tune in via: Apple Podcasts, Spotify or your fave pod player.

(Complete transcript below)

JOIN IN THE DISCUSSION ON THIS EPISODE AND MORE IN MY FREE FACEBOOK GROUP, FIND YOUR FEMININE FIRE HERE.

Thais Harris is a board-certified holistic nutritionist and author who helps women love themselves into their ideal body, vibrant health, and an outstanding life.

Cultivating deeper self-love as the guiding principle in making dietary and lifestyle improvements, her clients get crystal clear in their goals, understanding their unique needs with the help of current labs and DNA reports. Thais and her clients identify priorities and create a custom path forward to end self-loathing (and the sabotaging that comes with it) and rediscover vibrant health, transforming their relationship with body, mind, and food. She has successfully guided hundreds of people in their journey to optimal health, through her signature group cleanse, online courses, and individual + family wellness coaching at Nourish Together, for over a decade.

Want more support from Amanda? Schedule a confidential 1-1 call with Amanda⁠ here.

If you liked this episode, please consider giving me a 5 Star Review on Apple Podcasts! It truly does help the podcast grow.

Have a topic or question you’d like Amanda to address on a future episode? Submit it on this anonymous form.

Amanda Testa (00:02):Hello and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire Podcast. I am your host, Amanda Testa. I am a sex, love and relationship coach and in this podcast my guests and I talk sex, love, and relationships and everything that lights you up from the inside out. Welcome. Hey, what’s up? It’s Amanda. If you’re enjoying this pod and you know are ready to say yes to more pleasure and you are just wanting to know, how the hell do I do it? Well, you are in luck because as of now we have spots available in the Pleasure Foundation, which is my pleasure membership, where twice a month you get an amazing practice that teaches you how to drop into your body to become more connected to yourself and to learn the art of sacred self-care. So if this is something you’re interested in, go to www.amandatesta.com/tpf as in the pleasure foundation, www.amandatesta.com/tpf and we will see you there.(01:01):Hello and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire Podcast. Have you ever wondered how your help and nutrition plays into your feminine fire? Well, as I talked about on last week’s podcast, it is all so connected and today I am very thrilled because I’m talking with Thais Harris and she is a board certified holistic nutritionalist and author who really helps use the element of self-love into your vibrant health, how you can use that to create the vibrancy that you are seeking. And it’s such a huge thing. I love her perspective here around using self-love as a guiding force when you’re making these choices to improve your health, to improve your diet, all the things. So I’m really excited to have you here and you have been doing this work for over a decade, so you have so much experience to offer. Thank you for being here.Thais Harris (01:52):Thank you so much for having me, Amanda. I’m so excited to be here.Amanda Testa (01:55):And one of the things I love to always find out from my experts when they come on is what kind of led you on this path to be so passionate about nutrition and health? Would you mind sharing a little bit about that?Thais Harris (02:08):Yes. My previous lifetime I was a graphic designer and an actress, and at the time I was living in San Francisco and loving life and it did feel like there was some piece missing that I wasn’t quite sure what it was. I knew in my corporate job that’s not what I was going to do for the longterm and there was some stressors that we all at some point or another experience, and I noticed how I was really influencing my digestion and how even though I didn’t have a horrible diet, I just wasn’t feeling well, I was always bloated and burpy and I felt like things didn’t properly digest. My body kept fluctuating, and so I went to get help and I found a naturopathic doctor and with diet alone, all of my symptoms went away and so I was pretty blown away and I knew that there was something there.(03:06):Also, I grew up in Brazil and so had a very different diet growing up, very kind of in what we think now of holistic. We’re using whole foods. My diet was very based on that and by the time I moved to the US in 1999, the influx of a load of processed foods. Of course there were already processed foods before, but I remember in the nineties really things like even salad dressing, which in Brazil used to have a drizzle of olive oil, a drizzle of vinegar and our salad. That was it, right? But I remember Italian dressing and how everybody was like, oh my God, this is amazing. And we’re all buying all these products that are now coming into the market and not knowing that they had a lot of additives and different things that weren’t quite ideal. So fast forward, I moved to the US the first couple of years, my body changed a lot and the way I felt, because I started subscribing to a lot of convenience foods, I was on my own for the first time in my life and had to cook for myself.(04:07):And hey, in the market there were mashed potatoes that came in a bag. I just had to add water. Woo-hoo, right? So easy. And then soon enough I had gained weight. My mood was very different. There were a lot of ways in which I was noticing this. I’m out of balance. And so I was reading and I was doing a lot of my own research and it wasn’t until I was then many years later living in San Francisco and working that. Then I really actually found help and that help led me to go back to school and study nutrition. And at first I thought it was just going to be for my own wellbeing and quickly after part of our schooling was actually working with people and it became so clear, it was like I had stepped into the sunshine because it felt like this is what I need to be doing.(05:02):And then right after I graduated, about a month after I graduated, I had been really excited to go home and spend some time with my dad. He had developed type two diabetes, he had high blood pressure, atherosclerosis, I mean all the things that stress and poor diet cause he had it. And so I was very excited that I felt like I finally had some tools to go home and help him even if it was just a little bit. But a month after I graduated, he passed away from a very aggressive cancer and so I then started studying nutrition for cancer prevention and for improving quality of life during treatment. Even though for my dad in sort of a good way, things happened quickly. I know for him it would’ve been very excruciating to be in treatment for a long time, but from the time he was diagnosed to his death, it was two weeks.(05:55):So everything happened fast. But yeah, it’s sent me down this road of really understanding all the safety mechanisms that we have in our body and there’s so many, which is wonderful, and so how could we use those and how could we use nutrition and lifestyle to really improve those and keep ’em at tip top shape so that we don’t experience hopefully what my dad did. And so I ended up working for a nonprofit that was providing meals to people in cancer treatments. I did that for five years and it was incredible. And between my work with in private practice and my work at series Community project working with this population that had experienced cancer and there were other illnesses too that we were providing the meals for, I got to really start seeing how much this connection to love, connection to joy, finding joy in eating, finding joy in movement, how those things had such a big impact in how people feel and how people stay committed to their goals and that the part of making ourselves feel bad, having shame around at health condition or any kind of self-loathing notion or experience that we might have.(07:17):How that was a hindrance and it was actually keeping people from healing, like hating blocks healing. And so that’s why I really started at first kind of including self-love is kind of a sideline to what I do and finally at this point in my life, really claiming that is the foundation of what we do. Yeah,Amanda Testa (07:40):I’m so sorry about your dad.Thais Harris (07:41):Thank you.Amanda Testa (07:44):I find it’s so interesting too in how your journey led you through also being able to support cancer patients through food. Because one of the things I find so interesting and also really not great is the traditional dietary requirements. Let me just say that you’ll get, if you go to the doctor and I just recently had my physical and talking about protein and they give this handout, guess what? Just guess what they said. The number one source for good protein was you’ll never believe it. Process cheese, American cheese. I was like, are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? This is like a doctor giving this information. I was just like, all right, well we know that we have to educate ourselves and that’s the thing, it’s hard. You really do have to learn. And that’s what I think finding a loving way to approach this. I think also a lot of the people that I work with and a lot of our listeners are approaching middle age or in that spot where things are maybe not like they used to be, and that’s when a lot of the stress and not being able to care for yourself in the way that you want can come to a head.Thais Harris (08:45):And I think especially in this age range when a lot of the women that I work with are moms, not exclusively, but a lot of them have had children and by the time they’re in menopause and they’re feeling like, okay, I’ve taken care of everybody else, now it’s time to do something different. Maybe they’re not feeling great. Usually they come to me when they’re not feeling great, but they don’t know what self-care means. I’ve actually had somebody tell me, I feel uncomfortable to take time for myself. I don’t know what self-care means. I need to learn that. And it may sound surprising to some of us, but it’s a reality that a lot of people face and I think especially as women with our roles of being the caretaker, sometimes it feels selfish to take care of ourselves or indulgent, and I’m not even talking about going to a spa or doing anything again, but just taking some time to do something.(09:47):We really need to get quiet and listen actually to our bodies. Sometimes we just need rest and we need to just not be helpful to anybody else for a second and not have a goal and not to just sit down, whether it’s with a book or in silence. And I think cultivating that listening is really important and not only just from being women and caretakers, but in our modern APAC world, there’s not a lot of emphasis on that. And so unlearning some of the, oh, that means being lazy or selfish or indulgent, just taking all those labels and judgments so we can connect to what do we really need in this moment and connecting to that love. Yeah,Amanda Testa (10:34):I think too, and I love your perspective here around being loving and the way you nourish yourself. I think even to a lot of the language we use around health is not really loving a workout, I’m going to lose weight. I’m going to whatever the things, it’s not very loving. And so I’m curious how you help people weave in nutrition and self-love together, how that’s such a huge aspect of it.Thais Harris (10:58):Such a great question. So one of the things I’ll give three when I’m working one-on-one with people are in groups actually too. Sometimes we can do this, of course one-on-one can be a little more, we can go a little more deeply, but we always start with a breathing exercise and I feel like the breath has such power to just a, bring us to the present moment. I know for me, I’m somebody who wakes up with their to-do list to right there. I open my eyes and it’s there. So it takes real effort for me to not go into that space first thing and really connect first to my body to a sense of gratitude and so on. And so we always start by doing a breathing exercise and I find that it’s really helpful to put a hand in the chest, we put a hand in the belly, the hand in the chest.(11:46):There’s some research that suggests that we actually release oxytocin, which is that wonderful feel good hormone that allows us to be more generous and spacious and caring. And of course evolutionarily that was so that when we feed our babies or hug our babies, there’s this connection when we put our hand in our chest, we’re doing that for ourselves so we can free up some of those hormones to just immediately first thing in the morning, feel good, feel open, and feel connected to ourselves. And the hand in the belly is part of just support and to connect with what’s happening inside the body. And so I always bring gratitude, first, gratitude for each one of our cells and the work they do 24 7, all the thousands of chemical reactions that are happening in our bodies every second to all the life that’s within us, our microbiome, there’s so much life outside of our own cells that’s actually working to help us thrive.(12:49):So remembering that and then also the gratitude for the DNA and all the wisdom that we carry in it from our ancestors. And from there we do this breathing, we continue and we get to a point where we’re actually doing a little visualization, kind of seeing what our picture of health and vibrancy is, because I really believe that connecting to that image is the first step to getting there, right? If we don’t know where we’re going, it’s hard. How do you get into a thing and you go from point A to point B if we don’t quite know what point B feels like or looks like. So that’s one way where I feel like that practice is already cultivating the self-love. Then the second thing is just inviting people to notice how they talk to themselves and what they think of themselves without judgment, but just curiosity of like, oh, that’s a message.(13:43):I say to myself again and again, and I’ve been doing this for a long time, I had an experience with or multiple experiences with skin cancer, and that was something that really forced me to really practice what I preach and to really do that as a conscious decision every day. But noticing those thoughts can be very helpful because then you can start to change them and to actually replace some of that narrative that’s inflammatory and hurtful and negative with something that’s positive and life affirming. Then there’s kind of the data piece. So when I’m working with clients, we also look at their labs. I use functional reports and functional lab so that we can really see what’s happening for them. We can look at their DNA and get a functional report analysis on their DNA to see some predispositions. Now we have, they’re working from the inside out, and then we also have the sort of external data that’s informing us about what’s happening for them. And then we can put the two together and really figure out what’s the priority and how do we find joy in working with this priority. Because with diet culture, I think so many of us are so used to work out harder, eat less, restrict, punish, and that doesn’t bring long-term results. I don’t thinkAmanda Testa (15:07):I agree with you there. I think it’s interesting too, one of the things that you mentioned earlier, which I think is true for a lot of busy people, is kind of relying on things that are maybe more convenient or just busy and just eating out or grabbing something, not having time to eat, so you just eat whatever’s left over your kids’ plate or those types of things. And I’m curious, what kind of maybe are there maybe any practices or techniques you can share around helping people create space to find more nutrition in their meals and what that could look like? What’s some doable ways that make it feel less overwhelming? I think a lot of times people think of wellness and nutrition and they’re like, oh, well then I’m going to have only eat kale, or, you know what I mean? And so you’re like, no, no. So I’m curious what are the ways that realistically people can make this doable? I’d love to hear your perspectives around that too. I love these. I mean, this is a huge part of it. Finding that kindness and compassion for yourself and really slowing down is such a huge piece when it comes to the nutrition, the food part, making it easy, what comes up around that.Thais Harris (16:18):It’s so true. I was teaching a class the other day, and I think this goes both for food, other lifestyle practices like movement. And somebody told me that they’d run, she runs, but she said, I hate it. And with every step I’m thinking, I hate this, I hate this, I hate this. Eventually I get to the place where I feel good, but I really don’t like it. And so we were trying to unpack what that meant. Why was she doing it in the first place, right? If it was so horrible, and even though she did have a benefit from it, it’s more stressful to the body. And so one of the things that, as I mentioned my dad and myself, it’s like relieving stress is so key because stress can really undermine our best efforts. We could eating the most perfect food in the world, and if we’re stressed out all the time, we’re not going to digest it properly and we’re going to accumulate some belly fat because of all the stress chemicals that keep happening.(17:17):So I think finding that place where you’re both actively supporting yourself by making conscious choices, like yes, there’s certain foods that can be delicious and they can be part of our feel good comfort stuff, but maybe if we know, for example, for me, I know gluten is not great for me. And every once in a while and I’ll have a grilled cheese, it’s one of those foods that, yeah, okay. And I take my digestive enzyme with it and call it a day. So the point being that even though I can’t do that every day, I can’t eat a grill’s cheese every day that wouldn’t support my health. I would feel horrible. So I’m not going to do it, not because I’m want to punish myself or restrict my diet, but because I love myself and I want to feel good and I want to have energy to do all the things I love and I want to access that place in me that wants to have fun with my partner and my child and all of those things.(18:20):So coming from that place when we’re choosing things that support us, so in my case, yes, I like kale, but I’ve also had clients just like with the woman with running that said, I really hate kale and I hate broccoli. Am I going to put broccoli and kale in her meal plan? Absolutely not. Because we start by, okay, so what do you love? That’s also supportive, not somebody had asked me and I said, well, I love grilled cheese. It’s like, well then I can’t just give you that. What else do you like that’s health supportive, that feels good in your body and that you have energy? And there are certain times where some of my clients don’t even know what that is. So we start more in an investigative journey and we’re kind of keeping track of what you wait and when and how you felt.(19:09):Sometimes immediately, sometimes a half hour later or even two to four hours later and they start noticing like, oh my gosh, I had one person tell me she had had stomach pain for the last 15 years. And then she did a process with me. We did an elimination diet. It’s a very gentle cleanse. And she said, I just thought that was my normal. I didn’t realize I could actually not feel that pain. And when she didn’t feel it and she’s like, oh, now I have so much more so energy to do the things I love doing, I just thought she was just dealing with this irritation that was just there every day and she just thought, that’s it. So paying attention I think is the first step so that you can really understand what really feeds you and what doesn’t and what’s actually draining you.(19:58):Then it’s easier to make those choices. And we’re all different. So like I said, when I work with DNA and labs for some of my clients, some of their food sensitivities are things that most people would consider very healthy, like broccoli and avocado. I’ve seen those things and cod and people’s sensitivity, and yet they were eating those foods. They thought they were healthy. So each person’s identifying how you feel, how foods feed you. If you eat something at lunch and by two o’clock you want to go to sleep, that’s not a regular way of being, right? When we think of circadian rhythm and how the rhythms of the day work, usually by two o’clock we would actually have a lot of energy. If we’re not, there’s probably something we’re eating in our lunch that’s draining our energy. So we start identifying what those are. And I feel like it’s pretty safe to say that there’s some generalized ideas of what supports health.(20:54):So a lot of greens, a lot of colorful foods, so vegetables are key. Again, for each person, there may be some changes of what the right combination of those veggies will be, but a lot of foods that are rich in fiber and then your proteins, and you can be very healthy as a vegan vegetarian, but it takes a lot of conscious effort to do that. So you’re getting all those amino acids, everything that we need and combining with the right kinds of fats too, because I think as a culture, we became so afraid of fat when fat has such an important job in every single one of our cells and in insulating our nerves. And so there’s a lot of different mental health conditions that can be helped by having the right amounts and kinds of fats. So I know I’m being very general here, but it really is about the combination, having a really good quality protein, having the right combination of fats, and then having a lot of the colorful full of antioxidant foods that are also full of fiber on a daily basis.(22:00):And then figuring out of those which ones you really like, and then we can focus on those for a while and then maybe slowly introduce maybe one or two new ones. I had a client that hated Brussels sprouts, but then she made after being on a plan for a little while, and when I say being on a plan is not like, here’s your plan, you do it. We workshop it together what they want to be eating. And then she’s like, okay, I’ll try a little bit of that Brussels sprout with bacon and it had balsamic vinegar and she loved it. And so sometimes it’s about the way we cook it and sometimes it’s just about getting to a place where we’re feeling good enough that we’re even willing to try.Amanda Testa (22:40):I think that’s so huge. I’m wondering too on that vein, are there certain foods or dietary practices that you often recommend to help people with their overall vitality and better resilience?Thais Harris (22:52):Yeah, so I personally subscribe to a paleo style diet. I’ve seen it do amazing things for a lot of people. However, I do have clients that are vegetarian, and so I don’t recommend it if somebody’s letting me know, I really don’t want to eat meat. So then we figure out how do we make the most with what you do eat? How do we combine those nuts and seeds and legumes and whole grains and make sure that you’re getting enough of what you need? What are the gaps that we need to look at with nutritional supplements because there are those gaps for vitamin D being a very important one, especially among vegetarian vegans. So we look at those details, we bridge those gaps. And like I said, personally, I like a paleo style diet and it works for me, my blood type, my DNA, it shows that I do really poorly with carbohydrate processing, so I have to be very careful.(23:53):I would not be able to rely on a grain diet, on a grain-based diet. So again, it comes to that special blueprint that each of us has. And yet when you look at a lot of research, when we look at traditional diets and by traditional, we’re looking at things for a long time ago, right before food was industrialized and processed, and we see what some of the healthier eating styles were. And then even to this day when we look at blue zones and we look at the Mediterranean diet, which again is not necessarily a paleo diet, but there are aspects of it that definitely overlap. And then the other thing about the blue zones is community, it’s social connections and it’s stress reduction and release and joyful movement. People walk or they dance, right? They’re not at the gym popping weights every day. So there are those items too. Yeah,Amanda Testa (24:55):I was thinking too, we were talking before we started recording about just even health is so important for feeling like you want to connect. I think there’s a lot of things wrapped up even in relationships around body image and feeling good. And also I know for many of my clients they are pretty healthy, but they want their partner to be. And so it’s like if you’re going to embark on a new way of eating and nourishing yourself and want to invite your family on board, these are three questions. So the first one is how does this react? How does this help with relationships? And then how do you encourage your partner to be maybe more helpful in their choices so that you can not have to make three meals and also encouraging your family too. So maybe if you could break those three down.Thais Harris (25:40):Yes. And I may need to ask you for a reminder. Of course. I love this question though because that happens so much. And I remember one of my first clients, she let me know right away, I’m just doing this for me. There’s no way my husband and daughter are ever going to eat like this. And because at the time I was very green, I feel like I didn’t have the right tools to help her get them on board. Because what happened was she did great for about two months and then it was too exhausting. She was making separate meals for herself and then for her family. And I have a child, he’s nine years old, and my husband and I know how hard it would be if I had to make separate meals. I cook a lot and even though my son sometimes has preferences and will have we little side things for him, it’s not making completely separate meal.(26:29):So that what you’re asking right now is really important because to make it sustainable for ourselves, it has to be something that you get some support at least from your family. And that sometimes if the husband wants something, and I have one family in particular that I can think of, he eats his lunches out when he’s at work and that’s where he gets the stuff that he’s not getting at home. And that was sufficient for him that at home he can totally be in partnership with his wife and eat the way that she needs to eat because they saw she was pre-diabetic, right? So we actually, I invite sometimes the partners to come into sessions just so they can understand from an external source and that is not the wife, here are the needs that we’re seeing. Here’s how we can improve these particular markers.(27:18):So can you be a support? And usually obviously there’s a lot of love in the relationship and they’re like, of course I can. And then in his case, he had the freedom to eat out and then one of the things she really needed was for him to not bring certain things in the house because she’s like, if it’s in the house, I’m going to eat it. And over time we’re able to work on that. And he just understood like, wow, she really can’t eat that particular food and that means I just can’t bring it in the house. And actually over time, it reduced his own consumption of a lot of different things and then he was feeling better and his knees weren’t hurting anymore. So there’s definitely this snowball effect that when you include both people and I think you show you have different needs, obviously he needed more calories than her, so he had more of a carte blanche in some areas, but being able to state there are different needs, but her life really depends on this. So can you be on board? So that was one thing. The other thing was help me, I have to go back and remember now.Amanda Testa (28:18):Yes. Well the first was yes. How do you get your partner on board, why it’s so important for relationships to have that? Because I think a lot of times when you’re unhealthy, of course it kills your sex hormones. There’s not a lot of desire. There’s maybe body image that’s keeping you from wanting to, and I’m not talking about losing weight or anything like that. I’m just talking about feeling good in your body so that you have no matter what you look like, that you just feel you have more energy or you feel more desire. And that was one of the questions too, why it’s important for relationships and also because you know mentioned your husband’s a psychotherapist and works with couples and worked with in this realm of seeing how it benefits relationships.Thais Harris (29:01):So that’s great. An example I love using is sometimes if we’re under-resourced, right, and we’re hangry, for example, anything somebody says, we can snap at them. And so imagine that happening again and again because day in and day out, one of the partners is under-resourced and is not getting enough protein or their blood sugar is in a roller coaster and that tends to be the worst one. We can get really moody and shaky and hangry again when our blood sugar is really wild and unbalanced. So that can create conflict in a relationship. And it’s not because there’s lack of love, it’s just because one person is really imbalanced. When I mentioned to the fats and a lot of issues with either mental clarity or anxiety, especially if somebody’s drinking a lot of caffeine and there are other imbalances and their nerves are not well insulated, they’re going to be on the edge all the time.(30:05):So that will also cause conflict in the relationship. So when each partner is actually tending to their needs, feeding themselves what they need, which often is a little bit different from each person, but if they can each agree come together, have meals together that feed both of their needs and then do things individually that are helping them, whether it’s different supplements, different amounts of food or different types of food altogether, now they’re coming into the relationship with their cup full, literally their body is not completely stressed out because they’re not getting enough nutrients and they can actually more fully show up for their partner for their life in general. So the example I was going to give, it’s going out to eat and just noticing, sometimes people go to a restaurant and start with drinks. And so if somebody ate maybe at noon or one, and I remember this from my life way back when in San Francisco before my nutrition sunshine of maybe having lunch at my corporate job in my lunch hour, but then meeting my partner for dinner and starting with a glass of wine or with any other alcoholic beverage.(31:22):At that point I had had an empty stomach for several hours. I was under-resourced, now I’m adding a little alcohol to the fire and it could, I remember getting really moody and snappy and things that now I’m completely under-resourced, my body’s trying to figure out what to do. The liver’s processing the alcohol and liver has direct relationship with anger and sort of being sour. When you feel sour and you think of what the liver’s doing in Chinese medicine, there’s a lot of information about that and why that connection is. And so to me, it was very interesting once I learned about nutrition that even to have a little spoonful of olive oil before having that first drink just coded the stomach lining, coded everything so that drink wouldn’t have quite the fiery effect that it had or better yet actually eat a snack at least a couple hours before going to that dinner or skipping and waiting, either not having alcohol at all or having a little bit after you’ve already started eating your meal and you have something to ground you and so you’re not hangry low blood on top of having alcohol. So that’s just kind of a clear example of how sometimes just making a choice to support what the body needs, really getting curious and listening what my body really needs because then we can go and be in relationship and be with other people and not be freaking out on the inside because the body is stressed.Amanda Testa (32:59):I love those tips. That’s very helpful. And the last part was you spoke to it a little bit, but I’m wondering if you can share a little bit more around how to support, because I know you work with families as well, so getting the families on the same page, but specifically with kids, and I feel like when kids are little, they’ll pretty much eat whatever, but then when they start to get their own opinions or they’re in school and they have a lot of choices that aren’t healthy, and they’re like, yes, I want the honey bun or whatever that they like to get from the vending machine at school. But I’m curious, what are the things that, how can you influence your kids too? I think that’s a big thing.Thais Harris (33:35):The first one is knowing that they’re always paying attention and they don’t as much do what we tell them they do what they see, what we show them. And I think, so leading by example here is a lot. And the caveat to that is just as moms as a mother myself, I already feel so much responsibility to model things for my son. So I want to make sure that I’m not any stress to anybody here, but just even if the thing that you’re modeling is self-love and going beyond the self-esteem and self-acceptance, but this love that’s like knowing when you need rest, being able to say, honey, I just need to take 15 minutes right now. And so I’ve said this to my son even like I am feeling a little off. I really want to be present with you. I want to play with you, but something’s keeping me from that, so I need to take 10 minutes and just kind of shut down for a second and then I’m going to reboot and be more present.(34:35):So trusting that the little ways in which we model self-care and self-love will make their way to their lifestyle, even if it’s not now, but eventually. So modeling that. Then the second, when it comes to the food itself, I think it’s always having the healthy options. And what I mean by healthy options is if for yourself like Okay, I really need to eat some more vegetables and I’m going to focus on sourcing really good quality meats and protein. Maybe that’s a hypothetical person here that’s saying, I’m going to eat more vegetables and focus on the quality of my meats. That’s a couple of ways they’re going to pay attention. That child is going to be getting the benefit of that healthy protein or the higher quality protein. And even if they go me don’t want the vegetables, keep having it on hand and keep offering and make it different ways.(35:37):Sometimes I’ll tell my son, you can try it. I know you didn’t like it last time you had it, but you liked it a few times before, so this might be one of those times you can try it. If you don’t like it, you can spit it out. That’s my way of helping my son take out the risk. Yeah, I like that we have to remove the risk and I don’t want him to also feel like you have to eat this to get that. And at one point I definitely use that tactic, which I’m not greatly proud of, but it’s too, I think it just sets a tone. We don’t want to go eat this so you can have dessert, meaning dessert is more special than this and this is your punishment for getting to that. It just sets up a really weird thing around food.(36:22):So the idea is just try it. If you don’t like it, it can spit it out. There’s no risk and you might like it. And there was one time where he was really resistant. I said, okay, I’m just going to tell you this one time and then if you still feel like you really don’t want it, I’m totally okay with it. But right now, this is coming out of love. This is causing such an amazing fireworks experience in my mouth right now because these flavors are so yummy that because I love you, I want you to experience that too. And it may be that for you, you put it in and you say, oh, this is not fireworks. This is do dot and fill in the blank for me, but I want to know how it goes for you. And he goes, okay. So he tried it and he liked it, and I don’t remember what his word was to describe, it wasn’t fireworks, but just opening that invitation like, oh, what could this be for you?(37:13):This is what it tastes like to me. I am curious what this will remind you of or tastes like for you. So bringing more playfulness so that they’re more curious than they are feeling like they have to. And then I often have conversations about what supports my health, and one of the things that I love is sushi, but sushi totally skyrockets my blood sugar. And I work with continuous glucose monitors and I’ve tried several of them. And sushi not great for me, especially if it has the rice and everything else. And my son loves sushi, so sometimes I just tell him, it doesn’t work for me. We don’t know how it acts for you, but since you feel good and you’re like, it’s so much, sure have some, but I’m going to have the other one. I’ll either have skinny sushi or I’m eating something else entirely.(38:00):And so he knows I’m just taking care of my needs. And so I got to trust that eventually that will, and he’s made over time, there’s been certain decisions or where he’ll eat something that’s very sweet and then wrap the rest away to have later little ways in which I invite him. I could just check in with your tummy, see what your tummy’s saying, or if something, if you’re really thirsty after eating something that might be saying that’s too much. So give it some time. Then have another piece. So ways that are pressure free to help them also connect to what they need. And I think ultimately it’s what we want for ourselves and for them is that they can develop that circuit of, oh, I ate this, I feel this way, or Oh, I eat this and I feel great. Give me more of that. My son loves bone broth and I think he just feels good. And so it’s like, okay, give me some broth. Yeah,Amanda Testa (39:03):I love that. I’m wondering too, so I appreciate all that you’ve shared and I feel like I could keep talking to you because I always find so much volume in these conversations around nutrition. I know for myself, I always love to learn too, but I’m wondering if there maybe is a question that I didn’t ask that you really wish I would’ve asked or any, and then I want to also make sure you have time to share where everyone can connect with you, but maybe if there’s any other things that you wanted to share that I didn’t ask about.Thais Harris (39:28):Yeah, thinking the whole family and relationship piece, I think bringing to mind this notion of diet as an acronym for daily intake of everything, which is something that my husband, as you said, is a psychotherapist, somatic psychotherapist, and we have done some work around merging our areas of psychotherapy, nutrition, holistic nutrition and wellness in general and what it means to really see ourselves whole. Unfortunately, I think there’s been some separation around what mental health is and what health is, and it’s all one, it’s body, mind, soul, and it’s all connected. And so what are the ways that we can support all three? And so really paying attention to what it is that you feed yourself with every day. Foods, beverages, thoughts, media. I remember when my son was very little, I would drive him to daycare on my way to work and I would be listening to classical music or it was always very pleasing, very sweet.(40:41):And I would drop him off at the daycare and then I would switch to the news channel. And I remembered on several occasions then arriving where feeling really agitated. There was a lot of political stuff happening around this time. So this was eight years ago. Yeah, seven and a half. So I would be so activated and I realized, oh my gosh, I’m actually creating inflammation for myself. I’m going from this great, I want to make sure that my baby’s environment is pristine. And then the minute he’s gone, I’m going and getting all agitated and inflamed because of these news. And so I just stopped listening and I’m still, I would go and read sometimes, but there’s something, even like reading can be so different than listening, especially when somebody has very inflammatory statements they’re making in the news. And so I had to just notice I was choosing an inflammatory thing and I could choose differently.(41:40):And so what would it be like to just listen to that classical music all the way to work, especially as I’m going into this environment that’s all about leave your worries behind, walk into this place with love. This is where we were making these meals for our cancer clients. And so it had to be a conscious choice to choose something that was going to feed my body, mind, soul in a different way. And so I think that’s one thing that I just love to leave everybody with, just considering what’s in your diet, what is the thing you’re taking in every day, and is there a way to find balance? For some people they’re like, I care. I will not watch the news or listen to the news. Then can you do it maybe every other day or what would help you then bring peace to your body after you’re done with the news? So yeah.Amanda Testa (42:34):Beautiful. Well thank you so much and I love it that you could share where everyone can find out more about you and connect with you.Thais Harris (42:40):Thank you. So my website is nourish together.com and I’m on Instagram @nourish.together. And if you go to selflove.nourishtogether.com you can download a little PDF on the three mindset shifts to Love Ourselves and to Better Health. And I’m also a co-author and book called The Life-Changing Power of Self-Love. And that book is available on Amazon. It was published November 6th by Brave Healer, and it’s been just wonderful the reviews we’re getting. It’s really having a very positive effect in the world. So check it out.Amanda Testa (43:22):Amazing. And for everyone listening, I’ll put everything in the show notes so that you can learn more about Thais and Nourish together. And thank you so much again for being here.Thais Harris (43:32):Thank you so much.Amanda Testa (43:34):It was so lovely. And thank you all for listening, and we will see you soon. Thank you for listening to the Find Your Feminine Fire Podcast. If you love this episode, please go ahead and forward it right now to someone who would love it. And if you’ve not yet had a chance to leave us a rave review on Apple Podcasts, please make sure to rate and review if you enjoyed the podcast as well as make sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. Thanks for listening, and we’ll see you next week.

“Help! I’ve Lost My Libido, What Do I Do?” with Amanda Testa

November 30, 2023

“Help I’ve Lost My Libido!”with Amanda Testa

In the dynamic, often overwhelming whirl of life, it’s not uncommon to find ourselves grappling with a lost sense of sexual desire.

In this week’s episode of the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast, I’m delving into this delicate and profound topic, offering insights and strategies for those who find themselves whispering, “Help, I’ve lost my libido. What do I do?”

Listen in to discover:

✨Understanding the nature of libido

✨The multi-pronged causes of diminished desire

✨ How lifestyle foundational affects libido

✨ Practical strategies for revival

✨ Why solving the problem doesn’t happen overnight

✨ How to embrace the continual quest for pleasure

and more!

Listen below, or tune in via: Apple Podcasts, Spotify or your fave pod player.

(Complete transcript below)

JOIN IN THE DISCUSSION ON THIS EPISODE AND MORE IN MY FREE FACEBOOK GROUP, FIND YOUR FEMININE FIRE HERE.

Amanda Testa is a trusted healer, coach, and guide who’s served hundreds of clients over the years with masterful skills in coaching, pleasure embodiment, and somatic trauma resolution.

Her clients tenderly heal their relationship with their sexuality, shamelessly embrace pleasure, own their sexy confidence, and cultivate deeply connected relationships with her fiercely loving support.

When she’s not leading transformative sessions, you can find her snuggling her kiddo, flirting with her sexy hubs, playing in nature, enjoying live music, and having epic conversations about sex with fellow experts on her Find Your Feminine Fire podcast.

Want more support from Amanda? Schedule a confidential 1-1 call with Amanda⁠ here.

If you liked this episode, please consider giving me a 5 Star Review on Apple Podcasts! It truly does help the podcast grow.

Have a topic or question you’d like Amanda to address on a future episode? Submit it on this anonymous form.

Speaker 1 (00:01):Hello and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. I am your host, Amanda Testa. I am a sex, love and relationship coach, and in this podcast, my guests and I talk sex, love, and relationships and everything that lights you up from the inside out. Welcome(00:21):”Help, I’ve lost my libido. What do I do?” This is a question that I get so often and I wanted to do a podcast around this because it’s been a while and this is such a multi-pronged question and such a multi-pronged solution I might say, because one of the things about when someone loses their libido, there’s usually multiple causes. It’s not something that you can just take a pill and fix overnight. I know that we wish there was, some out there, but they don’t really work that way. So just know if this is you, that this is a really common thing.(00:54):First of all, I want to just explain a little bit about what I mean by libido when I’m talking about it, because typically when people come to me, what they’re saying is they want to have more desire. They want to want to have sex, they want to feel good when they have sex, they want to enjoy more pleasure. So that’s what I’m speaking to here. And if this is you, listen up. I want to share some really great tips with you today. So first of all, one of the first things that you want to do when you are kind of looking at your life and saying, all right, this is an area that I really want to improve. Oftentimes, there’s not one straw that broke the camel’s back, right? There’s typically many. And so this might just be the final thread on a lot going on in your life.(01:38):So first of all, you want to make sure that you’ve ruled out all health concerns, that you don’t have any kind of major health concern going on, because that too can affect your libido. And also sometimes there’s seasons of life where you’re going to be in a season where it’s a winter where you’re not going to have a lot of libido. Maybe you’ve had a death in the family, maybe you’ve gone through a tragedy, maybe you have been sick, maybe you’re going through treatment for cancer. Who knows, right? There’s so many things and you’re not meant to be have your libido 100% all the time. That’s just not normal. We fluctuate. We have cycles. We have cycles throughout the month. If you’re still bleeding, then you’ll notice that your desire changes throughout the month. If you are in menopause, you’ll notice that there’s seasons as well.(02:24):So it’s just honoring first of all where you are and just taking stock. I’m in a place where this is really my top priority, and if so, great and if not great, we can find many ways to find joy and pleasure in our lives, and this is just one of the many ways. So I always want to invite that in. Also, when it comes to that, looking at the lens of your life and where you can invite in more joy and pleasure, maybe it’s that you are just stressed to the gills, right? Maybe you’re running at a hundred miles an hour every day without a break, without slowing down. Could this be you?(03:06):I know many of my clients are in this role. They’re very successful, driven people that have a lot on their plate. Most of my clients are moms, right? They have big jobs or businesses that they’re running. They have a family, they have a partner, they have a lot going on. They’re also trying to do good in the world. And so being creative and nurturing themselves in the mix of everything can be challenging. So when it comes to that, you also kind of want to take a look at your life. Are you doing the things that bring you joy and pleasure or not? Are you saying yes to things that you really want to say no to? Are you moving toward the things that you’re like, Ugh, I don’t really want to do this, but I feel like I have to, so I guess I’ll, right?(03:48):Or are you really taking stock of, am I going to make a decision that’s going to best serve me right now? And here’s a little tip right now I’m going to share. One tip that I think is so key is you don’t have to answer anything right away. If someone asks you for something, you can give it twenty-four hours. If someone wants you to respond to something, you don’t have to do it immediately. We are so conditioned that we have to immediately respond to something. We get an email. We have to immediately respond. If we get a text, we have to immediately respond. If someone asks us to do something, we have to immediately respond, and you don’t. That is just a reaction that you can slow down and pause and think, is this really in my best interest? Yes or no? Do I need more time to think about it?(04:28):Yes or no? Right? And give yourself what you need there. Sometimes when we were looking at our lifestyle, there’s some changes that might need to happen because when we’re looking at libido, sex drive, desire, there are many. There’s a multi-pronged approach. And the first one of those is looking at your lifestyle. Where can you make more choices that are serving you? Where can you make more time for yourself? Where can you bring in more opportunity to do the things that light you up? One of the practices I often have my clients do when we first start working together is to take some time and literally give yourself 30 minutes. Write down the things that you want right now. I know this is November when I’m recording this episode, and the holidays are upon us, and this is a really hectic time of life, and it can feel hard to put yourself first anytime of the year, but especially now because there’s a lot of additional pressure and there’s so much world stress going on.(05:32):There’s the collective stress that you’re holding as well as your own personal stress and everything else that’s going on in your community. So there’s a lot. And so knowing I’m going to invite you right now as you look into the month of December that is approaching us, what are the things that you want? What do you need? What would you love to experience? And give yourself 30 minutes and just write. You can draw if that’s more, if that helps you get it out. But just give yourself that time because when even 10 minutes isn’t magical, because 10 minutes can feel like an eternity sometimes when you’re writing down what you want. Because for so many people they don’t know. They don’t even know that’s the last thing they’ve ever thought about because it’s always taking care of everyone else. And we’re not doing this to be selfish or to negate the fact that there’s things that need to be done, but it’s like, what do you really want?(06:20):And it can help you get to that because when we can start to connect the things that light us up to our desires, that is a really huge step in getting your libido back. You want to find the things that make you feel good and do more of those things, right? Because then you’re not starting at zero trying to get to 60 when you’re doing the things that light you up when you’re taking care of yourself, when you are involved in your community and being have relationships that are fulfilling, then you’re feeling more around like you’re humming around at a happier, maybe 15 or 20. So then when it comes time for sex or intimacy, then it’s much more easy to get in the mood. So these are some ways that you can kind of get your motor humming, so to speak, is just by tuning into the things that give you joy. So that’s your first little project here, okay? Write down the things that you desire.(07:12):Next is the other thing that I think is really important for people to understand is understanding how your body works. This is such a huge thing because again, we are very conditioned to think certain parts of our body are dirty, wrong, shameful, sinful. And I believe this is not the case. I believe we are divinely made, and every part of us is divinely made, and every part of us is magical and mystical and deserves to be adored. We need to be curious about our own body. We need to be curious about our own being. We need to always explore what are the things that feel good to my body? What are the things that I don’t like? And this changes and evolves. It changes on a daily basis. And so taking time to get to know your body is really important. And maybe that’s something that feels hard for you.(08:04):Maybe that’s something that feels exciting for you. Maybe you love to take care of yourself in that way, and maybe you have a regular self-pleasure practice that you already do. But I encourage people to do this because one of the things I’ve seen time and time again, it’s like anything, right? You can read a book, you can listen to a podcast, you can do all the things, but until you actually do the thing, do the practice, you’re not going to get the result. You can read about losing weight. You can read about getting strong. You can read about building muscle, but until you actually lift a weight, you’re not going to do it. So it’s the same type of thing with our sexuality. It’s part of our overall health and wellness. And I really like to encourage people that you got to have a sexual wellness routine.(08:50):You got to have a sexual fitness routine, and you don’t need to call it that. I don’t like to call it that personally because I think it’s always something I want to do, right? I’ve had a long journey with that too. That’s for another podcast. But just what are the things that make your body feel good? And how can you do more of those things? Maybe it’s like just moving your hips a little bit to a song in the morning. Maybe it’s doing some gentle yoga. Maybe it’s meditating. I teach a lot of this when I’m working with clients. I have a lot of strategies around how to learn your body, how to figure out what it likes and wants, how to give those things to your body, how to communicate with your partner about this so that in the end, you are much more sensually alive.(09:31):You’re enjoying so much more pleasure in your body, and you know how to make your body come alive. And again, and I want to just remind people this, it sometimes takes time. This is a journey. This is not overnight, and I think everybody wants a quick fix. I know, I know. But let me just tell you, once you start to make the changes, little subtle shifts start to happen. And when you look back over a few months and you start noticing these subtle shifts, it’s actually huge. The momentum is huge. And so I say this because I think people can get discouraged that, oh, I tried this and it didn’t work, or I did this one time and it didn’t work. It takes repetition. It takes doing things over time to make it easier. Your body is an instrument and you have to learn to play it.(10:18):And just like any instrument that you’re learning, you’re not going to whip out the cello and be yo-yo ma. It takes practice, it takes study, it takes dedication. And it’s the same with our sexuality. These are learned skills. I want to just remind people of that that’s the good news, the good news that these are learned skills. Anybody can learn them. Maybe you’ve never even had an orgasm before. Maybe you don’t even know what that feels like. You can learn how to do it. It might just take a little extra time if you’ve never figured that out yet. And it’s no fault of our own if we have it because we’ve never been taught this, right? Most of us never got great sex ed. Most of us never got pleasure based sex ed. So you’re not alone if this is you. And so I just want to remind you that it’s okay.(11:02):You can figure this out. Take a breath and you can figure this out. I know what happens to a lot of my clients is because right now I’m in this phase two of perimenopause where things that used to work don’t work the same way. Things that used to feel really good might not feel the same anymore. And so maybe there’s more numbness. Maybe it takes longer to get aroused, maybe it takes more patience. And this is the kind of thing that you can start to learn the more you work with your body and the more you learn your instrument is a lot of compassion for yourself, a lot of compassion that it might take longer, that you might need to do things differently. But a ten-minute quickie isn’t going to do it for you and create it. There’s nothing wrong with a ten-minute quickie. Sometimes that’s fun too, and sometimes it can feel fun just to connect in that way. But for the majority of women, women, for the majority of full-bodied humans out there, it takes an average of forty-five minutes to be fully turned on, to be fully engorged, to have all your erectile tissue, fully engorged and full of blood and ready for fun. And let me ask you, when was the last time that you had an experience that allowed that to happen for you?(12:20):Happen? And it’s not like you need that all the time, but it’s so beautiful when you can have it. My husband and I, we have a tradition that this is an amazing tradition, and I’m so grateful to my sweet mama because she makes it possible. As she usually comes out around Thanksgiving holiday week, she usually comes out over the holidays, and when she’s here, we sneak away for a night somewhere, usually at a hotel in Denver nearby a little staycation. But it is so impactful to have that time, and that’s the luxury. We don’t get to do that all the time. We don’t get to do that hardly ever. So when we can do that, it’s incredible how connected we are to be able to have the extra time to be able to just hang out, not have to take care of anyone else, just to be alone with your partner.(13:12):It’s so huge. So maybe you can get creative and figuring out how you could carve out more time for yourself. It doesn’t have to be a whole night, it could just be an afternoon, a morning, but making time to nourish yourself and your relationship is so key. Making time is a big point here. I get that can be hard, but anything that you want to flourish, you have to make time for. And this is what happens a lot of times with my clients that are going through premenopause, as I just mentioned, is we need more time. We don’t have, there’s less patience maybe that you have. Maybe you’re in a rut, maybe you’ve been in a relationship for a long time now and you’re like, things are boring. And I saw the funniest, this funniest reel my sister sent me today, and I was dying. So in this reel, it’s a comedy reel. This guy’s dressed up like the wife, and she’s like, I just think we’ve lost our spark. And it spans over, pans over to the husband, and he’s like, had a cpap on, and he’s taking off the cpap and he’s got to take off his eye mask. And then he takes off his nose strip and he’s taking out his mouth guard and slobbering, and he puts his glasses on.(14:24):And I was dying because how true is that? When you’ve been in a long-term relationship, sometimes you just have to laugh at just how you are. You’re just in it together, which is beautiful too. But sometimes that kind of takes the spark away when you’re like, all right, here we are. I know my husband and I have taken pictures like that before. He with a cpap and me with my eye mask and stripping all the things. Oh, but that’s the fun, that intimacy, the vulnerability of being fully yourself with someone. So what can you do then is here’s what I often tell people, because for most of us, not everyone, but for a lot of people, the end of the day is not the best time to have sex. You’re tired, you’re touched out, you have decision fatigue. You just want to go to bed often.(15:06):And when you’re younger, that might’ve been great, but the older you get, you’re tired. And so it’s getting creative when you find times to connect. So I always love midday if you both work from home, which a lot of people do now, making time to meet for lunch at your house when the kids are at school, making time to meet for morning connection, like weekends. Maybe you can send the kids to a neighbor on a Saturday morning or a Sunday morning or something like that. It’s getting creative to find time to connect where you might’ve find just different times of the day that might work better for you nowadays. So that’s kind of thing I’m talking about when you’re kind of reviewing your lifestyle, is it when am I at my best? When do I actually want to connect? And also, I’ve talked about this before on the podcast, but everyone has different ways that they like to connect.(16:03):Sometimes people need an emotional connection first. Sometimes people are purely physical. A lot of the times I work with my clients on the erotic blueprints as well, because this is a way you can learn your sexual style, so to speak, so that you can find new ways to come together with your partner. And the more you learn about each other and the more you try new things, the deeper you can go. That’s one of the things I love about sacred sexuality and what I love to teach clients around sacred sexuality is because there’s the depth there. There’s so much depth and richness when you can merge that spiritual connection with your sexuality, with your partner in new ways. And again, that’s not for everyone. Everybody has different styles and different things they enjoy, but when you have the willingness to explore and the willingness to just have fun and be silly about it, because sometimes like anything, right, you’ll have your comedic moments.(16:57):My husband and I were recently, we were testing out a course for some friends of mine, and one of the lessons was around these hip swivels and doing different hip swivels together. And we were laughing so hard because again, I think this is one of the times where my husband had something wrong with his hip. And then I was think this thing that happened as we age and you just have to laugh and go through it because we’re normal. That’s going to happen. That’s life. And the more you just take it in stride and laugh and move forward the better. And sometimes laughter can be a huge connector. It can be a huge energy release. And so that can be really sexy too when you can keep moving forward. So another thing I want to just point on really quick is everyone has their own opinion about hormonal treatments and this, that and the other, but you always wanted to carefully discuss that with a healthcare provider.(17:54):And I am, I’m a coach, I’m not a doctor, so that is not something that I work with specifically, but I think that’s a personal decision that everyone has to make what feels right for them, because some people have great results with it, some people don’t want to do it. And no matter how you choose to move forward, you can find ways holistically to improve your sex life. And the reason, that’s another reason why I really find sensual self-care practices are really essential, especially as we age is because anything, you have to use it so you don’t lose it. Especially as we age, it’s just like building muscle. It’s a lot harder to do as we age, and we do not want to lose that muscle so we can be strong and be able to enjoy our life through the decades. The same is true with our sexuality.(18:43):The more you take care of your vulva, the more you bring pleasure to your genitals, the more blood flows there, the more sensate flows there, the more the nerves are healthy, all of that makes a difference. And so again, this is why you want to continually take care of yourself, and it doesn’t have to be an everyday thing, but just some kind of continual care, some kind of continual attention. And so many times I will work with clients and they are connecting with their bodies in ways they never have. And there can often be emotions to work through. There’s often a lot to work through if it’s something that’s been neglected for a while, because that part of you can feel it has this consciousness, I believe, and it can feel neglected or sad and is happy you’re coming back to give it attention. It’s just like any part of you, right?(19:31):If you haven’t worked out for two years and you want to go try to go take a workout class, you’re probably going to be super sore the next day. But you want to keep moving forward, the muscles are going to start getting stronger. The same with your pelvic floor. That’s another big part of it is your pelvic floor strength. So these are all aspects we look at when we work together. And so I want to recap a little bit. I know I’ve been talking about a lot of different things today, but really just to kind of break it down, help, I’ve lost my libido. What do I do? Number one, you don’t want to rule out anything that’s major in any major medical issue. Number two, you want to give yourself grace if you’re at a season of winter and know that’s normal. Number three, you want to start remembering the things that light you up.(20:19):I want to start remembering the things that bring you joy, like the desire list I told you about. Number four, you want to check out your lifestyle. What can you change potentially in your schedule? What can you say no to that’s not lighting you up? What can you do to make sure that you are taking a little bit better care of yourself, making time to maybe incorporate some sensual self-care, right? That’s number five. And that’s one of the reasons why I have my pleasure membership called the Pleasure Foundation. It’s basically a central self-care salon where you can come in twice a month and enjoy a breath work practice or a pleasure ritual and just to be able to have those little touch points to learn how to connect with your body. And then you also, the other thing is looking at it like a wellness routine.(21:07):Your sexual wellness is an important part of your overall health, and so it’s something that needs to be nourished and cared for, and there’s tools that you can do to learn. So it’s a learned skill, but maybe it’s like, how can I be more open to this? How could I potentially learn more about how to do this? How can I learn more about my body? How can I learn more about the things that I want to enjoy? How can I have better be able to talk about this more easily with my partner? And these are all, I have a lot of resources like this that are free. You can also go to amandatessa.com and you can check out all the free resources. I do have a ton or you’ve reach out to me. And also making sure working the pelvic floor, all these things, there’s a lot, because there’s often times pelvic pain, right?(21:53):So there’s a multi-pronged approach here. But I just want to give you some basic tips that you can use to get your libido humming again. And even if you just take one thing away from this podcast, if you just write down that desire list and start doing some things on that list, I’m going to tell you, you’re going to start to notice some shifts. And when you start to notice some shifts, you start making more changes so that you do find more pleasure and joy, and then you make more changes. And that’s how it works, because it’s not overnight, but it’s finding the doable ways to keep moving forward, the doable ways to approach the things that might feel hard and not overwhelming yourself, but doing it in a way that is actually sustainable. That’s another big part of it. So thank you for listening.(22:41):And if you are inspired to learn more, then I encourage you to reach out again. You can go to Amandatessa.com and you can find out all the ways to get some free resources or work with me if that feels like something that’s aligned for you. And as we move into the holidays, this is again a crazy time. So thinking about that as well, what could I do to make sure that I am not over committing myself, that I am setting some realistic boundaries and really doing those things so that you can emerge on the other side feeling better, and that you also have the time to do the things that are important to you and care for the people that are important to you and the causes that are important for you, and doing the things that you need to do to make the world better place, right?(23:35):Sending you much love. And we’ll see you next week. Thank you so much for listening to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. This is your host, Amanda Tessa. And if you have felt a calling while listening to this podcast to take this work to a deeper level, this is your golden invitation. I invite you to reach out. You can contact me at amandatesta.com slash activate and we can have a heart to heart to discuss more about how this work can transform your life. You can also join us on Facebook and the group Find Your Feminine Fire Group. And if you’ve enjoyed this podcast, please share with your friends. Go to iTunes and give me a five star rating and a rating review so I can connect with other amazing listeners like yourself. Thank you so much for being a part of the community.

Resourcing and Stress Management Techniques for Challenging Times

November 14, 2023

Resourcing and Stress Management Techniques for Challenging Timeswith Amanda Testa

If you’re feeling overwhelmed with all that is happening in the world, listen in to this week’s Find Your Feminine Fire podcast to discover some tools to help support yourself.

In this episode I’m sharing some simple yet powerful tools to find pockets of relative stability in these chaotic times.

Tune in to discover:

✨The Power of Resourcing: Learn what resourcing is and how it can be a game-changer in managing stress.

✨Crafting Your Support List: I’ll guide you through creating a personalized support list, a practical tool for feeling more capacity to handle hard things.

✨Building Community and Connection: Understand why nurturing connections and community is essential, and learn how to cultivate these supportive networks, especially in times like these.

Listen in on your fave pod player.Sending you much love,Amanda

Listen below, or tune in via: Apple Podcasts, Spotify or your fave pod player.

(Complete transcript below)

JOIN IN THE DISCUSSION ON THIS EPISODE AND MORE IN MY FREE FACEBOOK GROUP, FIND YOUR FEMININE FIRE HERE.

Check out the links from this podcast here:

Feeling safe when the world is scary

Amanda Testa is a trusted healer, coach, and guide who’s served hundreds of clients over the years with masterful skills in coaching, pleasure embodiment, and somatic trauma resolution.

Want more support from Amanda? Schedule a confidential 1-1 call with Amanda⁠ here.

If you liked this episode, please consider giving me a 5 Star Review on Apple Podcasts! It truly does help the podcast grow.

Have a topic or question you’d like Amanda to address on a future episode? Submit it on this anonymous form.

Amanda Testa (00:01):Hello and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire Podcast. I am your host, Amanda Testa. I am a sex, love and relationship coach, and in this podcast, my guests and I talk sex, love, and relationships and everything that lights you up from the inside out. Welcome. Hello and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. This is your host, Amanda Testa, and I just wanted to start with saying thank you for listening to the podcast. I’m so grateful that you are here and in times like this, it can feel really challenging to go about your daily tasks and do all the things that must be done. And I just want to just give a little hug to your heart if that’s where you are right now. I know for myself, I’ve been feeling that big time and I, I’ve been doing every other week podcasts because I need a little break after putting out a weekly podcast every day for four years.(01:03):It’s a lot and I so appreciate it. I love being able to talk to so many amazing people and to just share my heart with you. So that’s what I’m here to do today. I actually just finished a four day somatic training, which I’m always learning new things and I love that, and it just reinforces a lot of what I already do and know, but with’s different nuances. And I think something that I saw that was really powerful this weekend is so many different people from all backgrounds and walks of life and places in the world and coming together to really try to help people.(01:43):And I think one of the things when you have an empathetic, caring personality like that or heart like that, there are so many healers that I see that also take on a lot and hold a lot and are having a hard time because I think as we do this work, of course we know the things to take care of our own selves so that we can be good at our jobs and holding space for our clients, but also just honoring when it’s hard and sometimes it’s hard. And so I just want to give you some tools that might help you if it feels hard right now. It is hard and you’re not alone if that’s how you feel.(02:32):So first of all, I want to share a tool that I really find powerful around trying to find some elements of stability when things feel chaotic. And one of the ways that you can do that is just here and now taking a moment and feeling into where you are in time and space, maybe even looking at the time wherever you are, when you’re hearing this, what time is it? What day is it? Taking yourself to this present moment right here and now, because truly that’s what we have. And when we feel a lot of anxiety about the future or fear or worry, and it can be really hard to feel present. And when we are able to find more capacity in ourselves, we do have a better capacity to show up with more creativity, with more problem solving, with more of our best self so that we can take the steps that we need.(03:38):So for first thing, noticing where you are in time and space, maybe just kind of feeling the weight of your body. Maybe you’re taking a walk, maybe you’re driving, maybe you’re cleaning the house, whatever you’re doing, just notice where you’re standing and maybe even just if you want to pause for one second and just feel your feet on the ground where you are right now. Maybe even looking around your space and noticing what kind of things help you feel. Maybe just more secure in this moment. Maybe it’s that the sun is shining or maybe it’s that you have a loved one nearby, or maybe it’s that you hear a familiar sound in the background, maybe even looking around over your shoulders, really looking around your space, noticing if there’s anything in your space that you like to look at.(04:29):I’m noticing in my space, I have this pillow over on my couch in my office that’s like gold and sparkly, and I’m noticing all my blankets all cuddled up on the bed or on the couch from when I was doing my training this weekend. I spent some time cuddled up on the couch. And maybe just even noticing these little pockets that feel safe enough to lean into a little more. Maybe there’s an image that comes to mind for you of a memory or a time that felt just so good. Maybe you were surrounded by people you love. Maybe you were being hugged by someone you love. Maybe you’re laughing with a friend. Maybe you’re enjoying something beautiful in nature.(05:24):Maybe you’re enjoying a book. Maybe just taking a minute to think about that moment, what you were doing, where you were, what made it good, were the elements that brought peace and pleasure to that experience. And even as you think of that, maybe just noticing what you’re feeling even at the level of maybe your breath or your body temperature, or maybe if there’s anything bubbling up that you notice, just kind of allowing whatever is there to be, or maybe allowing your mind to go back to that memory or that thought of a time where you just felt really good and felt comfortable and held and connected. Or if that feels hard to connect to maybe envisioning what that could be like maybe even here and now, just noticing what might feel comfortable in your experience that you’re having right here and now. Maybe how that felt to tune into that memory of something that felt good. Oftentimes, it can bring a shift in our nervous system when we can connect to something that brings us joy or love or connection.(07:11):And so some of these little tools I like to call resources or one of my mentors, Rachael Maddox calls it the big exhale list. Things that just help you feel relaxed, things that help you feel more present, things that help you feel just like your whole body is relaxing. And sometimes even just bringing yourself to this present moment, thinking about a time or a memory where things felt really good can bring you back to that space. Even in your physiology. I want to share a few more things that might be something that you could connect to on this full body exhale list. It could be you want it to be really simple things, right? So maybe it’s take a shower and get dressed and clothes that make you feel good. Maybe it’s that you clean up your space a little bit. Maybe you watch a funny video on YouTube. Maybe you read a little bit of your favorite book. Maybe you drink a glass of water. Maybe you take three deep breaths with audible exhales heels. Maybe. Let’s do that now. Maybe you want to turn on your favorite song and just let your body move and shake and dance and shake it out. Maybe you want to create a community of support for yourself. Maybe there’s a best friend that you want to reach out to and connect with. Maybe you(08:54):Could make a list of the people that you really enjoy spending time with that make you feel good, that make you feel seen, that make you feel connected, and make a list of those people and try to create an opportunity to be together. It could even just be a quick phone call or a text. Sometimes I like to call one of some of my best friends and say, I need a little pep talk. Can you send me something that you appreciate about me? And that can feel like a really vulnerable thing to do, but we have to learn to ask for help. It’s not easy. It is such a powerful tool, especially when you’re feeling low on resource, when you’re feeling like it’s hard, reaching out to a friend can be huge and letting them know exactly what you need if you’re available, and if you’re not, that’s okay too.(09:42):Could you please send me a little voice memo or a text of something that you appreciate about me? I’m having a hard day. And nine times out of 10, you’ll get a response because it feels good to help someone else. If your friend asked that of you, how would you respond? It would probably make you feel good to send that out. Sometimes it’s even just thinking of somebody that you really love and appreciate and sending a quick text to them can help light you up. Maybe if you have a pet, you could play with your pet.(10:12):Maybe you could take a quick walk around the block. Maybe you could just take a moment and then imagine yourself and in one of your favorite places, kind of like we just did, maybe you want to snuggle up in a blanket with a hot cup of tea. Maybe if you play music, you might want to play your instrument. Maybe you want to go to your favorite coffee shop and just be in the presence of other humans. Sometimes that’s one of my favorite things to do is just take a walk to the coffee shop and something about that. It’s a multi-pronged thing, right? I focus on being outside. I focus on the walk. I usually take my dog or I go through one of my favorite coffee shops that can, even just being in the bustle of other people can sometimes feel good to me. So maybe thinking of some things for you, what that might be, because creating this list is really powerful and I would encourage you to write it down somewhere. Write down these things that help you feel more connected. Because when we are stressed out or when we’re overwhelmed or in times of duress, it’s really hard to remember what those things are. And so when you can find these little pockets of relative comfort, you can sit in and it makes it easier when you go back into the world, go back into the challenges, go back into the realities that are happening,(11:55):Really just make it personal to you. What are the things for you? And I wanted to just share some of these resourcing tools because I think in times like this, these are some of the most powerful things to really help you be able to move forward. And there’s a lot of different ways to connect to things like this. And so if this is something that is calling to you and you want more ideas around it, I do have a free resource online. If you go to amanda testa.com/safety and you can just automatically watch the videos there. It’s like a three-part series. I did it a few years ago, but the concepts are still very valid. And so I would encourage you to check that out if that calls to you. The other thing I want to share around this is even just doing a little bit of that can often give you more capacity to handle hard things.(12:47):When you kind of dip into difficulty, go back to where it feels good, dip into difficulty. It gives you more capacity to sit with difficult things because we don’t want to put our heads in the sand and just hide from reality. That doesn’t help anything or anyone. But when you can sit with what’s hard and build your capacity to do that, it makes it more able for you to find creative solutions. I think one of the things that I have learned in my 10 years of working in this industry, coaching and helping people reconnect their sexuality and heal from trauma and all the things that is one of the things that I am just always amazed by time and time again, is when clients reconnect to this blueprint of health at the center of their body. And sometimes it’s really challenging to do right? Sometimes it’s not very possible. It feels impossible. But even just finding little pockets where you can sit and somehow even in your mind, just think of something that brings you comfort, it makes it much easier to go back to facing what’s hard.(14:03):And I’m curious for you how this is landing. What around this would feel more supportive to you? And often people are like, well, you’re a sex and relationship coach. Why do you talk so much about this? This is a huge part of it. We are holistic beings, and when we are in states of emergency or duress, our sex hormones are the first to go. And it’s okay if that’s the case for you. It may feel harder to be in that space, but I also know that connection is the antidote to loneliness. Connection is where hope lies, like community connection, showing up in a way that feels good for your community, surrounding yourself with community. Those things are so important right now. So if that is something you can do, reach out. If that feels hard, maybe think who? What would I like to be a part of more?(15:01):And I guarantee you there’s people out there that have been doing it a long time that would welcome you, that would love to have you. And so just think about what that is. I know sometimes when you’re in a disconnected state or it feels hard, it’s kind of like, well, I don’t know if I even have the tools and resources to look for things or find ideas or Google. So if that’s the case, just know if that’s okay too. Make it small, make it doable. Maybe it’s reaching out to a friend, like I said, keeping it doable.(15:35):Maybe it’s reaching out to a neighbor. Maybe it’s connecting with a new person that might be someone that you might see in your neighborhood or in your building or wherever it might be that you might want to connect more with. And also knowing that oftentimes these little bits of human connection can be resourcing. That’s one of the things I like about going to a coffee shop or taking a walk or being outside is often I pass someone. And isn’t it the best feeling? When you share a genuine smile with someone, it can give you just a little moment of connection. And it’s interesting because I’m reading this book right now, it’s called, I recently started a book club, which I tell you what, that was a really good thing for me because for the past 10 years, most books that I read are always some kind of educational book in my field, something that’s always learning.(16:33):And I joined this book club where we just read for fun. And I know that’s not like a groundbreaking thing, but for me was because I wouldn’t allow myself to take breaks to read just for fun. I’m like, oh, I need to be learning this, or I need to be doing that. And it’s been really great. So needless to say, also connecting with new people that is fun that I didn’t really know before. And so the book we’re reading now is called One With the Cure, which is, it’s about the team that found the vaccine for polio. And it’s interesting how in this book, it was in the forties, so the polio outbreak was going on. World War II was going on. There was all kinds of horrific things. And it just reminds me a lot of today what’s going on. But having these little connections and these points of things that would bring connection throughout it all, maybe it was a shared vision or a shared goal, also helps when we have a(17:48):Shared collective that really helps. So thinking about what those things are for you, what would support you, and thank you for being here. Again, thank you for listening. I know this podcast is, it’s just kind of a straight from the Heart podcast. What I’m feeling right now, it’s like I am not feeling my usual self. I’m not feeling, I feel like this is what’s important to talk about because this is what I feel like I need and this is what I see people around me need. And when we can come more resource to whatever we’re facing, we have a lot better opportunity to, again, bring our best selves forward, to show up creatively, to show up with an open heart and open mind and curiosity. So I hope this has touched your heart in some way, that has brought in maybe a little pocket of peace or connection as you hear my voice. No, that’s my intention.(18:52):Thanks again for listening, and we’ll see you next time. Thank you so much for listening to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. This is your host, Amanda Testa. And if you have felt a calling while listening to this podcast to take this work to a deeper level, this is your golden invitation. I invite you to reach out. You can contact me@amandatestthe.com slash activate, and we can have a heart to heart to discuss more about how this work can transform your life. You can also join us on Facebook and the group Find Your Feminine Fire Group. And if you’ve enjoyed this podcast, please share with your friends. Go to iTunes and give me a five star rating and a raving review so I can connect with other amazing listeners like yourself. Thank you so much for being a part of.

How to Feel Better During Perimenopause with Bria Gadd, aka The Period Whisperer

October 31, 2023

How to Feel Better During Perimenopausewith Bria Gadd, AKA The period whisperer

Feel like you’re riding the perimenopause roller coaster?

On this week’s podcast I’m talking with Bria Gadd, The Period Whisperer, an integrative nutritionist, holistic health coach, and certified personal trainer who specializes in female hormones. We’re diving into the impact of perimenopause on our hormones, and how to feel better as you navigate the uncertainty.

In this episode you’ll discover:

– the secrets to boosting your energy levels,

– how to regaining control of your body when it feels so out of sync

– how to stay empowered and educated on what really happens with your hormones,

– How to keep your libido alive

– and much more!

Listen in, because this podcast is your ticket to an exciting, informative, and empowering journey through perimenopause!

Listen below, or tune in via: Apple Podcasts, Spotify or your fave pod player.

(Complete transcript below)

JOIN IN THE DISCUSSION ON THIS EPISODE AND MORE IN MY FREE FACEBOOK GROUP, FIND YOUR FEMININE FIRE HERE.

Bria Gadd is an integrative nutritionist, holistic health coach, and certified personal trainer, who specializes in female hormones, helping women with weight release and energy gain in pre and post menopause, and finding clarity in hormonal chaos.

After helping thousands of women lose weight in their 20’s and 30’s, Bria recognized a difficult shift in women’s ability to get results in their body during their perimenopause years. With more than 12 years of experience in the fitness and nutrition industry, Bria created a proven strategy to dramatically improve the challenges women are experiencing in weight release and energy.

Her podcast The Period Whisperer is a top 2.5% wellness podcast in the world, and you can follow her on insta HERE.

Want more support from Amanda? Schedule a confidential 1-1 call with Amanda⁠ here.

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(05:20):Yeah,Amanda Testa (05:20):It’s interesting. I don’t think young people don’t talk about it.Bria Gadd (05:23):Yeah, don’t, it’s such a taboo topic. And I think the other statistic that always blows my mind is that 73% of women are struggling with symptoms in perimenopause so significantly that it’s impacting their life and they’re not getting help. I mean, look, I think you and I both believe that women are magic, and I’m like, if we’re not able to be the magic we can, that’s just not okay with me. So that’s really how it was my unraveling and undoing and learning of my own struggle and finding healing that launched me down this path of really understanding what is going on in women’s bodies and helping them really tune into the messages that our body gives to us. Because you also talk about we really share this, we’ve been trained not to pay attention, not to know or to hide them from ourselves or ignore them. And that was my mistake. That’s where it was. Learning those messages again, that helped me find healing and feel better now in my forties than I ever did about my body in my twenties.Amanda Testa (06:26):That is so powerful. And you brought up a point that I would like to talk a little bit more about because I think so many women, they’ll go to their doctor, they want support, they get the tests are like, oh, everything’s fine. And I’m wondering, what is your thought? Why does the medical system and the way it’s set up, why does it fail women in perimenopause? Why do you think it’s not giving them the support they need?Bria Gadd (06:48):Well, first of all, it wasn’t until the nineties when women of reproductive age were even required to be a part of research studies because of our hormone brethren, we were considered unpredictable. So they didn’t keep us in the studies, which means that until the nineties and even after that, we know there’s a transition time, and then nineties isn’t that long ago. So all of our research in all the medical aspects and nutrition and wellness and fitness was assuming that we’re all small men basically. So that I think is a big piece. First of all, there’s just highly uneducated in general, women’s research around women’s bodies is just it’s light years behind. So I think that’s a big one. And then probably the other piece is just in general, we are in a bit of a microwave Amazon prime mentality now where it’s like, what’s the quick fix? What’s the quick fix? And the reality is just connecting with our more deeper intimate selves. You cannot push a rope, you can’t force something. You have to really create the space for healing and allowing in the body, and you just can’t buy that in a pill.Amanda Testa (07:58):And I think that’s what can be so frustrating. I know my clients also feel like with sexuality, but I want this fixed yesterday and that’s just not how it works.Bria Gadd (08:09):Yeah, absolutely.Amanda Testa (08:11):I’m wondering too, I know if you wouldn’t mind just sharing a little bit more, I know people that are listening, they’re like, oh, yes, I understand the symptoms, I know what this is. But if you would just share a little bit more what are some of the main symptoms and complaints that people have during this time? And just to also clarify for those, the difference in perimenopause andBria Gadd (08:29):MenopauseAmanda Testa (08:29):Is because oftentimes people don’t realize people can start perimenopause even in their thirties or sometimes even. So speak to all that please.Bria Gadd (08:36):Yeah, for sure. So I love that question. Thank you. So menopause is really a day, a year after your last period when your menses pauses. So it’s like when it’s over. So after that you’re kind of post menopause. So it’s really just one day is menopause everything. Leading up menopause is what we call perimenopause or pre menopause or the menopause transition. So you might hear it called any one of these things just like puberty. It’s a shifting time period of landscape. Obviously it’s a lot longer than puberty, but it typically starts in women around 35. Now the big thing that I think is so important, well two things. One, it is as significant as puberty and pregnancy. And I think why I love talking about it, why I think we should all talk about it more is that we recognize puberty’s a big deal. We can physically see our kids changing or see our bodies changing in puberty.(09:33):We recognize pregnancy is a big deal and postpartum because we can physically see the human being grown in the human. We can see these things. We cannot see the change necessarily in perimenopause, but it’s huge. It’s as significant and it deserves the same, I think awareness and education and compassion as those other times. But to try to make it really simple for everyone to understand that this is how I digest it is what’s happening in this transition of perimenopause to menopause is that the job of your main sex hormones, which are what make us able to be fertile and reproduce, is being passed from our ovaries to our adrenals. And our adrenals are our stress managers, and they’re already busy. And so the state of your adrenals when this job starts to get passed really determines how you experience perimenopause. And I find that to be like perimenopause is really, it’s a bit of a first world problem because we live in a society where we’re high consumptive, high output going, hustling, all of these things, and we don’t have that same time and space. So in other cultures where they have a calmer more still, I’d say lifestyle, we don’t see perimenopause there the same way.Amanda Testa (10:50):And I think that’s interesting because even the word says pause, right? It’s such a huge initiation time, and we are in our culture, we’re just not taught to give it the space and time it deserves, which I think isBria Gadd (11:05):Key(11:05):A hundred percent. And so I think recognizing first that that’s what’s happening and that that’s a big deal has got to go a long way for self-compassion. And then again, thinking, well, if the job is now going to be passed to the adrenals, it’s like if you do work a corporate job and someone goes on mat leave or temporary leave, and all of a sudden no one new gets hired, but you’ve got to handle all the extra stuff. You can only handle it for so long before things start slipping through the cracks. We can only do so muchAmanda Testa (11:35):AsBria Gadd (11:35):Humans. The struggle is that the stress, any added stress to our life, and this is a high stress time in midlife, you’re raising young kids, you’re dealing with aging parents, you have peaking careers, you’re thinking about your future. There’s a lot happening at this time. So already kind of maxed, and now this shift is happening and really it comes down so significantly to stress and the stress management in the body, and not just how you handle things, but also is the food you’re eating creating stress? Are the workouts you’re doing creating stress? Are you sleeping enough to focus on stress? All these pieces, are you having enough sex to reduce the stress? Are you as connected there? So that’s the physiological aspect of what’s happening in the body. There is a really brain shift that happens, which I think is what connects me so much to what you’re doing because in this phase, the shifting landscape of our hormones really impacts our amygdala, our hippocampus in our brain, which are our memory encoders and our memory retrievers. And what that shifting does is it almost creates more space for us to be aware of past trauma, to be aware of things that we’ve suppressed, and also be aware of things that really are bothering us that maybe we got really good at, pretending didn’t bother us for a while. So it’s kind of this perfect storm of time to deal with it, right, or not. Yeah.Amanda Testa (13:04):Yeah, it’s so true. I mean, I think I’ve heard this before and it’s true. It’s like oftentimes when after midlife or when you’re finally, you’re maybe, and I’m not in this position, I still have a young kiddo, but a lot of times also maybe you’re becoming an empty nester and all this and that, but when you finally have time to put to yourself, oftentimes that’s when people get sick or have health problems arise because they’ve been just stressing themselves out for so long and they haven’t taken care of themselves.Bria Gadd (13:32):Yes. Because if you’re in that high stress life, you’ve got the cortisol and adrenaline pumping through you, and so when you no longer need it and it calms down as it should, that’s when the body can become a little bit more susceptible to sickness or burnout.Amanda Testa (13:46):And so I’m wondering too, because another thing that I know is a big common complaint around this time is feeling that dip and libido.Bria Gadd (13:54):AndAmanda Testa (13:54):I would love your perspective on that from a hormonal perspective, if youBria Gadd (13:58):WishAmanda Testa (13:58):A little bit more about why it may not be what people think.Bria Gadd (14:01):Yes, absolutely. I hear this too, of course, I’ve been there myself, and I think when I started to talk to my clients about it, my first question is always like, well, is there a lubrication issue? So if it’s a lubrication issue that is often indicative of, okay, our hormones are lessening. So in the process of the hormones going from ovaries to adrenals, we’re having, we’re going to have less of them because we don’t need as many of them to ovulate, to menstruate anymore or to create life. So there is a reality to the fact that if we’re feeling dry in life and we’re not actually able to lubricate, then there’s that piece. But that is where lubrication can come into play for people to buy it. If it’s a drive, sometimes I am like, well, if you are alone, if you went on vacation, if you have time, is the drive there?(14:49):And more often than not, it is, it’s really more the hustle and bustle and exhaustion of our day where libido is more of an energy issue. We just don’t have the energy to create the space to even find desire. And this is a generalization, but women aren’t built men. We can’t have a stiff breeze blow past us and turn us on the same way. So we need that space to feel attractive or feel sensual or we need that, and if we don’t have that space or energy. So I find nine times out of 10, it has a lot more to do with just the taxing and the stress on the system. Then it actually does with not having the hormones to have a libido. Does that make sense?Amanda Testa (15:32):Yes, it does because it’s interesting too, because that you’re saying with the drive, there’s a lot of things that come into play there. Not everyone has that desire where it just pops up, the wind blows, and you’re like, yay.Bria Gadd (15:46):Right. The response don’t rushes back to you the wrong way. We’reAmanda Testa (15:49):Very lucky. But most people have, they need to make the time and space, like you say, and put themselves in the mood. And especially I think as we age, like you’re saying that stress relief is so keyBria Gadd (16:01):BecauseAmanda Testa (16:02):To be able to get into a mode of receptivity can be even more challenging.Bria Gadd (16:08):And I find perimenopause or the challenges in it is a real energy supply and demand situation because of this transition happening because of all that’s going on in our life, our energy demand is really high in supply is low, and that’s when we run into trouble with libido because it’s like, well, there’s just no space. This is not a critical function in our daily life. And yet it’d be interesting to hear your thoughts on this intimacy and sexual connection with oneself at least has got to be a key part of our health, of our overall fulfillment of life.Amanda Testa (16:44):I agree there. Of course, I’ll say that because I believe our sexual wellness is overall part of our overall health and how our sexual function is very relative to our overall health and everything you’re saying with things that can happen, you can have lower lubrication, the tissues can thin all of these things, but that still doesn’t always affect your ability toBria Gadd (17:07):FeelAmanda Testa (17:07):Turned on and to have great organisms that can continue. And I think that’s something that we are not taught. We’re not taught that it can still be great.Bria Gadd (17:16):Yeah, absolutely. ItAmanda Testa (17:17):Goes awayBria Gadd (17:18):For years and years,Amanda Testa (17:20):So that’s why I’m saying use it or you lose it. So you’re even saying yes. What are the things that you, so I’m curious from your perspective, what are some things that we can do to support ourselves during this time so we can feel the way we want?Bria Gadd (17:32):Yeah, I love that. And I really look at this, there’s almost like three phases of healing I like to call it when it comes to our hormones in this perimenopause transition. If you are struggling immensely with digestive issues or really irregular frustrating periods or anxiety or low mood or if it’s debilitating what’s happening in your life, you’re in what I like to call the inflammation response. So all the stress, there’s been too much stress, and really the path back is we first need to really reduce that inflammation and then we can shift into a healing and repair phase. So if you’re just feeling stuck in a little lackluster, you might be there. And then finally, once we understand how to move with our cycle, that’s kind of our third phase. It’s like optimize your hormones, which will maximize your libido, maximize your energy, and all of these things.(18:21):But the first step for all of them is really just making sure you have a solid foundation of health. And it doesn’t matter whether you listen to me or listen to anyone else in the health and wellness space. The reality is if you look at your health like a dining table with four legs, each leg kind of represents a key health pillar. We have rest and sleep, we have nutrition, we have functional movement, and we have pleasure. Yeah, pleasure. And within pleasure, within each pillar there’s things, but how if you have one of these a little rickety and loose, it kind of becomes a frustrating dining experience. Someone sticks their elbow on the table and the dining you, you’re affected by it, but you can manage if two of them are loose, I mean, you’re down on the floor, you’re folding up, you’re Jimmy rigging this table, you’re trying to make things happen, but it’s frustrating and you probably leave feeling like that wasn’t a great experience.(19:13):And if three are loose, your food’s on the table. And the same goes for our health again, at any stage, at any age, but especially in perimenopause, we need to make sure at the very least in your day, you’re sleeping or creating space for seven to nine hours of sleep. You’re getting in 30 to 60 minutes of functional movement. So just walk when our bodies are so exhausted. Trying to do a hard workout is maybe not the ideal thing. So just walk, stretch, release, things like that. Having our nutrition to be anti-inflammatory 80% of the time, so trying to keep alcohol, sugar, processed flowers, things like that out of the diet for 80% and finding space for either pleasure or stress release to create space for pleasure. So those four steps really need to be a part of our foundational aspects of our health. Otherwise, your health’s going to be on the floor and we really can’t build anything on that foundation.Amanda Testa (20:14):I think that is so huge, and I love the way that you explain it so well, but those pillars, because I think that is so interesting to think about and I love too, you were mentioningBria Gadd (20:23):TheAmanda Testa (20:23):Sleep part is so key and the ease of movement. And I think that’s an interesting thing to note because as you are always encouraging people to really listen to what their body’s saying. And I remember, I don’t know, about four years ago, I used to do a lot more intense athletic endeavors. I was a triathlete and I ran all the time. And then my body was just kind of like, I think we’re done with thisBria Gadd (20:44):AndAmanda Testa (20:45):I was still doing a lot of hit workouts and this and that. And then for some reason my body was like, let’s just do yoga every day or let’s just walk. AndBria Gadd (20:54):ItAmanda Testa (20:55):Was just so interesting to feel that shift of what my body is, we’re done, you’re stressed out enough, we need to slow it down a little bit. And also in doing more weights, but just interesting how, I’m curious what other advice you have for women of ways they can do listen to those little nudges or be more honoring of what their stress release level.Bria Gadd (21:18):Yeah, I love that question. And I think what’s always really important to understand is a tantruming child, if you have kids and your child’s losing their mind over something and you don’t know who hit who or what happened or what’s going on, you kind of have to calm that right before you can actually get to the root of the issue. If you’re dealing in inflammation, so in any of those symptoms I was talking, you almost can’t even hear what your body, so the first, you have to sort of calm that piece down so we can start to hear these pieces. And when you start to notice, it’s like, Hey, I’m tired. So often our joints hurt or we’re tired, and yet we’re still out there hitting the pavement on a long 10 K run or doing a HIIT workout. So really listening again and honoring that piece while you heal and recover. I think we’re so scared that if we don’t do this workout, we’re going to gain weight, but really our body needs this rest. So any whisper that you hear in terms of joint pain or muscle stiffness or cravings in the afternoon or fatigue or dips in energy or digestive issues, or you’re not even going to the bathroom every day, those are all whispers of our body. That’s something bigger is going on and the sooner we listen, the faster we’ll be able to fix it. Does that help?Amanda Testa (22:38):That does. I think that’s so huge. And I’m wondering too, because I know when it comes to hormones, it’s interesting. I do so appreciate how things have changed over the years. I was talking to my mom about this, I was like, do you remember going through menopause? And she’s like, I don’t know. That was so long ago. I blocked things up. She also, she’s like, I don’t know, they just put everyone on hormones back then. And so that’s always the thing though, because for some people it can be helpful obviously. I’m curious your thoughts on hormones, Harmon replacement therapy, if you wouldn’t mind speaking to that a little bit. People are always asking about that.Bria Gadd (23:10):Absolutely. I love this question and I think western medicine is miraculous. It does miracle things and it really should be our last resort because it’s really designed to help us in the most necessary moments. So I don’t think people should suffer. And I think that if you don’t do the underlying work, it won’t really matter what you take At the end of the day, it either won’t work, won’t work to its full potential, or it’ll impact your body. If the reason you’re suffering is because you need to heal these foundational pieces, this underlying, then taking the hormones really isn’t going to help you at the end of the day. So I look at it very much just like if you needed to go on antidepressants, you really go on the antidepressants and you should be going to therapy to heal the, so we’re not on antidepressants for the rest of our life. Same thing with H R T. If you need to go on it to bridge the gap, great, but do the underlying work. Otherwise you’re never bridging the gap and you’ll never reach the potential that you need. So you can’t really avoid that foundational piece. And then if you do the foundational piece and you’re suffering, yeah, take the hormones feel better.Amanda Testa (24:20):Yes. I love that so much. I know my doctor, I don’t know, he was once saying it’s a performance enhancing drug. Like anything you got to, just like you were saying, there’s so many things at play, so it is kind of an individualized thing. That’s what I so appreciate about people like you that really support on a one-to-one, like let’s see what’s going on with you so we can figure out what you need. And I think that’s important to note too because I think sometimes there’s just so much blanket information out there and I feel like the perimenopause time is very unique to each individual. I’m curious if you would speak to that a little bit.Bria Gadd (24:52):Yeah, absolutely. Like I was saying, I definitely find that the reduction of inflammation, what’s causing the inflammation in your body or what’s causing the taxing on your adrenals is going to be different from woman to woman. We can create an overall protocol that likely helps with that. But the individualized piece that I think is so important is once you calm that chaos, usually we look at the other areas of our life, like the connection with our partner, the connection we have with our career, the connection we have with our kids, these other areas of life that are big faucets can be potential faucets of stress. And that’s where it gets really individualized, where you can’t just write out a protocol to say, Hey, this is going to heal your life. Because ultimately once you deal with the chaos in your body, we still have to make sure we’re turning off the faucets of stress in our life and managing them. And what I do know from my own experience is that when you calm the chaos, you kind of have nothing left. We often fixate as humans on small problems to avoid big ones. And midlife is a time where you’re going to be faced with the reality of the things that you’re are maybe not ideal for you in life. And you need to start to deal with those things. And that’s where it gets unique. I thinkAmanda Testa (26:13):That is so true. It’s like the reckoning time.Bria Gadd (26:16):It’s the reckoning. That’s a great word. The unraveling. I heard Brene Brown call. It’s the midlife unraveling, and it’s true. It’s a time where it’s like, and you want to unravel it now because we still have decades. We have decades, and you don’t want to spend the rest of your life being raveled in a way. You don’t want to be raveled, I guess.Amanda Testa (26:38):And I do want to speak to that a little bit. I don’t think people talk enough about how it can be. And so just to normalize all that can come up,(26:48):It can be a very challenging time and it’s very normal that you have all kinds of fluctuations in your mood. I mean in your mood. Something that I wasn’t aware of that one of my friends mentioned is that oftentimes it’s very common as well for people to have suicidal ideation and all kinds of things. I was not aware of that. That’s a common thing. And so speaking to this to just know that if people are listening to the podcast and there’s support for you, you don’t have to suffer through these things. Also around you’re saying is that reckoning, just the challenge of being with the changes was so hard. The challenge of looking at yourself as you are aging, the challenge of finding compassion and love for yourself when your body changes, all theseBria Gadd (27:32):Things.Amanda Testa (27:33):And so I just want to mention that too, because I think that’s what could be so supportive of about getting help from an expert, right? To know you don’t have to move through it alone. And so often when I’m in gatherings of I’m just turned 50 this summer, so when I’m in gatherings of friends and just the complaints and this that and the other, but there doesn’t have to be like that,Bria Gadd (27:53):Right? No, you’re right. That is one of the biggest mistakes we make and I have made and have to remind myself not to make, is to not get the support that you need, not ask for help, not invest in yourself because again, we have one wild and precious life, and midlife gives us the gift of no longer minimizing the things that are bothering us. So it’s time, I think, to get the help that you need. It’s time to take seriously the things that are bothering you and heal.Amanda Testa (28:24):I’m curious too, just from all the people that you’ve served over the years, what are some of the most favorite things that the women on the other side of this, what is on the other side that they have to look forward to? You could share a little more about that.Bria Gadd (28:38):Yeah, I think that a couple things. One, I think when you do the work and you work on healing, I think that you can untap energy and sleep quality and connection that you didn’t even know were possible. And connection with sexuality for sure. I mean, this is a really powerful time for women when you do that healing, to open that up and on the other, I heard you call it, we were talking earlier about calling your menopause your second spring. And I just think that that term just kind of blew my mind because, because we are no longer primarily driven to reproduce, I mean that opens up a lot of space for us to be bold, be strong, be real, be confident, be creative in whatever way that is for you. That might be just being super present in the lives of the people around you, or that might be you creating massive success in a business somewhere and impacting lives. Whatever it is, it’s available to you in perimenopause and beyond. Just do the work to create that space.Amanda Testa (29:51):Yeah, I love it. It’s so true because I love that term. Second spring, we don’t think about that, and I like to just give that to people that this is a really cool transition. This is an initiation, and any initiation, there’s depths and darkness to it. But on the other side, there is expansion in that energy and freedom to do what you want.Bria Gadd (30:14):And IAmanda Testa (30:15):Like because like you’re saying, we have long lives ahead of us.Bria Gadd (30:18):Whenever things get hard for me, I think about riding up a hill as a kid on a bike, there’s that burn in your leg and you’re like, oh, it’s so hard. But then you get to the top and you have a view and you crest that thing and you just fly down on the winds in your hair and such a beautiful, delicious feeling. And this is what this is like. You’re climbing a mountain right now. If you’re struggling in perimenopause, it can feel like a mountain. So make sure you have the right equipment, make sure you bring some good friends along with you, make sure you appreciate the view along the way and take some breaks and know that the top is going to be epic and the downhill even more worth it.Amanda Testa (31:00):And I’m wondering too, when it comes to helping women connect to that feminine fire again, or if there’s any additional tips you’d want to share around that, or maybe there’s a different question that you wish that I would’ve asked that I didn’tBria Gadd (31:11):Ask. That’s a good point. I think when it comes to our feminine fire, I just think we hit this point in our life right now where there’s something inside of you. Anyone who’s struggling knows there’s something there that is, I don’t want to say unresolved, but undiscovered, untapped. I think you can feel that in your gut, and I want to remind you, whatever that is, whether it’s a sexuality thing or whatever that is for you, don’t ignore it. This is the time to begin to explore that, get the help to explore that because you’re intuition is very powerful. And I think part of the messaging we’ve muted is to ignore that. And I just don’t think our gut and intuition is okay with being ignored.Amanda Testa (32:02):Yeah, we can’t ignore it. Thank you so much.Bria Gadd (32:05):Yeah, thank you so much for having me.Amanda Testa (32:08):And I’m wondering too, where can everyone find more about you and also share about your podcast? That’s amazing too. Share all the good things. ThankBria Gadd (32:16):You so much. Yeah, so my podcast is called the Period Whisper podcast where we discuss all things perimenopause and so come check us out there anytime you can find me on Instagram athttps://www.instagram.com/bria_period_whisperer/. I have a daily hormone checklist that I just put together out there that if you are struggling with this area and you want a place to start, you can start there or you can come find me at briatheperiodwhisperer.com on my website. So come and check me out and talk. Let’s reach out. I love talking to people.

Amanda Testa (32:47):Thank you so much again, Bria. And also everyone listening, make sure to for sure check out her pod. It’s so good. I am in this phase of my life as we speak too, so I love all the wisdom and just easy, digestible tips that you share. So thank you so much again for all you do.Bria Gadd (33:03):Thank you, Amanda, same to you. I love what you do and I appreciate so much being on here.Amanda Testa (33:07):And thank you all for listening. I’ll also make sure to put all this info in the share notes as well, and we’ll see you next time. Thank you for listening to the Find Your Feminine Fire Podcast. If you love this episode, please go ahead and forward it right now to someone who you know would love it. And if you’ve not yet had a chance to leave us a rave review on Apple Podcasts, please make sure to rate and review if you enjoyed the podcast, as well as make sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. Thanks for listening, and we’ll see you next week.

Love As A Daily Practice With Dr. Alexandra Solomon

October 10, 2023

Love As A Daily Practicewith Dr. Alexandra Solomon

Want to enjoy deeper, more connected relationships, including the one with yourself?

If you’re looking to discover simple ways to help your relationship thrive, then this episode of the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast is a must listen.

This week, I have the pleasure of speaking with none other than the legendary Dr. Alexandra Solomon! She doesn’t just understand love; she embodies it, champions it, and turns it into an art form with her powerful framework of Relational Self Awareness that’s touched millions of lives across the globe.

Now, if you’ve ever thought – ‘How do I keep that spark alive, both with my partner and within myself?’ or ‘How do we bounce back stronger from those inevitable moments of disconnect?’, then you, my friend, are in the RIGHT place.

Dr. Solomon and I are diving deep into her latest masterpiece, ‘Love Every Day’, shedding light on nailing conflict resolution, understanding relational self-awareness, and—this is a biggie—how to maintain that oh-so-essential sense of self in a committed relationship. We’re not just talking love; we’re talking a journey of self-love and self-awareness that translates into a richer, deeper connection with others.

Get ready to find the answers and soak up a ton of wisdom on cultivating love that is as enduring as it is joyful. This is YOUR time to explore, learn, and most importantly, to love, every single day.

Let’s dive into all the juicy deets on this soulful episode of the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast – your catalyst for all things love, connection, and intimate partnerships.

Listen below, or tune in via: Apple Podcasts, Spotify or your fave pod player.

(Complete transcript below)

JOIN IN THE DISCUSSION ON THIS EPISODE AND MORE IN MY FREE FACEBOOK GROUP, FIND YOUR FEMININE FIRE HERE.

Over the last two decades, Dr. Alexandra H. Solomon has become one of today’s most trusted voices in the world of relationships, and her work on Relational Self-Awareness has reached millions of people around the world.

Dr. Solomon is a licensed clinical psychologist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University, and she is on faculty in the School of Education and Social Policy at Northwestern University where she teaches the internationally renowned course, Building Loving and Lasting Relationships: Marriage 101.

In addition to writing articles and chapters for leading academic journals and books in the field of marriage and family, she is the author of two bestselling books, Loving Bravely and Taking Sexy Back. Dr. Solomon regularly presents to diverse groups that include the United States Military Academy at West Point and Microsoft, and she is frequently asked to talk about relationships with media outlets like The Today Show, O Magazine, The Atlantic, Vogue, and Scientific American.

Connect with Dr. Solomon and get her newest book, Love Every Day,365 Relational Self-Awareness Practices to Help Your Relationship Heal, Grow and Thrive HERE!

Want more support from Amanda? Schedule a confidential 1-1 call with Amanda⁠ here.

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Amanda Testa (00:02):Hello and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire Podcast. I am your host, Amanda Testa. I am a sex, love and relationship coach, and in this podcast, my guests and I talk sex, love, and relationships and everything that lights you up from the inside out. Welcome.(00:21):Hey, what’s up? It’s Amanda. If you’re enjoying this pod and you know are ready to say yes to more pleasure and you are just wanting to know, how the hell do I do it? Well, you are in luck because as of now we have spots available in the Pleasure Foundation, which is my pleasure membership, where twice a month you get an amazing practice that teaches you how to drop into your body to become more connected to yourself and to learn the art of sacred self-care. So if this is something you’re interested in, go to amanda testa.com/tpf as in the pleasure foundation, amanda testa.com/tpf, and we will see you there if you want to enjoy deeper, more connected relationships, including the one with yourself.(01:06):If you’re looking to discover simple ways to really help your relationship thrive, then you are really going to want to listen in to today’s episode of the Find Your Feminine and Fire podcast. I’m your host, Amanda Testa, and today I’m thrilled to be talking with Dr. Alexandra Solomon. She’s a relationship therapist, a teacher, an award-winning author, speaker, and a passionate believer in the life-changing power of love. She is a powerhouse in the field of relationships and her framework of relational self-awareness has helped support millions around the globe. So welcome, Dr. Alexandra. I’m so happy to have you here again.Dr. Alexandra Solomon (01:37):Thanks, Amanda. It’s good to see you again. It’s been a minute.Amanda Testa (01:40):Yes. I think the last time we spoke was three years ago when we were talking about sexual self-awareness with your book Taking Sexy Back and now you have an amazing new book coming out called Love Every Day, and I’m so excited to talk to you more about this and just what relational self-awareness is and thank you so much again for being here.Dr. Alexandra Solomon (01:59):Oh, you’re welcome. Thank you so much for having me.Amanda Testa (02:01):Yeah, so I’m wondering just even before we dive in, what maybe is the inspiration that led you to write this book and what are you most excited about and putting it out here into the world?Dr. Alexandra Solomon (02:12):Yeah, so Love Every Day is my third book and it’s really different than any other book I’ve created first of all, and you will appreciate this. It’s like a really(02:22):Beautiful book. I know that for you, the aesthetics matter, the pleasure matters, all the sensory elements of life. I know that that’s really central to you in the work that you do. And this is just a really beautiful book. It’s a hard cover. The cover is gorgeous. There’s a little blue bookmark to help a silky blue bookmark. So I think that it’s just so delighted by how the book feels and looks because the book is hard. It’s not an easy book and it’s a year’s worth of relational self-awareness support kind of micro doses and micro learning because one of the things that we know is that our healing journey is much more about the little stuff that we do or the little stuff that we no longer do, rather than the big declaration or the huge insight that changes everything. I think so often we crave that the one piece that falls into place and changes everything.(03:21):And I think that the reality is as somebody who’s been a therapist for many years and a sort of person on my own healing journey for many years, I know that as my supervisor used to say, God is in the details, the little stuff, the little stuff that matters. And so love every day is 365 little quotes and stories and questions and prompts that you use on your own healing journey to understand yourself better and to show up a bit differently in your relationships. And primarily in the book it’s about intimate relationships, but there’s certainly overflow into relationship with friends and colleagues and kids that really is primarily a book about how to create healthy intimate partnerships.Amanda Testa (04:05):I love that so much and how those daily simple things, I mean they might not be simple, right? They’re hard, they take time and you have to devote yourself to it. But I think that’s the beauty of the little things that you do over time are what make the biggest change.Dr. Alexandra Solomon (04:21):AndAmanda Testa (04:22):I think everybody, like you say, wants that super quick like, ah, everything’s better, but that’s not really how it works. And really when we’re working on healing, our relationships are getting better. We really can only go as fast as the slowest part of us wants to go. So that’s why I think coming in every day, and I had the lucky privilege of sneaking a peek at the book and it is gorgeous and just the prompts and just the deepening that if you take that time to do it, that’s what makes the difference making the time to do it. And I’m curious if you could share a little bit more about the relational self-awareness framework just to give the listeners a better understanding of what that means.Dr. Alexandra Solomon (04:58):Right, right. Yeah. So relational self-awareness is basically my framework, which I stand on the shoulders of giants. I have been well-trained and have been deeply immersed in the research of relationships and the clinical wisdom that therapists over many, many decades have been honing. So I certainly exist in this matrix of the people who’ve come before me and all of that. So relational self-awareness is my way of sort of pulling together what feels most essential. So I’ve spent decades as a professor and a therapist and somebody who’s really passionate about translating what lives in academia, what lives behind therapist doors and making sure that we all have access to it. It’s that translational stuff that I love. So relational self-awareness is just processes by which we come to understand ourselves more deeply and therefore can show up with a bit more patience, a bit more expansiveness, a bit more curiosity for our relationships.(06:02):And so it’s like this intimate journey we take on the inside, but it’s ever, it’s not naval gazy, it’s not mental masturbation, it’s not understanding what my parents did to me for the sake of understanding it. It really is about really gentle ownership of our journey so that we can continue our own process, especially, I don’t know for you, but I know for me in my intimate partnership, it’s very easy for me to put my annoyances with my husband at his feet. It’s very easy for me to identify. If he wouldn’t have said that, then I wouldn’t have gotten mad. That’s the easy road. And so this book is again and again, okay, what if you take a breath and look at what is going on inside of you as well? It’s not about excusing our partners thoughtless behavior, but it’s about really, really keeping ourselves in the ring, in the gentlest possible ways. We’re not beating ourselves up, but we are continuing to commit to, okay, what’s my part? What’s my piece?Amanda Testa (07:03):I think that’s an interesting point to note because it’s so easy, like you say, to be like, well, of course it’s all their fault. They would just be like this.Dr. Alexandra Solomon (07:12):Right? Nine out of 10 people would agree that that was a dick move.Amanda Testa (07:18):You know what? It’s interesting. Can I share a little one little thing that I read from the book?Dr. Alexandra Solomon (07:22):Please do.Amanda Testa (07:23):So I loved it because I was looking for looking through and I loved how there’s one for every day, so I love how making it a daily practice is so important, but one of the things that I thought was so powerful is just these little reminders. One of the prompts that I read was around when you add a but to things, right. Can you talk a little bit about that if you don’t mind?Dr. Alexandra Solomon (07:42):I mean we like butts with two T’s, but buts with one t, that’s the but stuff. It is not good. The one T B U T. Yeah. I mean it is, I think as a couple’s therapist, I certainly have trained my brain to listen for when one of the partners in my couple uses the “but” word, but because it is just deadly. It’s just a conversation ender, and I think I’d be hard pressed to find a sentence where an and doesn’t serve us better than a, but because basically what it does think about, Amanda, you tell me that I’ve hurt your feelings and I say, I’m sorry I hurt your feelings, but you should understand that I was really tired or I’m sorry I hurt your feelings, but you’ve been awfully sensitive these days. But basically negates the apology and when you, my friend Tery Real describes it this way, when you let me know that I have hurt your feelings, my best and bravest move is to imagine myself as a customer service window.(08:49):You have just approached the customer service window. You have an issue, you have a matter to bring before me, and in that moment, all I am, because I care about you and I care about us, all I am is a customer service window. I am just there to understand your hurt. Even if parts of me are like, you’ve got to be freaking kidding me, she’s so sensitive. She did the same thing last week. I wouldn’t be mad at her if she did that to me. I may have all of that going on inside of me, and for this moment, if you are troubled, the only job on earth I have is just to hear you back, just to feed it back to you. Now, I may need to say to you, Amanda, my love, at a separate time, I need you to stand over here next to me and come and look at this other part of it, but I’m never going to be able to enlist your openness to looking at something bigger, your part of it. I’m never going to get you on my team until, and unless I’m able to say to you, Amanda, if your feelings are hurt, I own it. I want to understand it, I want to repair it. So that, but just keeps us from even being able to enter the whole arena of something more interesting and more healing.Amanda Testa (10:09):So powerful. This is the keys, these little teeny things that are so key, right? Yeah,Dr. Alexandra Solomon (10:16):That’s right. It’s like aAmanda Testa (10:17):One little thing to be aware of, but I mean it has a huge, huge implication or what’s the word I’m looking for? It has a huge ripple effect when you can be aware and really slow down.Dr. Alexandra Solomon (10:30):Yeah, that’s literally a little one, right? That’s a literal three letter word that if we could, I mean a listener could challenge themselves today and they could challenge themselves and their partner. Let’s try for a week to not use the word and see what happens. Just see, because if you’ve banned that word, you are setting yourself up to have to be a bit different to language, something different, and language matters, words matter, and it shifts the whole tone of the conversation. If you don’t have that crutch available, sure, you may still get defensive, you may still get shut down, but you’re cutting yourself off from that pathway to disconnection.Amanda Testa (11:07):One of the things that you mentioned a few moments ago was talking about being on the same team, and I’m curious when it comes to approaching challenges around your relationship or your intimacy, how can you build that team approachDr. Alexandra Solomon (11:20):So it’s so essential and it’s not at all easy. I think for some of, I was thinking about just a recent conflict that my husband and I, we’ve been married for 25 years and we’re in a season of massive transition. I just turned 50, he’s about to turn 50. We just sent our little baby girl off to college, so we’re getting used to this empty nest, and there was just kind a growing tension. You know how it’s not conflict, but it’s also not ease. It’s somewhere in the middle of just sort of clipped tones and I could feel myself slipping out of teamwork. It was no longer we are empty nesters. It was, I am an empty nester and he doesn’t understand my experience. I was really slipping away from it and I was really wrapping myself up in this blankie that is kind of cozy, but also super lonely around nobody understands what I’m going through, and we just kind of hit a breaking point, and the breaking point was something silly.(12:24):He said something that I thought was hurtful. He did not mean to hurt my feelings, but it was like the dam broke. It was like that was enough, and in the conversation, it was in the beginning of the conversation, he was the one who had his head a little bit above water and was basically pleading the case for teamwork. We’re in this together. I’m having feelings too. This is a process that we’re both, we are having different experiences. He’s holding a bit more of the excitement and the space and the pride, and I’m holding more the grief and the loss and the sadness, and so we were getting sort of polarized around that, and so his use of language around, we are having different experiences and we’re in this together. It was like I could feel myself pulling that blanket off, stepping back into like, oh, right, I’m not alone in this and being alone with big feelings.(13:18):That was how I spent the first 18 years of my life. I know I know how to do that. I know how to hunker down, get or done, find my way through something, and I don’t have to do that anymore and as much work as I’ve done, it’s certainly helpful in a moment like that to have somebody be able to say, we have somebody be able to say, we are different and we’re in it together, and I want to understand your experience, and by the way, I would like you to maybe take a moment to look out from under your blanket and get a little curious about my experience. I wasn’t doing that right. I was so wrapped in my, anyway, so the teamwork really is no matter the challenge that you and your partner are facing, there is a world where the two of you are looking at this problem together, but you can’t get there as long as you’re A invested in your pain. B, not curious about their pain, C, sure, it’s all your fault or all their fault. Those are the things that kind of keep us from getting that team approach, but there’s always a path whereas, okay, what are we going to do about this problem that is before us?Amanda Testa (14:24):I’m curious too because I know I hear this a lot from clients, or not all the time, but a lot of times there’s maybe one partner who feels like they do a lot of the repair or they are able to get in there and smooth things over, and then sometimes they feel present resentful about that, or why do I always have to be the one to apologize, or why do I always have to be the one to calm things down? And I’m curious what you can say to that.Dr. Alexandra Solomon (14:48):Yeah. Yep. It’s such a, first of all, I have not yet shared that story, so you’re getting me to open up. You owe me an apology for getting all vulnerable on your show.Amanda Testa (15:01):Well, I just don’t want to name too all that. That’s a huge amount of transition and I will just share too. I recently turned 50. You did? I did in July, and it’s crazy because I wasn’t expecting it to be such a big, I mean, we’re still very young, but it’s a huge, a lot that comes up that I was not expecting, and on top of that, then your child’s going away to school, and that’s a whole nother level.Dr. Alexandra Solomon (15:26):SoAmanda Testa (15:26):All the things, it’s a lot to hold. And then I don’t know about you, but I also experiencing perimenopause and symptoms on top of everything else andDr. Alexandra Solomon (15:34):Holding it all. Yeah, this is a big divine. It’s a timeAmanda Testa (15:40):Just to witness and acknowledge what you’re saying. It’s hard.Dr. Alexandra Solomon (15:43):Well, yeah, when there’s so much internal reorganization and internal shift to stay, how do you stay connected through that? Right. Pat and I are both turning 50, but 50 for me and 50 for him mean different things feel a bit different. The added layer of menopause, which I’m so excited that I think we’re entering an era where we’re like, fuck the, can I swear in your show?Amanda Testa (16:07):Oh, yes, everything’s welcome.Dr. Alexandra Solomon (16:08):Fuck the shame about menopause. That’s really brand new. What’s going to happen if the ladies of the world stop feeling ashamed and quiet about menopause? Look out, because we’re about to unleash some powerhouse women who have no acts left to give if we stop feeling ashamed or silent about what this transition means. Right. 50 is, I know that’s a whole nother conversation, right? Amanda is like, what does 50 mean to you? What does it mean to me? Yeah. It’s definitely, it’s confusing. I feel in some ways, more wise, more beautiful, more alive than I ever had, even as this number is just scary and weird. Yeah.Amanda Testa (16:55):Well, it’s interesting. I mean, you earlier were talking about how your husband was like, well, we’re in this together. But also like you mentioned too, when we are aging, it’s different in our culture, specifically here in the US in a patriarchal culture where it’s different if you’re identify as a man or a woman as you age.(17:13):I mean, that’s the thing. And then I find myself, sometimes I have to catch myself. I find myself getting mad. It’s not my husband’s fault that he still looks amazing at 60, and that’s like a silver fox kin, right? But then the women who are old and gorgeous, they don’t get that same type of acknowledgement, and it’s frustrating sometimes. So just I will name that. I can feel that sometimes. It’s interesting how it has nothing to do with him. It’s me and I have to be like, oh, okay. This is what our culture has taught us, and it’s understandable that there might be a different experience as you move through the aging process In different bodies.Dr. Alexandra Solomon (17:48):In different bodies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That’s right. It’s not his fault. How can he celebrate the affirmation that he receives, the way he feels in your body and celebrate you? How can he subvert the narratives that have been downloaded inside of his brain about you and your aging process? What a privilege that is for him to be an ally to you reminding you of your beauty, of your vitality. That’s such a privilege to get to do that. But that’s subversive, that’s subverting the dominant paradigm, which is that right? We are becoming objectively less desirable.Amanda Testa (18:30):That’s the dominant narrative. I do love that he does a good job of that, but that’s something that comes up too. So I mean, all thatDr. Alexandra Solomon (18:37):ContextAmanda Testa (18:38):Shapes everything, right?Dr. Alexandra Solomon (18:39):Yeah. Wait, you would just ask a really good question about getting back on the sameAmanda Testa (18:45):Page and when you want to give back on the same team, but how sometimes it feels maybe tiring or the person who’s always feels like they’re the ones that repair first or that, and I think that there’s a gift to that if you can view it that way. But I’m curious what your thoughts are in that kind of dynamic where maybe one person is always feeling like I always have to be the one to prepare, and I’m tired of always being the one to calm things, whatever it might be. Right?Dr. Alexandra Solomon (19:08):I know, and I think probably I’m guessing based on your show and your listeners and just the way that the world is, I think it often in a heterosexual couple, it’s her. I just read a really cool research article or academic article where this philosophy professor at Pomona College calls that hermeneutic labor. We talk a lot about invisible labor and domestic labor and emotional labor. So hermeneutic labor is the labor of smoothing things over, basically recognizing what’s happening inside of me, what’s happening inside of my partner, what are the words that I can use to invite my partner to self-reflect? Because if my partner self-reflect, maybe they can move from defensiveness to openness, which is good for them, but also good for me. But that’s a kind of labor and that’s what you’re speaking to is, and so I think by calling it hermaneutic labor, we’re making it real.(20:01):It’s a real thing. It’s a real thing, and it’s real that in heterosexual couples, except for my, I think Todd is much more the smoother over than I am ironically, but there is that there does tend to be one partner who has got their nose a bit more above the waterline and can reach out more easily, repair more easily, and that’s because their body recovers more easily. They don’t layer shame on top of upset. They have done more therapy than that. Whatever the reason is, they’re more available. And so I think there’s a million differences in a couple, and so if that’s a difference, I think the healthiest way to view that is this is a difference. This is one of the things that I do to make this relationship click along, and it helps me when I remember that there’s also a whole bunch of things that my partner does that helps the relationship click along.(20:56):Like, yes, I do the hermeneutic labor, but whatever, take care of this or take care of this, or I never have to question their loyalty or whatever. It is really remembering that yes, you do do this part of the relational work, but they also do work in other domains. That’s helpful. It’s also helpful if the partner who’s not doing the hermeneutic labor, if that partner can just say thank you. Thank you for initiating that repair because we got through it. Thank you for being willing to apologize because that really broke the ice. Thank you for suggesting we go for a walk, because that was really helpful. So I think that helps. I think that minimizes the chances of resentment, and I think that can be what might block that is that the other person feels ashamed. I feel ashamed that my partner had to once again, drag me out of my hole, get me out of my own way. So shame can block that, but if that person can just challenge the shame and just say, thank you. I saw what you did. I saw that you initiated the repair and that was really good for us. I think that helps too.Amanda Testa (22:05):Shame that you mentioned is a big thing too, because when it comes up, however it does, it can get in the way of making steps to make your relationship better. Or a lot of times people will say, well, I would love to do more things, but my partner’s maybe not as open, or they’ll have their feelings hurt if I suggest thisDr. Alexandra Solomon (22:28):BecauseAmanda Testa (22:28):It’s a lot too around, well, if I need help then there’s something wrong with me, orDr. Alexandra Solomon (22:33):I’veAmanda Testa (22:33):Done something bad or I’m wrong, or, which really, I feel like we just have never learned relational tools. We’ve never really had the opportunity to learn them and just making it normal that we need to learn what we never learned.Dr. Alexandra Solomon (22:46):There’s nothingAmanda Testa (22:47):Wrong with us. We just didn’t have the most people out there did not get great relational skills, right?Dr. Alexandra Solomon (22:54):Nope. You got what you saw in your house growing up. That’s what you got. Maybe you had sex ed in school, but it probably wasn’t very good and it certainly wasn’t relationship ed. So yeah, I mean it’s so exciting about this moment. I think that, I mean, I see it with my college students. I’ve been teaching at a university for over 20 years, and I teach marriage 1 0 1. It’s a relationship class. My college students come in, they come in with relational tools. They know their attachment style, they know their love languages. They know their family of origin wounds. They know, and that’s because of a TikTok, and B, the fact that most of them have been in therapy and see the fact that their parents have been in therapy. We’ve got now Gen X is raising Gen Z and we’re making these progress. I see the progress. It’s a really, I think, exciting and hopeful time around what young people are capable of relationally that certainly you and I, when we were growing up, we had Dr. Ruth, we had Judy Bloom, but I didn’t have parents in therapy or parents that were talking about this stuff.Amanda Testa (24:08):She just couldn’t Google answers or watch TikTok and figure out, all right, maybe I should try this. Right. So there are some benefits to the information that’s out there for people.Dr. Alexandra Solomon (24:18):That’s right. That’s right.Amanda Testa (24:19):So I love that. I’m curious too, when it comes to seeking support or what are the things, if someone is super excited to get the Love Everyday book and wants to invite their partner in or how, I mean of course doing it on your own is so powerful. Maybe we can even speak to that, why doing it on your own is very important, but if you wanted to maybe invite in your partner for some of the practices or if they would be willing, I’m curious, how might you approach that?Dr. Alexandra Solomon (24:44):I think it’s one of the things I like most about the book is that I think couples therapy can feel, I mean, I am here for couples therapy. I love it. I believe in it. The science backs it up. It is an incredibly powerful tool, just a marriage, a long-term relationship. It’s a heavy fricking thing. And so to have somebody carrying it with you is just incredibly helpful. It’s such a sign of strength. It’s a sign of courage. It’s a reflection of investment, and it is oftentimes a bridge too far for a partner who doesn’t have those relational tools, who is afraid of getting blamed, which is not, if you’ve got a couple’s therapist who is blaming one partner, you’ve got the wrong couple’s therapist because that’s not what couple’s therapy ought to be about. The couple’s therapist is not the judge. They’re not the referee.(25:30):But if there’s a partner who’s just not there yet, I think something like the Love Everyday book, something like a podcast episode, those can be really gentle steps into the baby pool, the kind of going slowly rather than if it feels like couple’s therapy is diving into the deep end, then there’s little steps. And I think that it probably is unrealistic to say, let’s every single day read the entry, do the prompts. And it doesn’t have to be that. It doesn’t have to be perfection or nothing, but I think that if one person is loving it, and for them it’s a really beautiful restorative way to start their day or end their day, then maybe once a week they choose whatever entry that week really spoke to them and they say to their partner, Hey, could I read this to you or will you read it to me?(26:17):Or could we work on it together? So even if it’s just a weekly and the partner who’s the kind of relational self-awareness nerdy partner is like, okay, what if once a week I choose an entry and we take a look at it together? So I think that’s ways that I want couples to be really permission giving about it and creative and not saying to themselves and each other, unless we do it every single, we’re doomed. It can just be the kind of thing that you pick up and use as just a little conversation starter. And then to your other part of your question, I think that you’re right that even if the partner won’t changing, one part of the system changes the system. So if you’re doing the work of the book, you’re showing up differently. You are using different language and and your partner therefore can’t keep doing what they were doing. So you change the dance by changing your own moves. So it’s still powerful, but I know that there’s a kind of loneliness that comes when you’re the only person in a relationship who is curious about introspection, who’s curious about taking conversations a bit deeper. I know there’s a loneliness that comes with that.Amanda Testa (27:27):I think it’s interesting too, as you mentioned too, as we transition in life and as things shift in relationships, I mean it’s normal for them to differ and to change and to grow,Dr. Alexandra Solomon (27:37):AndAmanda Testa (27:37):It can be really easy in certain seasons, maybe to put your relationship on the back burner, especially ifDr. Alexandra Solomon (27:43):You maybeAmanda Testa (27:43):Have small children or you’re going through something. There’s times where you might find that you’re not paying attention to it, which sometimes that has to happen. But also there’s ways to stay connected even during those times. So I’m curious for you maybe seeing that in your practice or working with couples that have this kind of experience where they want to come back to it, but it also feels kind of clunky,Dr. Alexandra Solomon (28:08):Right?Amanda Testa (28:08):Because they haven’t been connecting and they want to come back to it. So maybe how might this book or just how might there be a bridge to come back together when it feels like there’s been a season of disconnect?Dr. Alexandra Solomon (28:20):Yeah, I know that’s a big theme that you work on in your show, isn’t it? About how do we find our way back? And I think that is, I think, right? I mean, the way you’ve set up, the way you’ve set up the question holds houses the answer because part of it is just saying out loud, we’ve kind of drifted. We’ve drifted because I had a health crisis, or you had a work chapter, or I lost my mom, or you lost your job, whatever, just saying out loud that thing happened. No blame, no shame, no judgment, and there’s relational fallout no matter what. As much as we wish. I know the thing that I hear, I know that we wish that one person I’ve seen over and over again, a partner who wish like hell, their health crisis did not affect their partner, that it actually breaks their entire heart that they can see the upheaval, I know I’ve seen makes me want to cry.(29:23):How much partners are like, don’t look over here, don’t look at me. I don’t want this to affect you. I would like to turn away, figure myself out, get better, get a new job, dah, dah, dah, and then come back to you shiny and brand new. And that is just not how long-term relationships work. Your partner has a front row fricking seat, and so rather than fighting that, just figuring out how do you work with that? I see you. I see you without your job. I see you without your health. I see it. I see it, and it affects me and it’s okay, and we’re figuring it out. That’s the only way to go through it, and I think it’s so hard. I think it’s really, really, it’s hard, but there’s such a crux there, and as a couple can just get to that point, then a whole new set of possibilities opens up right? Then. It’s really pretty infinite what opens up from there, but a couple can’t get there as long as one person is hell bent on saying, no, no, no, no, I’m going through a thing. It cannot affect you. It doesn’t affect you. It should not affect you. Look away.Amanda Testa (30:29):That’s powerful. I think it is. It’s just that vulnerability to step up and just say, it’s hard. No one wants to do it, but it’s so worth it. On the other side, I think that’s one of the things that I just want to try to encourage people is, oh, it’s so hard to make that step. It’s always worth it on the other side often because one way or another, there’s going to be some movement, and oftentimes that’s what the fear is. Maybe it’s like, well, if I say something, what if they don’t want to? Or what if whatever happens? It’s like you have to show up for it,Dr. Alexandra Solomon (30:57):WhichAmanda Testa (30:58):Is not always, and maybe that’s not the time. Maybe there is a time where you’re like, I don’t have the bandwidth to deal with this right now, so let me readdress this in a month or two or whateverDr. Alexandra Solomon (31:05):It,Amanda Testa (31:06):But I think even doing the little practices, I know, I mean, obviously I’m a relationship coach and a sex coach, so my husband is subject to many things, but he might not always be yourDr. Alexandra Solomon (31:17):Lab rat.Amanda Testa (31:19):He’s here for it, and he always says, he’s like, I might be super resistant at first, but on the other side, I always appreciate it.Dr. Alexandra Solomon (31:25):It does.Amanda Testa (31:26):It always brings us closer, or it always helps in some way us to be on the same page again.Dr. Alexandra Solomon (31:31):Well, again though, there again, it’s rather than him getting ashamed of his resistance or you getting angry at his resistance, I can imagine that your shoulders just drop right down the moment that he can say to you, I know I’m resistant and I know that it’s good for me and I know it’s good for us. You know what I mean? Just that acknowledgement, his resistance does not mean he’s a terrible person or a terrible husband. His resistance just means that he listened. He was socialized with a boy and socialize with a man, and he was taught that the feelings of the business of girls and blah, blah, blah. He is a well socialized man, and so that resistance just comes with the territory. But I imagine for you, there’s a relief when he says, I know I drag my heels sometimes that there’s a relief for you because it’s like, oh, good, you’re doing it. Therefore it helps me not build up resentment that sometimes I got to drag you a little bit.Amanda Testa (32:24):Yes. That’s making me think just of one more thing, because especially in long-term relationships, when you’ve been enmeshed for a really long time, and maybe you have been through chapters of challenge or whatnot, but coming back to yourself, finding you are in the relationship and loving someone else, what advice would you have around that? Really being able to be in a relationship, love someone, but also not lose yourself in that remembering who you are in all of it.Dr. Alexandra Solomon (32:52):I think in part it is. I think in part it’s not seeing yourself as a fixed identity like I am X or I am Y. So really relating to yourself with that curiosity of we were saying before, but okay, so I actually don’t even know who I am at 50. What does that? Who am I at 50? What am I about at 50? What are my priorities? What are my interests? What am I no longer available for at 50? So if I can keep that curiosity with myself, then I keep finding my own touch points, and then I can keep kind of transmitting what I know to my husband. So I think that’s part of it too, is letting ourselves be evolving and transitioning and being curious about that rather than sometimes I think it’s like uhoh evolving. That means I can no longer be in this marriage.(33:47):I can’t be in these clothes, I can’t be in this house. Everything I’ve done is wrong. I think sometimes, I think sometimes we scare ourselves. We take ourselves right down to the nub and we think if I’m changing, if I’m evolving, if I’m growing, every choice I’ve ever made has got to be wrong. No, you are just thanking all of those versions of you for getting you to this version of you. You don’t have to unravel everything, but you might need to say to your partner, so I’m now really into this and I’m going to be devoting a lot of my energy towards this, and how’s it going to affect us, and what do you think of that? And does it kick up some fear in you? What’s the fear? Et cetera, et cetera.Amanda Testa (34:26):The communication piece, and it also comes back to the self-awareness. What do you want and what do you need and what areDr. Alexandra Solomon (34:35):Totally, yeah, and what’s lighting you up now? Because when we got married, whatever X number of years ago, some different things might’ve been lighting you up. Okay, so what are you about now? So it’s like right, getting to know ourselves and getting to know our partners because they’re also changing.Amanda Testa (34:52):I think it can be refreshing at that same time though, right? If you can change your perspective of maybe there’s some fear that things would change, but it can be refreshingDr. Alexandra Solomon (35:01):To haveAmanda Testa (35:03):Some new energy and some new interests and things that make you feel good, because when you’re feeling good, then of courseDr. Alexandra Solomon (35:09):You’reAmanda Testa (35:10):More fun to be around and you’re interesting and you enjoy yourself, right? It can be monotonous when you stay in monotony, but even just taking care of yourself and remembering what do I like to do?Dr. Alexandra Solomon (35:21):BecauseAmanda Testa (35:21):Oftentimes people forget. I think that’s the other beautiful thing of taking that time just to tune into yourself and what you want and all that.Dr. Alexandra Solomon (35:32):One of the first things I did when we became empty nesters is I signed up for a dance class and I could have danced the entire time when the kids were really little. I danced, and then I really moved away from it as my work got bigger and the kids were adolescents. And so I think maybe the day after we dropped our daughter off, I signed up for a cardio funk class on Monday evenings, and I went the first time and I basically had tears in my eyes the whole time and a huge smile on my face, and I was like, oh, here. I’m, it’s just such a reclamation of a really core part of me that actually has been pretty core throughout my life is sort of the place of dance. And I know as you’re saying, I came home with some more energy, some more pep in my step for our relationship because I’m doing something that really lights me up.Amanda Testa (36:29):Well, I just so appreciate all the wisdom that you’ve shared, Alexandra, thank you so much. And I’m wondering too, maybe if there was a question that I didn’t ask that you really wished I would’ve asked or anything else that you want to share?Dr. Alexandra Solomon (36:40):No, it was a fun, it was a really fun, you’re a wonderful conversation partner. I remember how much I enjoyed our first conversation, so I was very, very happy. Have a chance to be with you again. So thank you so much for making the space to talk about all of this together.Amanda Testa (36:56):Yes, I so appreciate it, and I love the simple things. I’m so excited for your book because I’ve also received a lot of benefit from it just as I get to sneak peek, and I am excited to keep going through it.Dr. Alexandra Solomon (37:08):AndAmanda Testa (37:09):Like you say, it doesn’t have to be perfection, but when I can get in there and do the work and look at it, it’s just going to keep enhancing things. SoDr. Alexandra Solomon (37:17):I thankAmanda Testa (37:17):You for that. You’re welcome. Thank you. I’d love as well if you would just share with everyone how they can connect with you and find more about you and your book and all the amazing work that you do.Dr. Alexandra Solomon (37:28):Sure. The best way is my website, which is dralexandrasolomon.com, and there you can find all the links to my social media, including my Instagram, which is a large, this book is a sort of solidification of my Instagram feed, taking a lot of the content I’ve been creating and refining there and putting it into this format where you can really touch it and hold it, and it doesn’t disappear off your screen after two seconds the way that an Instagram feed does. So the website is a great place to find social media links, links to the book. All three books are available wherever books are sold and love every day. Of course, we love it when folks go to bookshop.org because then you’re supporting your local independent bookseller, and there’s tons of stuff there. There’s blogs, there’s a weekly podcast called Re-Imagining Love. There are e-course. So if you’ve got an inkling, there’s plenty of content, there’s no shortage of content in places that you can go and explore and learn more about this whole world of relationships.Amanda Testa (38:30):Beautiful. Well, thank you so much again, and I’ll make sure to put that in the show notes as well. And thank you all for listening, and please do make that little step to do something, some little thing every day for you, for your relationship. Thank you. Thanks, Amanda. We’ll see you all next week. Thank you for listening to the Find Your Feminine Fire Podcast. If you love this episode, please go ahead and forward it right now to someone who would love it. And if you’ve not yet had a chance to leave us a rave review on Apple Podcasts, please make sure to rate and review if you enjoyed the podcast, as well as make sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. Thanks for listening, and we’ll see you next week.

(PLEASE EXCUSE ANY TRANSCRIPTION ERRORS)

Reclaim Your Turn-On: 3 Pathways to Rediscover Your Desire with Amanda Testa

September 12, 2023

Reclaim your turn-on: 3 pathways to rediscover your desireWith Amanda Testa

In today’s episode, we’re diving straight into three potent ways to rekindle your desires and rediscover your inner spark. It’s time to rev up your desire!

As the seasons shift and we embrace the renewed energy of the back-to-school period, it’s the perfect time to refresh our routines. Imagine you’re the caretaker of your soul, tuning in and tending to its needs with intention and care.

Life’s challenges might occasionally overshadow our inner vibrancy. But through understanding and self-compassion, we recognize these moments and the growth they bring. And remember: deep within us is the power to make choices that truly align with who we are.

Ready to reignite your passion and pave the way for a more connected, fulfilling life? Listen in for 3 simple yet transformative steps to reconnect to your Feminine Fire, and feel your desire spark.

Listen below, or tune in via: Apple Podcasts, Spotify or your fave pod player.

Join the FREE Awaken Your Sensual Power event HERE.

(Complete transcript below)

JOIN IN THE DISCUSSION ON THIS EPISODE AND MORE IN MY FREE FACEBOOK GROUP, FIND YOUR FEMININE FIRE HERE.

Amanda Testa is a trusted healer, coach, and guide who’s served hundreds of clients over the years with masterful skills in coaching, pleasure embodiment, and somatic trauma resolution.

When she’s not leading transformative sessions, you can find her snuggling her spunky 10 year old, flirting with her sexy hubs, playing in nature, enjoying live music, and having epic conversations about sex with fellow experts on her Find Your Feminine Fire podcast.

Episode Resources

Join the FREE 3 Day Awaken your Sensual Power experience HERE.

Want more support from Amanda? Schedule a confidential 1-1 call with Amanda⁠ here.

If you liked this episode, please consider giving me a 5 Star Review on Apple Podcasts! It truly does help the podcast grow.

Have a topic or question you’d like Amanda to address on a future episode? Submit it on this anonymous form.

Amanda Testa [00:00:01]:

Hello, and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. I am your host, Amanda Testa I am a sex love and relationship coach, and in this podcast, my guests and I talk sex, love, and relationships, and everything that light you up from the inside out. Welcome. Hello, and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast.

Amanda Testa [00:00:23]:

This is your host, Amanda Testa. And today, I am diving into 3 ways to feel your desire coming back, feel connected to your sensual spark, I know this time of year, right now, as I record this episode, it is September 7th 2023. And this time of year, I love… because I am one of those people that always load back to school. I love that feeling of getting my new pencils, and my new notebooks and my new trapper keeper. I loved it. And so there’s that sense of potential with a new year. And as a mom, I’ve reclaimed that my year is September to August. Okay? It’s not January. January is great, but let’s be honest. Things shift. The year for me is September to August. And I love it, because I think it just helps me to feel more in control of the reality of life as mom because during the summer, it’s challenging

Amanda Testa [00:01:21]:

to get everything done. I’m like, Holding on by a thread

Amanda Testa [00:01:25]:

And I’ve noticed that I have just really disconnected from so many of the practices that sustain me. So many of the things that I do to make me feel good. Granted, we’ve had a great summer. There’s been a lot of fun things, but I’m excited to get back into a routine. Anybody out of there with me, but it’s excited to get back into a routine. It reminds me of one of the archetypes I love to work with from the rebloom body of work by Rachel Maddox. I’m a certified Rebum coach among other things, but what I really love about this model is you know, when you think about an archetype, it becomes easy to kind of connect to that. Right? Sometimes it can feel hard for ourselves to believe what we’re capable. Because we’re capable of a lot. And we can when we connect to an archetype, it can help us to remind us of what we’re capable of. Right? So I love to architect of the groundskeeper is all around vitality, empowered safety. So what does this mean? You devote to regular care for your health Wellness and thriving. The groundskeeper, if you think about it, if you think about a garden, the groundskeeper is the one who walks around, weeding and watering, you know, making sure everything is getting the right amount of sun, moving things around as they need to be moved around. And so I love connecting to this at these times of year, where, you know, you wanna get new routines in place. So thinking about devoting regular care for your health, wellness, and thriving, you prioritize your physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual well-being. You keep yourself at safe distances from unsafe behavior, situations, locations, and people. You remove what is diminishing your health, and you plant miracles that heal on all levels. So you have vitality that empowers you to share who you are fully to really embody your medicine to create more peace and prosperity in your life. And I think this time of year, I love connecting to the Groundskeeper archetype.

Amanda Testa [00:03:17]:

Now let’s face it. There’s some ways that life can leave imprints on this health.

Amanda Testa [00:03:24]:

Right? We we all have that ability to connect to that archetype of the groundskeeper, but it can be challenging based on our life experiences. Right? And and so when we think about our life experiences that cause harm to that blueprint, it enables, you know, it makes it hard for the blueprint to shine. It makes it hard to do those things. Right? So these things that can show up are addictions, numbing. I know in the summertime, I will just name that I have had a little too much fun in some areas. And I have not been caring for myself the way I normally do, and I can find myself, like, when I get into this into that — pattern of, like, numbing out. It’s important for me to pause and recommit to finding my own health, finding the

Amanda Testa [00:04:06]:

the help of my groundskeeper and bringing that back online because we’re human. Right? We’re gonna ebb and flow, and we’re never gonna be perfect, but more often than not, if we can make the choices that serve us, and support us if more often than not, if we can create the rituals and routines that do contribute to our overall vitality, Then we’re doing the right things. Right? So the other thing that can happen is we can also tend to cling to environments or relationship people or jobs, for instance, of security, even if they’re not aligned. So that can be something that can show up as well, kind of in the hypo response of the groundskeeper. So ways it shows up that are kind of like, oh, feeling shut down. Right?

Amanda Testa [00:04:46]:

I’m just gonna numb out. It’s gonna bypass

Amanda Testa [00:04:49]:

all the things that are bothering me. I am going to, you know, and it also can stem go even further into, you know, even depression or chronic illness. So we want to be aware and not judge ourselves. Heck, no. We’re not judging ourselves here. We’re bringing compassion and understanding like, wow. What I’ve been through in life has been challenging, and these are some of the ways That idea with it, also kind of re trying to help our self remember that we can make different choices that support us, and we can smart and start in small doable ways. Right? Some of the the other side of this coin is when we kind of respond from a hyper place, like a over response, so to speak, — would be outburst. Right? Like, maybe you have outburst of anger or aggression or frustration, extreme highs and lows. You could feel You know, again, addiction can show up here as well, but feeling like this need for speed and, like, moving towards chaos and maybe even cycles of externalized violence. And this is the way that shows up, right, when we are kind of just find ourselves with that anger, frustration. And it’s interesting because in a lot of ways, I can go to both streams here. Right?

Amanda Testa [00:05:51]:

I can also have those outbursts,

Amanda Testa [00:05:53]:

and I know for myself as a busy mom juggling tons of things. That when I find myself having the outburst, it’s another reminder that, okay.

Amanda Testa [00:06:02]:

This, like, for example, this morning,

Amanda Testa [00:06:04]:

I was I I went to put something in the bathroom, and I stubbed my toe. And I was

Amanda Testa [00:06:08]:

like, all

Amanda Testa [00:06:09]:

these explosive, cuss words came out of my mouth. I was like, okay. Well, that’s not really. That’s not how I normally want to be, and it’s okay that that happens. Right? I know my history. These things are gonna happen. But usually, it’s because I’m not taking care of myself in the way that I need to. And we can all fall into this.

Amanda Testa [00:06:27]:

And so I love this time of year because to me, it’s like a fresh start. It’s a fresh start.

Amanda Testa [00:06:32]:

So even as we just listen to this, if you’re listening to the podcast, no matter where you are, maybe just take a moment and just, take a deep breath, maybe give yourself shake. Maybe if it feels good, maybe just tap your body a little bit or just hold. You’re give yourself a hug if you’re not driving and you can. Just so connect with yourself a little bit and just honoring where you are. Right. We are, again, we’re not judging ourselves. We’re just honoring where we are, and we can make little commitments that we will tend to our self a little more carefully. Right? You can tend to yourself. You can do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Right? And I think this is such a such a beautiful archetype. And so what are some of the ways that you can do this? Because when it comes to reconnecting to our turn on to our desire, to wanting, to want to have sex, to wanting to, like, be in that aspect of ourselves, there has to be some foundations of health. Right? I mean, to be honest with you, there are certain times in life where we’re not gonna be feeling that. And it’s sometimes we just gotta ride the waves of the seasons. We gotta ride the waves of the seasons. But I wanna share with you three ways that you can connect to your turn on and feel that desire again.

Amanda Testa [00:07:35]:

And the first thing is This is something that I do

Amanda Testa [00:07:38]:

on a regular basis because this is not to be understated. It’s a simple practice, but it is so powerful when you actually do it. Right? That’s the key. Like, listening, reading books, listening to podcasts are all amazing, but you also sometimes have to actually DO the things that you’re learning, which Hello. You know, we all we we do get some good information through the transmission of audio. So I do love a podcast for that, but also taking the time to actually do the practice I’m gonna invite you. This first practice, I want you to make the time to do it in the next week. Alright? So this is connecting to your desires. What do you want? What is it that you want right here and now? And the reason we do this on a regular basis because it changes. It changes daily, weekly, seasonally, it changes what we want. But as we move into this new season of fall, really taking some time and dropping into your body and being. Taking some breaths, sitting with yourself, setting a timer for 15 minutes. And I want you to use this 15 minutes. To write down all the things that you want, all the things that you desire, maybe it’s an emotion, maybe it’s something physical, maybe it’s a cup

Amanda Testa [00:08:46]:

of coffee, maybe it’s a

Amanda Testa [00:08:47]:

a vacation to a tropical island. Maybe it’s it feels safe. Maybe it’s to to feel loved. Maybe it’s to get a hug from your partner. Whatever it is. Write those things down. And I want you to do it for 10 minutes because we’re setting a timer for 15 minutes. The first ten is writing. You wanna just give yourself that opportunity To connect back to what lights you up because that is the root of reconnecting to your desire, remembering what turns you on in all ways. Right? It’s not always sexual. Remembering that things that make you feel good and maybe there are sexual things on that list. Amazing,

Amanda Testa [00:09:20]:

which is what are the things that make you feel good that make you feel alive that you want What do you want? Give yourself that gift of being honest with yourself, letting yourself answer that question. What do you want and let yourself write it down? Don’t censor yourself. Just let yourself have this opportunity to let go of all the barriers, all the obstacles in your mind. Just have fun. Let your imagination run wild. Okay? And after the 10 minutes is up, you’re gonna take

Amanda Testa [00:09:46]:

a minute and you’re gonna pause. You’re gonna notice how you’re feeling in your body. Notice what sensations you’re noticing, maybe any emotions, maybe any images come to mind, just whatever you’re you’re feeling, whatever you’re experiencing, take a minute and note what that is. Maybe you even wanna write it down. I often find after I spend 10 minutes writing about what I want, I feel a little more open. In my chest. And sometimes I feel like maybe a little tension. Like, it always changes, but just noticing what happens. And then I want you to look back over your list. And really kind of notice, what is the overall theme? Because often it’s a theme. Sometimes, you know, maybe it’s an emotional theme, whatever it can be. Just maybe noticing what the theme is. Maybe it’s that when you look at the theme, you’re realizing, I need to escape. I need to find some, a sense of freedom. So with that, what are maybe what is 1 or 2 things that you could do realistically over the next week or 2 that would help you feel that feeling? So for me, when I know if I have a lot of things about travel or adventure or escape, it’s like I need a little break. So maybe that looks like I can get my husband to watch my daughter and take a hike with a friend this weekend, or maybe I could just make it shorter. Right? Maybe I just watch a 20 minute national geographic special of somewhere beautiful that can help me connect to that. Right? There’s ways that you can take these bigger experiences and kind of like, what is the feeling that you wanna feel on the other side of it and tap into something like that. Right? Maybe it’s like after you look at everything, it’s a feeling of, okay. Well, I want to make x amount of money and I want to get a new car and I need a new computer or whatever the things are. Maybe that at the end of the day, what is that you’re wanting to feel more safety? Maybe you want to feel more resourced. And so what are some ways you can do that? So I oftentimes, like, when I’m feeling It’s like focusing on what are the things that you do have, right, focusing on clean water, focusing on going to the grocery store, just being in that abundance of the grocery store. Doesn’t mean you have to buy anything. Maybe you don’t have the funds to

Amanda Testa [00:11:37]:

buy what you want. But just like being

Amanda Testa [00:11:38]:

in that environment of this is a space where I could get whatever I need, if I needed to. Right? So these are some ways, like, just to kind of those are some ways you can do that. Right? But it’s taking the time to tap into your desires. — noticing how you feel after doing that and then making getting the theme, what is the theme of your desires and creating one action step, one doable thing that can connect you with that experience. Okay? If you need help with this, you can always reach out to me. But I love that practice, and I do it on the regular because It really kind of helps us drop back into, okay, what is it that I need? What is it that I need? Because we our our culture just gets us so disconnected from that. And it when you can just take that time to drop in and understand what you need. Oftentimes, it’s not as hard as you think to meet those needs, even on a small level. Alright. So that’s number 1. Number 2. Do something that make your body feel good. Okay? Now this is one of the keys of dropping into your sensuality is using your 5 senses. Right? And, again, depending on your life experience, maybe there are certain senses that you enjoy connecting with more than others, but really noticing what that is for you. And so what can you do to really relish in your body? Something that makes you feel really good. So that could be a simple thing. It could be sitting outside feeling the sun on your body. It could be taking a run. It could be taking a bath. It could be going to a yoga class. Right? It could be a million different things. It could be painting your nails. It could be putting on some makeup It could be taking a shower and getting dressed for the day. Those simple things can make you feel good in your body. And the more you feel good in your body, the more you want to put yourself out there. I have an example for myself. This weekend was Labor Day weekend, and we’ve been really busy. And so I wanted to stick around and kinda keep it mellow. We were gonna go out of town. We stayed in town. We went and saw Phish, which we always love to do. Going to see live music is one of My favorite things, I am such a fan of music, and I’ve been and it was great. Right? I’ve been seeing Phish for 30 years. And I just love — all the fun that being is facilitated in my life, all the connections, all the friendships. My husband and I have a blast when we go together, which is so amazing. And so we had such a good time. And it felt so good to get, you know, just to get dressed up and go out and do something we both love and just drop back into ourselves and our bodies and move and dance.

Amanda Testa [00:14:02]:

It was great. Then the rest

Amanda Testa [00:14:04]:

of the weekend, we I had a couple other things that were on my agenda, but I I found myself like, I barely took a shower the rest of the weekend. I was just, like, working in the yard, cleaning the house, doing things. We went to Water World, took my kid to the water park, and I was just like, mhmm. Yeah. I don’t feel like getting dressed up. I don’t feel like taking a shower or anything. And I just looked at myself at the end of the weekend, and I looked

Amanda Testa [00:14:25]:

I felt like I was looking pretty haggard, which

Amanda Testa [00:14:27]:

is there’s nothing wrong with that. Right? But I was like, mhmm. Yeah. It’s no wonder that I’m not wanting my husband to touch me right now because I feel gross. I don’t like the way I’m looking right now.

Amanda Testa [00:14:35]:

I’m not feeling good in my body. This is my own experience. Right? Everyone’s different. So then I noticed yesterday,

Amanda Testa [00:14:40]:

it felt so good to take a shower, to get dressed in something that felt good to put makeup on, to, like, do my hair, and I just felt so much better. I just felt good. And, again, this might be something different for you, but that just made me feel good. And then I remember my husband cam ustairs and was like, oh, you look beautiful. What’s going on? Right? Because I was also in my own energy. It felt good to take care of myself and luxuriate in the shower. And take that time to feel the hot water and to wash my hair and massage my scalp. I have this I got this shower brush, which let me just tell you. You need to invest in this if you want a little more pleasure in your life. Get a scalp massager. And when you wash your hair, massage your scalp. It’s my new favorite thing. I just got this a few weeks ago.

Amanda Testa [00:15:25]:

I was like, this is life changing.

Amanda Testa [00:15:27]:

The pleasure that I get in the shower. Oh, gosh. Alright. And then in a moment, then I shower, I wash my body, then I give myself a breast massage, and I just I’m so loving to myself. I really turned it into a ritual of self worship in a beautiful way, like in a sacred way, tending to my body with care, with love. And because I have cultivated this ritual because I’ve been doing it for 10 plus years, being intentional about it, it has transformed my experience with getting ready. Right? So Second thing is doing something that makes your body feel good. Right? Whatever that is for you. And if that feels challenging, you don’t know what that is, maybe Think about that. Like, what are some things that could be? What is some possibilities? What are some things that could make my body feel good?

Amanda Testa [00:16:08]:

If it feels hard to connect with that right now, What

Amanda Testa [00:16:10]:

are some things that I could possibly make my body feel more neutral or just more stable? Or maybe it’s just feeling your feet on the ground and looking at your feet on the ground and rubbing them on the ground and realizing are held by gravity if that’s if that’s, you know, what you can connect to and let it build from there. Alright? The third thing, this is something that also can help with feeling more desire and all of that is number 3, connection. Connection. What does that mean to you? For me, that is a huge value. Connection to me means knowing that I’m not in it alone. And sometimes in the busyness of life, we can get really siloed. We can get really disconnected. Right? We could feel like we don’t have a community. We can feel like we don’t friends. We can feel like our partner’s being an asshole. We can feel like our kids are driving us crazy. But what we can do to turn that around is start to focus on connection. And, again, my number one way to do that is connecting with myself first and foremost, so all of the practices I mentioned earlier are great ways to do that, but maybe even taking some time and What would it feel like to just maybe place a hand on your heart? Or if you don’t wanna touch your own body, bring your awareness to that part and just, like, connect with yourself for a few minutes. Even if it’s for 2 minutes, just like sitting with a hand on your heart, maybe a hand on your low belly or just sitting, like, placing your hands on your body somewhere and just feeling that connection, feeling the warmth, noticing what happens. If that’s accessible to you. The other thing is noticing, like, what about your life is something that you enjoy connecting with? It could be nature. It could be your pet. It could be your kid. Could be your partner. Right? And so oftentimes I find myself if I’m feeling really disconnected or I don’t feel loved, then that’s my intention for the day. Is I want to feel loved and appreciated by everyone and everything that crosses my path today. Intentioned is such a huge thing. And so I usually will write down. I wanna feel loved and romance by my husband. I wanna feel loved and adored by my kid. I want my dog to come and sit in cuddle with me.

Amanda Testa [00:18:04]:

I want to feel loved by everyone.

Amanda Testa [00:18:07]:

every person who crosses my path today. And sometimes that happens. Sometimes it doesn’t, but nine times out of 10, — what I notice about myself is that I am more

Amanda Testa [00:18:16]:

willing to connect because oftentimes, again, I

Amanda Testa [00:18:19]:

warn that disconnect state. We don’t want anyone around us. We’re like, oh, just don’t touch me. Just stay away. When we can turn that around by just starting with ourselves, like, what what would feel good for me today? Right? And maybe If I want more love, how could I give more love? How could I give more love to myself? Maybe how could I slow down what I’m doing so I can appreciate the connection that I do have in my life. Maybe I’ll slow down, and I’ll just spend a couple extra minutes petting the dog. Y’all know how much I love

Amanda Testa [00:18:44]:

my dog. I just got him groomed, and

Amanda Testa [00:18:46]:

he is the softest thing,

Amanda Testa [00:18:47]:

and I just — love snuggling with him on the couch in the morning, and I’ll just pet him. And just we just have

Amanda Testa [00:18:52]:

our little love fest, and it is absolutely amazing. I love my dog so much. And pets can be such a beautiful resource of connection. And then, you know, now that we have this new school year, we’re still kind of navigating the routine. So as I tell you, this podcast episode. I am listening for my own self, and then my kiddo gets up right when I get up. And so that’s kind of changing my little morning love fest with my dog a little bit. We have less love fest time, but I also she wants to snuggle, and I love that too. So we’ll have just, you know, a little quiet time. Used to feel like, oh, I gotta hustle. We got so much to do. We only have an hour. We gotta rush. Gotta make breakfast. Gotta make lunch. Balada. Badadeeda. But I’ve changed my mindset there being like, okay. If connection is one of my values, How can I slow down and actually connect to my kid in this moment? I can spend 10 minutes While she’s waking up just giving her a hug or rubbing her head, I can slow down. And when I do that, I notice, like, my whole system softens. All that cortisol, all that adrenaline that’s going first thing in the morning after my coffee,

Amanda Testa [00:19:52]:

it slows down. And I can be present. And then

Amanda Testa [00:19:56]:

It actually is good for the both of us to have just a little quiet time to wake up and get my thoughts together in my head just have some silence. And then I can go about, like, okay, breakfast, lunch, all the things. Right? So what are the ways that you might be able to enjoy the connection in your life a little more? Maybe could you slow down and notice when your partner comes home? Like, can you actually pause and give them a kiss? Look them in the eyes. Can you slow down and make time for connection with them? One of the things that we did this weekend, I’ll tell you another personal story because We have a challenge. Giving our kiddo to eat help eating her to eat healthy food, real food is such a challenge. And so we’re trying to encourage her to join us in cooking, which she never wants to, but had something that she really wanted to make, and she was super excited about

Amanda Testa [00:20:42]:

it for the first time in years. So we were like, alright.

Amanda Testa [00:20:45]:

We are gonna take advantage of this. And so We got the recipe, and we all three worked on making it together. We had some music going, and we laughed and danced and had the best time. It was like, It was the most beautiful experience, which is not usually the case when it comes to cooking gutter. It was so wonderful, though. And then I was dancing with my daughter at one point. I was like, See, Kiddo, this is the best part of cooking is when you can dance in the kitchen, and she laughed. And we had a blast, and it was so great. And I realized, wow, I do have this connection around me. When I choose to allow it, when I choose to tap into it, when I choose to move towards what makes me feel good. And not push or force it, right, because the pushing, the forcing, that’s often what pushes it away. But just kind of slowing down and noticing how could I

Amanda Testa [00:21:32]:

invite more connection right now? Maybe it is just letting my child come to

Amanda Testa [00:21:37]:

me, letting my partner come to me, maybe giving space. Maybe I

Amanda Testa [00:21:40]:

need to maybe I’m the one that takes

Amanda Testa [00:21:42]:

a lot of space and maybe I need to move closer. Right? Maybe I do need to, like,

Amanda Testa [00:21:45]:

go downstairs and When my husband’s working after,

Amanda Testa [00:21:49]:

you know, it’s been a long day. And I’m like, alright. You’re still working here? Maybe you let’s pause and, like, hang out a few minutes and talk and sit on his lap and flirt I was laughing the other day because he was on a call, and I snuck in there. And he’s like, okay. Let me let me turn off the video, but he did not turn off the sound. Hey, wee. We’re having some very flirty conversation that was quite spicy. And finally, someone was like, Mark, you’re not muted. So that was pretty hysterical. And I turned beat red, and we laughed so hard. He’s like, sorry. You just caught me flirting with my wife there. And I laughed, and I enjoyed the connection, but also realized, like, yes. Let it be an inspiration. Would it be great if everyone was, like, flirting with their partner and had those little bursts of connection throughout their day. Yes. Would be amazing. So these three things are simple ways that you can — tap back into yourself, your desire, your turn on, your sensuality. And the more you do this, the more you will feel in the mood to connect, the more you kind of reconnect to your own desires, what you want. So I’ll invite you to 1. Take that time. Check-in with your desires. Right? Number 2, do something that makes your body feel good. And number 3, notice where you can let in more connection. And let me know how it goes for you. Alright? And if you feel like you want more help in this, I am actually offering a free 3 day event that is going to be September 27th, 28th, 29th. From noon to 1 PM MST every day, I am going to be leading an interactive experience where we’re gonna dive deeper on each of these topics, it’s gonna be free. And I would love it if you would join me. If you feel like you wanna actually take the time to do this in real time, then you’ll have the opportunity. And if you wanna learn more about it, you can go to amandatesta.com/awaken. This event is called Awaken Your Desire a 3 day odyssey to tap into your sensual aliveness, your turn on, and to unleash that ultimate feminine fire within you. So I hope that if nothing else, use these tools. These are really powerful tools. So often, so much of what I I have learned in my own life is simple, right, through multiple different disciplines. You know, I’ve been doing this work for a decade. I worked with thousands of women. I’ve done numerous certifications and trainings, and I just find time and time again, no matter how many different teachers I work with at the root of of everything, there’s some core teachings. Right? And and some of them are very profound yet simple. And that’s why I like to go back to what’s doable, what’s simple, because that, my friends, is what makes the long term changes. Right? So I am wishing you so much love. I hope you enjoyed this podcast episode. If you have a friend that you think would benefit, please forward it along as well. And, again, join me for this free 3 day event. We’d love to have you. Again, it’s the September 27th 28 29th, there is gonna be recordings. It’s only an hour every day, and everything’s gonna be recorded if you sign up. So go to amandatesta.com/awaken and I will see you there. wishing your beautiful week, and I will see you soon. Thank you for listening to the Find Your Finishing Fire podcast. If you love this episode, please go ahead and forward it right now to someone who you know would love it. And if you’ve not yet had a chance to leave us a rave review on Apple Podcasts, please make sure to rate and review if you enjoyed the Pod cast, as well as make sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. Thanks for listening, and we’ll see you next week.

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