3 Keys For A More Orgasmic Summer

Hello, and welcome to the Find Your Feminine Fire Podcast. I am your host, Amanda Testa. I am a Sex Love and Relationship coach. And in this podcast, my guests and I talk sex love and relationships and everything that lights you up from the inside out. Welcome.

Amanda Testa (00:22):

Hello, and welcome to the podcast. It is your host, Amanda Testa here, and I am going to be sharing today three secrets for a more orgasmic summer. At the time of this recording it's summer. And I don't know about you, but I am so glad that summer is here. And this morning I was actually sitting in my backyard. We redid our backyard this year and thank goodness because it was a disaster and now it's a beautiful, and I was enjoying the flowers and the hydrangeas about to bloom and like all these cone flowers are so pink and beautiful and listening to the birds. And I just love those moments in the backyard. And I just felt such a great sense of peace and inspiration, which not every day I get to tap into that first thing. I really do my best to try to, but today felt great.

Amanda Testa (01:12):

And it just got me thinking about how these seasonal cycles, you know, you've heard me talk about the seasonal cycles of sexuality before, but the greatest thing about summer and summer is about it's about mastery. It's about maturing. It's about fully coming into yourself. So there's there's a sense of expansion and fullness and full bloom and expressiveness and fun and freedom, right? There's like this, this fullness in life and an expansion and explosion of, of life. And you can see it in nature. And I'm so grateful cause I live here in Colorado and the wild flowers are gorgeous this year because we've had tons of rain, which we don't usually have in the spring. And you know, some of the qualities that come to mind when I think of summer are that, that rich color, that aliveliness, that activity, that kind of like the sense of culmination.

Amanda Testa (02:05):

And when you think about orgasm in general, if you think about what would be the seasonal cycle of an orgasm, well, summer would be that actual orgasmic experience. So it can show up in a lot of different forms. It could be perhaps a waves of pleasure or these little rivulets of pleasure or a full-on explosion, or perhaps a sweet, still luscious pleasure. But it's, you know, it's kind of viewed as this finale of the sexual experience. And you know, when you think about how you can really make the most of summer and how you can enjoy it to its fullest, I feel like it's about just letting go and just relaxing and not holding on too hard to things. Really fully experiencing, fully expanding all the goodness and enjoying it. And so I say, what better time than summer to play with your sexuality and expanding your orgasm and what, you know, hot girl summer means to you, which I think that term may or may not resonate with you, but I just think it's fun to think about just that freedom, that freedom feeling in summer.

Amanda Testa (03:15):

I always think about, you know, there's a certain memories I have as a kid of summertime when I was, you know, maybe in middle school, I guess, and just feeling so excited and going to the pool and like seeing boys and being all excited and just feeling that there was such an excitement in summer. And I still feel like that can be something we can grab onto, you know, I love summer. It feels like now things are becoming a little bit more open. There's this more connectivity, there's more socializing, it's warm, it feels so good to be warm. I love being warm and you know, so why not play with having better orgasms from there right now in the summertime? So today I'm going to dive in to a little bit more about what the keys of orgasm are and how you can, how you can tap into having some better ones.

Amanda Testa (04:01):

So first of all, I'm going to share a little bit about what orgasm means to me. And something that I think is really key here is just expanding your definition of what that looks like for you. Because our current understanding of orgasm, mostly for women and non-binary people who have lived experience of being a woman is very limiting because it's a really based on a male model and the physiological understanding with the focus, just being on that experience of, you know, kind of contractions of the pelvic floor muscles and like that the you know, those, those characteristics of like everything comes to a peak and then that's it right? And it's possible to have orgasms thatt don't look like that at all. There are so many vast ways and possibilities when it comes to pleasure and orgasm. So I really think it's important to have a new lens in viewing what orgasm means.

Amanda Testa (04:55):

And one of my mentors, Layla Martin talks about three key elements for orgasm, which I think this is a really, a really great way to look at it because when you can kind of break it down, you can see for yourself, huh? What areas do I Excel in? And what areas could be an opportunity for growth for me, right? Because we're all different. And we're all going to experience things differently. And there's such beauty in so many ways to enjoy pleasure and to enjoy orgasm. And it can look so many different ways. So it's fun to play with those different options.

Amanda Testa (05:35):

So the three key elements for orgasm would be number one, pleasure, right? There's something pleasurable that you're experiencing in your body. You're enjoying the sensation. It feels good. Number two, there is an expansion and movement of this pleasure, right? So the pleasure perhaps spreads, maybe oftentimes it's in the genitals. Then it kind of expands from there. There's some type of expansion, there's some type of movement happening. And then third is this surrender, this mind shift that happens. And those three components, pleasure, expansion and surrender are, are the key in really dropping into the experience, enjoying it to the fullest. And usually one of these components is missing from the experience. If you are not having satisfaction, o not having the sexual experiences that you want. So that is kind of a good rate to look into it and be like, Hmm, is this resonating, are there one of these three things that I do feel like I excel in?

Amanda Testa (06:36):

Or are there some that are struggles for me? Right? And so again, those struggles can show up, you know, with like not having enough pleasure or not feeling that buildup, not feeling that expansion or movement of the pleasure or not being able to have that shift in your mind shift. But that experience of surrender of letting go of just like dissolve the dissolving into the bliss. And that can be super scary for people. And, you know, so I just want to just stop too and reiterate, maybe just noticing how well this is landing. Maybe it might feel good to take a breath or two.

Amanda Testa (07:13):

And just understanding the journey towards orgasm is not always simple, right? Because we have such conditioning throughout our lives about what it needs to look like and how it needs to feel. And you know, it's really about dismantling systematically the, the psychological control that's been embedded in our body and our psyche over the years, reclaiming our, our orgasmic potential and reclaiming surrender, reclaiming celebration, reclaiming pleasure. These are all huge things, feeling comfortable in your body, understanding your anatomy, right. We did not learn these things coming along. So it's totally understandable that even as I remember reading The Women's Anatomy of Arousal by Sheri Winston, which is a great book, and I just remember reading it in my thirties and being like, why was I never taught these things? Like we don't have an understanding of our own anatomy. A lot of the time.

Amanda Testa (08:06):

So many times a woman are, are so are shocked to understand that the cliteracy is more than just that little bowl, right. It's kind of more like a wishbone. So it's got legs that run on either side of the vaginal opening. So it's there are so many delicious erectile tissues in our, in our, in our anatomy as well. So there's so much to learn and to understand. So, and then also you've got to learn to work with your body to see what's in resistance. Like, what are the things standing in the way and what needs to be resolved that perhaps there's past traumas or perhaps there's other things that are standing in the way, right? Part of this could be creating a new sexual story and all these are processes I use when I work with my clients to reclaim that orgasmic pleasure.

Amanda Testa (08:45):

But you know, I want to break it down a little bit piece by piece on each one of those areas. And maybe some things you can do, because I really feel like the journey to orgasmic bliss is, is not always a straight line and it can come and go. I think I mentioned this on one of my, one of my posts recently, just about how you can lose your orgasm and you can get it back. So just know we all have seasons and we can honor those. Yes. It's summertime right now, but maybe you're in a different season and that's okay. But let's, let's break this down.

Amanda Testa (09:21):

So for looking at the first key of pleasure, how do you feel more pleasure, right. When you think about this, you can often, oftentimes when we think about pleasure, we think about only sex. And I know I talk about this all the time, because it's so true because it's not just that right.

Amanda Testa (09:36):

It's expanding pleasure in all areas of your life. So that can look like celebrating and saying yes to any and all pleasurable experiences, right? Embracing what you desire, embracing what feels good, just creating this context, of pleasure often in all areas. And I know one of the things that I like to think about, it's just even in the moment, like what can I do to make what I'm doing a little bit more pleasurable? Maybe I want to change how I'm sitting. Maybe I want to adjust my clothing. Maybe I want to, you know, light a candle. Maybe I want to diffuse something that smells good. Maybe I want to clean up a pile of clutter in the corner of my eye. So I have peace in my visual sphere. Right? So there's all these things you know, really saying yes to what feels good and in letting yourself enjoy it. So, you know, we're all different too, because we all are turned on by different things. And so even today, I'll just invite you. Like, what's something you can do today that totally brings you pleasure. And when you're doing it, just noticing, like how could I turn up the dial on this even more? Right. What if I could have the most maximal pleasurable experience right now doing what I'm doing, even if it's like taking a sip of your coffee, which I'm going to do right now.

Amanda Testa (10:55):

I just love it. I love the bitterness. I love like the creamy texture going down my throat. Oh, it's so good. So, you know, those types of things are so big, you know, and just, if you find it hard to experience, pleasure or experience, turn on, you know, this is an opportunity to explore that maybe exploring different types of touch, different sensations, different parts of your body, because we can be so blocked to pleasure from our environment, from the limiting beliefs that we get coming along, right. Maybe there's different parts of us that don't feel okay with it. Maybe we were shamed or maybe there's sexual shame or religious shame. And so you don't feel comfortable in your own body, right? Maybe there are certain traumas or habitual patterns inside the body that are showing up. Maybe there's pain, maybe there's numbness. You know, maybe it's this feeling that pleasure, isn't safe, perhaps other emotions that come up.

Amanda Testa (11:48):

I mean, there's so many things tied into here. This is why it's sometimes really helpful to have an experienced guide to help you work through some of these things. Because then you can really systematically go through the parts that are blocking your pleasure and don't let them stop you anymore. Right? The more you can build pleasure, the more you can have that nourishment that aliveness available for an orgasmic. So I like to think about it as you know, like this precious, this pleasure is like this precious elixir flowing through your veins. Right. And you can just allow that to keep flowing and let it go where you want. Right. So those would be some tips around pleasure.

Amanda Testa (12:28):

And the second thing would be the component of expansion or movement. So specifically when it comes to orgasm, when you think about you have this pleasure, then it starts to expand, right?

Amanda Testa (12:42):

So you feel maybe a movement or you feel maybe it getting bigger or stronger or more right. Intense. And so what that expansion really allows you to do is to let the pleasure flow, to let the pleasure move right. You really need to have, it has to be built up first in order to expand, right. So if there is no pleasure, then there's nothing to expand. And so that's why that first step of building pleasure is so key. Then you can work on expanding that, right. Allowing it to fill more and more and more and more. And can you say yes to it more and more, and what are some things that support that expansion? Well, just even consciously relaxing, right? I've got a great that's part of the, Get In the mood meditation that I have. You can get it at www.amandatesta.com/getinthemood, It just really walks you through an exercise to like breathe and relax and to drop in before sex or before you connect with your partner so that you can feel more relaxed because part of it, you know, stress and the sex drive are really connected.

Amanda Testa (13:44):

So there's a, you know, a great book called Burnout by Dr. Emily Nagoski, talking a lot about her book in her book Come As You Are on how to have great orgasms, how to have great sex. Part of her research found that so much of what blocks pleasure specifically for women is stress, feeling overwhelmed, feeling stress, not being able to drop into the moment, always thinking the next thing that to do list the things I have to take care of, all the laundry, the errands, the emails, all the things, right? And so that's a big key. The relaxation part is such a first step. And again, this can start in all areas of your life and then move into sexual experiences because that is a big key. That's why I, so much of my work is around working with your nervous system and learning how to drop into more relaxed state, because that kind of gets that front part of your brain.

Amanda Testa (14:38):

That's like always thinking and, you know, problem-solving, it kind of quiets it down so you can drop more into the sensational and the primal brain, which, you know, really speaks in sensation. So you can drop in more. And you know, the other thing when you are looking to support expansion is thinking about, okay, maybe there's not a lot of pleasure. What can I do to expand that? Or where's the pleasure not flowing? Where might there be blocks? You know, maybe you feel it in certain areas, but not other areas, or maybe you notice it moving to a certain spot, but then it won't move past there. So you can kind of mentally invite that expansion into those parts of you. Like, can you relax into that spot? Can you breathe into that spot? So for example, a lot of times you can be blocked in your solar plexus and your, you know, so thinking about that whole band of your body and just allowing your breath to flow, allowing the pleasure to move. I think the breath is such a key component here because we can do so much with our breath and our focus and our intention, these holistic sex tools that, that are so helpful. So, you know, when you have this more movement that kind of also leads to the ability to, to let it flow, to relax into it, to surrender to it.

Amanda Testa (15:56):

And I think something that can be really helpful here and really profound is understanding that that expansion doesn't always have to be just physical. It could also be psychological when sometimes we have these psychological shifts that then it does lift to lead to the physiological shifts, right? So we can have it in our mind and it can move to the body. And I think a big key of expansion is understanding your sexual energy, and that can be a whole nother chapter. So I'm not going to dive too deeply into that in this episode. But you know, our sexual energy is important because when you can perceive your sexual energy, you can move your pleasure. You can move your turn on. And that movement expansion piece is one of those three core components. So once you learn how to tap into your sexual energy and how to move it, it allows you to have bigger and more full-bodied experiences and your orgasm can take on a fully different feeling. And so that's when you hear people talking about full body orgasms, orgasms all over your body, that is one of the keys to allowing that pleasure to expand in those ways.

Amanda Testa (16:59):

And I can talk more about that in another episode, but that is another, you know, another big part of the work I do with my clients. So, and then finally, it's the mind/shift surrender component. So you've got the pleasure. This pleasure is expanding, it's overflowing. And then it's the surrender, right? That surrender into the pleasure, the bliss. And this part can be really scary for people, but this is where it's such bliss comes in. You know, when people talk about how sex connects you to the divine, you do have this thinning of the veil when you are experiencing this deep, deep layers of bliss and pleasure and ecstasy, and it's such an exquisite thing. And I think every person should be enjoying it. And if you're not know that you can, that's it's possible for you to. Some of the things, when I think about surrender, what come to me are just that ability to trust, to let go that deeply.

Amanda Testa (17:56):

And that can be very challenging for some people. So when you think about surrendering, you know, there's some techniques that can help you drop into that. You can do some breath work, you can just have that intention, like when you go into an exceptional experience, letting it be what it is, and maybe even having that intention just to surrender to the moment, drop in as deeply as you can. And just let go, let go of the outcome, give yourself over to the experience. And it's an art form. It's a practice, right? Just, I would invite you to just open yourself up to it and be gentle and loving to yourself because it can feel like dropping off a cliff for some people and know that's normal too. If you feel that way, because to be able to, to feel your body without control, it's this deep surrender, this really beautiful, beautiful experience.

Amanda Testa (18:49):

And so how can you tap more into surrender? Well, I think a big part of this too, is receiving how can you practice receiving on all areas big to small, right? So how are you at receiving in general? Can you receive even a simple compliment? Can you, or is it something where you're like, oh, you know, this whole thing for vs saying, thank you. And let it soak in, you know, if your partner does something kind for you, can you really receive it deeply? I mean, today, I even had an example of that. My husband, he was playing with a mustache and growing one and I wasn't loving it. And I, you know, had to just tell him that what my deep fear around that wasn't, wasn't a fear, but it was just like, I don't like the pain that I experienced. I don't feel like it's worth it.

Amanda Testa (19:41):

And sometimes it makes me feel unvalued or like, you are just saying, fuck you, because, and he's not at all right. So we had this conversation, he shaved it off. I felt so. So just so much gratitude and just that simple act of him shaving the mustache. Oh my God. It like was huge to be able to receive that. And just, I'm like, yes, it's your body. You can do whatever you want with it. You can wear whatever kind of facial hair or hair. I don't care, but it does, it did hurt my very sensitive skin. And so I'm just so happy now that I don't have to worry about getting rashes after we have sex or kiss. Yay. so you know, there's little things like I received that so deeply. And even if you think about what your kids do, like if they draw you a picture, like, can you take a minute and just like, let that sweet love and adoration soak in.

Amanda Testa (20:29):

If a friend just calls you out of the blue, can you just be like, Uh, so grateful for that connection. And even just, even being outside, receiving nature, receiving the cycles that are there, you know, even just taking a hand and putting it on your heart and just allowing yourself to feel your heartbeat and to feel your breath and just receive that gift of life. Right? There's so many ways to expand this capacity to receive and to surrender. And you know, maybe even practicing a little ways, you can let go a little ways. You can let go of control. Perhaps it's something like, I'm not going to worry about how my family replaces the toilet paper roll. That can be a big source of tension, you know, little things, but like, where are the little areas that you can release control? Maybe if you're like a control freak about the driving, for example, can you let your partner drive?

Amanda Testa (21:24):

Sometimes maybe you're a control freak about wanting to have their remote control. Can someone else be in charge? You know, just those little things, little teeny ways to, to give over a small sense of control and feel safe and feel comfortable in that, survive it, let your body know that, okay, I did it and I survived it and this is okay. Right? So then you can take it one step further. That's why, when you're looking at having great sex and having better orgasms, all of these things are sometimes there's a lot of layers and a lot of unwinding that needs to happen to be able to get to those peak states. And so that's part of the reason I got into this work in the first place, because I, for myself had no clue what I was capable of, what my body was capable of.

Amanda Testa (22:10):

And once I learned, I was like, well, hello, this needs to be shouted from the mountaintops because no one knows these things and they're learnable things and they're doable things. And even if it feels really far away, I can assure you it's possible. You know, and there's no rush. Like we have our whole life to play, right? There's so many avenues here for exploration, for curiosity. And you know, this is the work I love doing. So if this is something that you want to explore more, you can always reach out. But again, you know, thinking about these three keys and where might you, where might you want to play, where might be an area of exploration for you. And I'd love to hear how your pleasure expansion goes and wishing you lots of fun and many orgasms this summer. And we will see you next week.

Amanda Testa (22:59):

Thank you so much for listening to the Find Your Feminine Fire podcast. This is your host Amanda test set. And if you have felt a calling while listening to this podcast to take this work to a deeper level, this is your golden invitation invite you to reach out. You can contact me@amandatestthe.com slash activate, and we can have a heart to heart to discuss more about how this work can transform your life. You can also join us on Facebook and group, find your feminine fire group. Again, if you've enjoyed this podcast, please share with your friends, go to iTunes and give me a five star rating and a raving review. So I can connect with other amazing listeners like yourself. Thank you so much for being a part of the community.